Cheating why do you think it happens?
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Cheating why do you think it happens?
| Wed, 12-22-2004 - 9:30am |
Hi all!
Being about six months out of my divorce, I am feeling like I am finally getting my life back togehter.
As I think about everything that happened and reflect... A question comes to mind for me.
Why does a spouse or significant other cheat? If they say they are happy, everything seems to be going well... and then all of a sudden they are cheating... Why do you think that happens? How do you prevent it?
Thanks!! And happy holidays to all! Christina

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I think it happens because one person is unhappy or unfulfilled, either because of problems in the marriage or because of internal conflict, and they notice they are attracted to someone or someone is attracted to them, and they suddenly feel better and think that having an affair with that person will keep making them feel better.
You can't prevent someone cheating on you, you can only prevent yourself from cheating. You do this by recognizing that wanting to have an affair is a sign something is wrong in your life and you need to explore what is wrong and fix it - and that an affair only adds to your problems and if you want to be with someone else you need to get divorced/split up first. Of course, communicating with your spouse, listing, doing things that keep your marriage alive, making sure you are each doing things that fulfill you as a person (exercising, reading, learning, etc.) will help.
Good observations by firstamendment. I also say spouses/significant others cheat because they can. We live in a culture that celebrates scandal, holds up celebrities lifestyles and choices as something to emmulate and we are easily bored. People think their lives should be exciting and interesting aka like a celebrity and they do things to shake up their lives but in a very self-centered way.
I also think people cheat because they want someone to make them happy instead of making themselves happy. They get married because they think that will make them happy and then discover that's no better than being single. They cheat because they figure that will make them happy. I also believe some men (and women) think they have to "trade up" to be hip or cool and so seek a new, younger, better looking, etc partner to be "seen" and to satisfy their own ego. I have noticed a number of younger women on this board who were left right before or right after the birth of a child. It's almost as if the men in their lives freak out at the idea of being a father and having to be responsible.
I also think some people cheat just for the thrill of it. Sort of like shop lifting. If they find it exciting to do something risky.
i think that people cheat because they believe its ok to cheat. this may sound simplistic - but this is what i think. I believe that if a person really lives his/her life according to a specified set of "rules" (be it social rules, or God- given rules, or common sense or whatever) , and i mean really live their life this way, not just when its convenient, then that person will NEVER cheat because its NOT a question of opportunity, nor is it a question of boredom or problems in the marriage.
Its definately also a
The reasons above are probably the most common reasons that people cheat. My x cheated for three reasons. He was ritually sexually abused from age 9 to 16. He never has dealt with it and kept it a secret from me for 15 years. Being sexually abused can cause a person to be hypersexual or repressed sexually.
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Cheating...
first - what is cheating, or rather what do you consider cheating? sexual casual intercourse? a sexual relationship? or giving his (or her) trust elsewhere?
second - I can think of many reasons, all very simple. boredom. needing an ego boost. missing the intimacy of a close relationship (or having too much of it). simply to have the occasion, and to believe one can get away with it. the opposite: needing to make a show of it. revenge of course, for betrayal of many kinds. need of attention...
but I don't believe really that any of all these is really taken into account at the moment of choice. Then, there is bottom line a choice: the thrill of a moment, and the honesty of a promise done to the partner and to oneself.
I guess, I will try and answer my own question... Cheating?
First of all there are many different definitions of cheating. Some people think having a emotional relationship w/ the opposite sex is cheating. While others, willingly and knowingly let their spouse have affairs, or bring other people into the bedroom and they don't consider it cheating, that is what and how they want to live their lives and they have discussed this....
So that leaves me with a few conclusions. Cheating only happens when you are doing something your spouse or significant other doesn't approve of with the opposite sex and you lie to them and deceive them. Once they know and they may choose to live with it, they are accepting it... I will call this living outside the norm of societies acceptable views.
If a person decides to cheat they are taking the chance of their partner finding out and either accepting or rejecting it.
So I guess, the question of why people cheat is really irrelevant to the facts that if you cheat you have to live with the consequences....
I think it has all to do with the trill and the risk, rather than immaturity, low moral/beliefs, or being a weak person... it is all about the risk and the fact that you are either going to value the things you have in your life or you aren't and eventually... you will lose the things you value if you don't respect and treasure those things, take a risk, but be willing to live with the consequences.... whether it is taking a risk and cheating, lying, tricking, loving, living, or being happy... all are risks with consequences good and bad :-)
Live life to the fullest, just be ready for an outcome you might not like or it could turn out to make you very happy :-)
Just my view point!
Merry Christmas to all!!!!
Love you and may peace be with you on a very hard holiday time for a lot of us~~~ Love, Christina
Hi,
I am six months separated, and the laws where I live say that I must remain separated for at least another six months before I can legally file for divorce... So I am in limbo.
My stbx cheated on me. And lied. And it nearly killed me. I trusted him like no other, and when I found out, it was almost my undoing. He did it twice. The first time, I tossed him out, but took him back two weeks later, when he said he would never do it again, that he understood the pain and damage he had caused. Two years later, the pattern was repeating itself. I tossed him out - for good.
I know with him it was a matter of trading up. I had been with him for ten years - and it showed. I was no longer shiny and new - I had supported him when he was broke, I helped him change his career, I helped him lose 70 lbs, and at the end of his metamorphosis, a man emerged that I didn't know. And that man wanted a trophy - a busty, blonde, younger model. So he went and got one. And of course, it was because I didn't "understand" him, and I didn't "listen" to him, and "we have nothing in common". No matter all the sacrifice I had made over the years, and no matter my love for him.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons. But that doesn't make it right. If anyone reading this is considering having an affair, please don't. Please respect yourself and respect the person you pledged to love enough to make a resolution of your marriage/relationship before you start something with someone else.
Hi Browngirlie,
I am not saying that cheating is right, it hurts... I have been the receiver and the giver... of Cheating, both sides, are hard, learning that the trust is broken is the hardest, knowing some one you love, cheated on you and deceived you. That is heart breaking.
Doing it to some one you love, and have a commitment to is hard also you may think how is that... well most people have morals, and they feel the pain and dealing with inter-struggles are harder then you think. That is the worst feeling, hence, that is why cheating spouse tell the other because they can't take the lying, cheating and deceiving any more. They feel better and make the other feel worse, yet again a sign of being very self-centered...
I am not saying go out and cheat, I am saying if you make that decision be prepared to live with the consequences that come along with those decisions. That is to probably lose the person who means the most to you. We hope that every one has the decency to leave on relationship before going to another, but let's be real here, cheating happens and I would say in general, people do not tend to think about the consequences until it is too late. So in my point of view, it is about thinking before speaking or acting. Not about why you cheated. It is about being able to deal with the consequences that come with your actions. There is an old saying that says "think before you speak" and I am saying live by that...
I am definitely not saying go out and cheat. Cheating hurts.
I didn't really say in my post why I cheated, and since there are so many differing views in this thread, I thought I might add more. I can only say what was going through my head when I cheated, I don't think it applies to everyone.
I started losing weight and my husband did not notice. Lack of sex and intimacy was a big problem throughout our marriage, and in the later years I attributed it to how I looked. When I started looking better, I though he would notice. I made many attempts to get him to show interest in me. I told him it was something I needed. I begged for sex and it did no good, I ended up getting angry and resentful. He was just happy I stopped putting pressure on him. At the same time I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I will have the rest of my life, that at times made it difficult to get out of bed, caused lots of pain and fatigue, and could eventually disfigure and disable me. I also realized I was one year away from the age my dad was when he died. Together those things made me feel like life is too short to be miserable and I knew I needed to do something. I incorrectly thought my problem was not enough sex, and for whatever reason I did not think divorce was an option at all. I thought if I could get what I needed elsewhere, the rest of the marriage was fine and would be fine.
I was so wrong. The rest of the marriage was not fine. Having an affair was thrilling at first, but ended up making me miserable. It did not improve one thing, and it made the entire process of ending my marriage much more difficult, and I will always have the guilt and shame from it. If I could go back and do one thing different, it would be to start therapy as soon as I was feeling like I could not meet my own needs and the marriage could not meet my needs. If I had done that first, I would have realized that divorce, not cheating, was my answer and I would have saved a lot of people a lot of heartache.
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