Childless & Lonely
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| Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:46pm |
Going through divorce and STBX had affair resulted in child with 10 yr younger girl who was a family friend. Blood is thicker than water and all of his sisters dumped me and my friends who I introduced everyone too (all of us couples hung out) are now still his friends. Big deal about STBX and his sisters and friends that really weren't.
This is my first LONG weekend without our DD. My other friends who hate STBX for what he did to me and our DD are married and all busy doing stuff this weekend. And here I sit wondering who else is by themselves.
I cried today becasue (not in front of STBX) but when he came to get DD (he is behind $953 in child support works under the table)he has no house, bounces from one sister to another and this girl bounces along with him she has no house either, has the nerve to tell me "I got a new cell phone so let me give you my number" WTF!!!!!! You can't pay support for your daughter but you got a f^&*^*^ cell phone?!!!!
When we went to friend of the court this past January when I said I have no # to get a hold of him he is either in this town with this sister or that town with this sister and blah blah blah. He said I don't have any money to get cell phone. So we decided that his primary contact would be his sister M's house.
So now he tells me to take his number and I said nope I will go with your sister's number. He said no take my number I said NO!!!
So angry at him!!! He hasn't had a cell phone in over a year since we separated and now he can pay for that. When he opened his wallet to give me money for our DD tuition he had a couple $100 dollars in there (tuition not part of child support and I made him pay me this money because I have paid $45/mo since last August for our DD school and now I had a balance of $95 due I only feel it was fair he paid it. Which is was due over 3 weeks ago!!!)
He has no money to pay for our DD but he has $$$ for gas to drive back and forth for this other kid he has. Yeah she might be giving him money but how can he sleep at night knowing that he has a responsibility to our DD that was made and planned out of love?!! I maybe awful in saying this but I am going to anyway MY CHILD WAS HERE FIRST!!!! Don't care that he is with this other skank but when you mess with my kid then it's on!!! I miss my daughter so much and he continously tells me YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE AND NO ONE WILL EVER WANT YOU!!!!
Well he may be right because who is with me right now........NO ONE!!!

Hey there!
I just want to give you a big {{{{{HUG}}}}}. He is not right in telling you nobody will ever want you. That is his way of trying to brain wash you to believe it yourself. Truth is he is afraid you will find someone better than him. Someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Take this time alone for you. Put on some relaxing music ,light a few candles and draw a bubble bath. Then maybe go to the book store (if you like to read) and find an inspirational book. It really does get better and someone is out there waiting to worship you in every way possible.
You sound like a really good person and yes I know what the lonely nights have felt like. I have since found someone who respects me and treats me like gold. Your time will come.
Hang in there.
K:)
I am so sorry that you feel all alone. It's bad for us mom's when their kids are gone even if it's just for the weekend. I just wanted to tell you that you should take this time and pamper yourself. Go for long walks, take hot baths, get your hair done. Just do something for yourself. I know what you mean about child support, can you take him back to court? Can you find a way to prove that he is working under the table? A friends mom took pics of her grand-daughters father driving an ice-cream truck on a few different occassions and they were able to work with the company to have his support deducted from his daily pay..
Good luck and try to enjoy yourself this weekend.
Rach
Hugs to you.
We all know what your post feels like. We ALL go through it.
I guess for me, I filled my time. After weeks of filling my time, it got easier. You have to learn to take time for you. Us mommies always spend 100% of our time taking care of our kids, so when they are gone, on top of missing them, we find ourselves not knowing what to do with ourselves. I used to use that time going grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry..... it felt like I was ALWAYS working. Then I decided to look at it as a vacation. Time for me. I would go to the mall, even if it was just to walk around. I started calling friends that I lost while I was married I met some people, even went on a few dates.
I am alone this weekend too, you are not anywhere near the only one. And you don't have to be with anyone right now. If you want that, you will find it when the time is right. Being alone for a while can be a very good thing.
All this anger you are feeling isn't hurting them one bit, and if anything it's giving them satisfaction. The only person it's hurting is you, and you do need to find a way to let it go. It's not easy, it's a lot of work, but you have to. You have to for yourself and for your dd. As she grows up she will feel your anger, but she won't understand it. You both deserve to be happy, and that is a gift you give yourself first.
As far as being alone, I just adopted two kitties (last night). My bf and I broke up and I'm home now all the time even when dd isn't here (I won't be ready to date again for quite a while). I have plenty to keep me busy, exercising, reading, volunteering, sometimes working when I bring it home... but it's just so quiet here and I needed a little more unconditional love and someone to talk to.
Thank you for all your words. Everyone. I knew this board would come through. My two nephews are here with me today (7 & 9) and just having some sound in the house helps.
My other things is getting out and doing stuff I would love to but I am scared. I guess I am scared of being alone forever. This town is soooo small everyone knows everyones' business. I dont' go to the local stores becasue well I don't want to run into anyone. I know why do I hide. I have been trying to NOT hide for over a year and I am not getting any closer.
I have been to counseling and that was free and now my sessions are over (limited) I am thinking of talking with the pastor at our work (I work at a retirement home) he is so nice.
I want to start dating (not to fall in love -- just to get out with some new people) but there isn't anyONE!!!!
But again, I know my anger isn't healthy and don't waste my time on him and blah blah blah I know I have to believe it but making that first move is what I am waiting for. Why can't I move forward I want to. When I see him I want to just be like "Man F$#@ YOU!!! Look at the family you lost!!!" I know he doesn't love this girl and if she wasn't prego (don't know if it really is his or not baby is A+, he is O+ and she is O+) I also work at the small local hospital inthe lab and I know this info. But either way the damage is done. He kept telling his sisters (after it all came out and they were kinda still talking to me) that he NEVER EVER wanted to have kids with anyone other than me and now he has too. I know he doesn't love her (the girl that is I know he has to care for this baby) and I hope he lives in hell and unhappiness with this girl for the rest of his life. I want our DD to grow up and say "My mom is who got me through my life...."
She also has kidney reflux and he hasn't asked me anything about "Hey how are her kidneys doing?" She had surgery when we were together and now she is almost 2 years post op and he hasn't never asked about her status. He hasn't even asked where she is going to school next year if she is registered or what. I have physical custody with joint custoyd. I don't have to tell him do I?
He gets her M and Th and ditches on her most of the time so he goes almost 2 weeks out of the month without seeing her.
Am I going to get in trouble for not taking his cell phone number? He didn't even know it was his weekend holiday until I told him -- stupid me. And next weekend is her birthday but my weekend however he gets her for the day (he gets her in the odd years for her birthday) so he should pick her up next Saturday but I am NOT reminding him. But will I get in trouble if Idon't remind him?
I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!! I didn't have my baby girl so that I could be without her 1/2 of her life!!!!!! I hate him for all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you want to move past this point, then you already have taken the first step. The first step is WANTING to. Talking to the pastor is a good idea. Reading books about forgiveness would also help (forgiving doesn't have to mean accepting, approving or forgetting). I just read a book about the first man let off of death row by DNA testing. This man lost 20 years of his life, 10 being accused of a horrific crime and rotting in jail, and 10 more while everyone thought he was out on a technicality and still harrassed him, until finally the DA's office matched the crime scene evidence to the DNA database and immediately found the guy who really did it (the guy who was originally convicted had urged the DA's office to keep looking for the real killer but they refused for 10 years to do this simple little thing, saying they still believed he was the one). This guy lost 10 years of his life, not 10 years just wasted, 10 years living in horrid conditions with his life at risk, and 10 more hard years of everyone in his small town thought he might really be guilty. His mom died while he was in prison. As it turns out, the real killer was in prison with him, being convicted shortly after the crime of another crime. The real killer worked out in the prison gym with him and he never said a word. This man has found a way to forgive the DA, the police who botched the investigation, the FBI who failed to notice evidence that might have cleared him in the first place. If he can forgive what was done to him, I am sure you can find a way to let go of what your ex has done to you. I'm still not saying it's easy, I know it's not easy.
>>>...and I hope he lives in hell and unhappiness with this girl for the rest of his life. I want our DD to grow up and say "My mom is who got me through my life...."<<<
No, you want your dd to grow up and say "I have two parents that love me and I can count on both of them" and you want her to say "Because of their support, I can handle anything in life." The sentence you started above sounds like she will always be dependent on you. She won't. It isn't either/or. Her being able to count on you doesn't exclude her being able to depend on him too. No matter what, she will NEED both of you. When one of your parents is out of the picture or can't be depended on, the NEED to have that parents love and support doesn't go away, it creates a big hole in the child's heart. No matter what you do, you can't compensate for the love (or absense of love) of her father. She will still always need to you too, she needs both. And if her father grows up in hell and unhappiness, that will affect your dd negatively too, so don't wish for that.
>>>He hasn't even asked where she is going to school next year if she is registered or what. I have physical custody with joint custoyd. I don't have to tell him do I?<<<
I think you mean you have sole physical custody and joint legal custody. If he doesn't ask about her school, it's not up to you to bring it up to him. But if he does ask, if he does want to know what is going on with her school, and you have joint legal, then you will need to tell him.
>>>Am I going to get in trouble for not taking his cell phone number?<<<
I don't see how you could get in trouble. I don't see how it benefits you either. Aren't you better off if you have the cell number? I understand not taking it the first time because you were upset. I would be upset too if he couldn't afford that for a year and is behind in cs, and then has a new phone all the sudden. But next time you might want to get the number so you have a better chance of reaching him if you need to.
>>>He didn't even know it was his weekend holiday until I told him -- stupid me.<<<
No, good for you. Your dd will grow up and be thankful that even when her dad forgot, her mom reminded him it was his weekend. My father was a drug addict and he died when I was 11. If my mom had made visitation hard, had not encouraged us to write letters to him and talk to him every week, I would have a lot fewer memories of him. Not having my father is sad enough without my mom wishing I would have seen him less. I admire her so much BECAUSE after everything he did to her (cheated, abused drugs, made her life hell while they were married) she still found the goodness in her heart to ensure we had the closest relationship we could with him (although we did move away, he was okay with that and for our own safety because of the drug use, it was probably better that way).
>>>And next weekend is her birthday but my weekend however he gets her for the day (he gets her in the odd years for her birthday) so he should pick her up next Saturday but I am NOT reminding him. But will I get in trouble if Idon't remind him?<<<
It really is his job to remember, but if you do remind him it will be for your dd not for you. Plus, at some point he's going to remember and I doubt he'll agree to you having her on her birthday two years in a row, since the agreement says you will alternate.
>>>I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!! I didn't have my baby girl so that I could be without her 1/2 of her life!!!!!! I hate him for all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<<<
Did you have your baby just for your own benefit, or did you have her so she can have a life with two parents that love her and so she can grow up happy and healthy? If you look at her entire life, you are going to be without her more than half the time. And you have her more than half the time now, don't you? You don't have 50/50 like I do, do you? The fact is your dd needs her father in her life, and he's not in her life that much so if what you want is more time than he has, you've already got that. If you were married and he was a loving, involved father he'd have time he spent just with her, you wouldn't be with her 100% of the time even if everything was perfect. A mom's job isn't to monopolize the children's time, it's to love them, teach them right from wrong and raise them to be good upstanding adults. You don't have to be with her 100% of the time to do that, and I'd go so far to say you shouldn't be with her 100% of the time anyway. My dad wasn't around much and what I really needed to compensate for that was a good uncle or male role model to show an interest in me and spend some time with me to show me I was important and valued and worthy of being loved. I didn't have that. My mom was without a doubt the best, she couldn't have done any better than she did. But it still wasn't enough. I needed my dad, I needed someone to be a father figure if not for him. And nobody can go back and make that up to me. Not ever.
Edited 5/28/2005 1:49 pm ET ET by firstamendment
huge hugs! i want to relate to two different issues that come thru in your post.
first - YOU need to make the transition from being part of a couple - to being a single parent. for whatever reasons - you "lost" your friends/SILs (altho, i always say that this just shows you who your real friends are). and now its up to YOU to make some NEW friends. you know what they say - don't look at this as a PROBLEM - but more as an OPPORTUNITY. you also need to set your life so that you have things to do. when my son was young (age 3-5) and his father was still in his life, he used to take him for one weekend a month and to be honest - i LOVED that time alone. i would buy a pile of newspapers, mags, food, and slept the weekend away. i am not saying that you need to do that - but having some "alone" time is VERY important. also - you might want to find OTHER single parents (such as "parents without partners") to do things with.
second- i know this is hard but you really need to move on. your husband is who he is - and he is not going to change. he has two kids - and i truly understand that you see *your* kid as the important child - but in your husband's eyes he has two kids. i know that this is hurting you - but its not the 'other' child's fault either. this is a tough situation all-around and you ALL need to learn to live with it...
and last - DON'T get into discussions with your ex. i assure you that you will not always be alone, i assure you that you will find friends and that special person to share your life.
Sometimes i feel stupid when others point out my sentences or "You said...." and yes I say it out of anger.
Ex and I were together 16yrs (high school sweethearts) broke up 2 times and I got prego when we were unofficailly broken up. I was with someone else and he was too. His sister had a party and well you know. However, I had a miscarriage only prego 5 weeks but they didn't do D&C because I was having my own body discharge it. My guy I was dating at the time (only a couple of months nothing serious) was very hurt when I told him that I had slept with ex and I was prego and blah blah blah. Of course good for him he left and told me that I would always be unhappy. (hmmmm he may be right) My ex stayed with his "girlfriend" for a little while longer but the need for me to have this "child" was aching in me. We both had asaid that we would always have a child and only becuawe we knew each other so well and all that sappy stuff. Again before doctors orders we started having sex again. Here and there no committment. I just wanted a kid and if I could of at that point I would have done it with anyone to void that feeling. Well lo and behold 4 weeks after miscarriage I had a follow up with my doctor and still no period. Well thank GOD IN HEAVEN that they didn't do D&C because the doctor said that I was STILL prego. He thinks but will never know that our DD was a twin. He gave me a due date but I had her 3 weeks early from this due date and the doctor said she showed signs of an overdue baby.
So no we weren't committed at thte time of conception but we knew what we were doing. I didn't want him in my life after I had her. He didn't buy her not one thing while I was prego. Made me drive myself to my own lamaze classes. Still messing with other chick. I truly didn't care. WE WEREN'T TOGETHER. After she was born (HAVE NEVER AND STILL AM NOT ON ANY ASSISTANCE) not that if any one was that would be awful but I make too much money (hmmm doesn't feel like it) but he didn't give any money for her. No help with daycare so I said if you can't pay for her you aren't seeing her. WEll then he got his best friends' mom to be his lawyer and she filed and served me with parenting time parents. Which he lasted for about 3 months then he moved away. So I was the mommy and daddy. I was FINE with that. AT that time he was seeing a ton of different chicks. I didn't care my DD is all that mattered. Then this guy I was talking to wanted to come over to my house. So I asked my EX if it was ok to introduce our DD to this guy because since he moved away the parenting time papers of him getting our DD W-Fri and then every other weekend wasn't going to happen because of how many miles away he moved. I agreed that if he called me early inthe week I would let him have her but if I ever canceled plans because of him coming to see her and he canceled at the last minute then that would be it. I told him of this other guy because if the other guy was around when he came to pick up our DD I didn't want him to be surprised or cause a scene. Not for his permission but to just be cordial. HE FLIPPED OUT AND CALLED ME EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK. Then a couple weeks after that he begged to come back and told me that he didnt want someone else raising his child and blah blah blah and our child needs 2 parents and this and that and apologized to my parents for what he done to our DD of making my parents have to do his role in helping me pick her up from daycare and watching her while I worked 2 jobs.
Asked me to marry him and I said no until after Iknew we could work (10 months later I said yes) and we married. Then he went back to his old ways. Not wanting to work only when conveinent for him, I was a bad mom for not being SAHM and having babysitter raise our DD. Then we would fight and he would leave and go to his sister's house and probably then but I swwear never ever thought he would sleep with his sister's sis-n-law she looks just like her own brother A DUDE and not a very good looking one either.
Now they have a baby but he denied her all year long saying NO I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS BABY AND OUR DD IS MY ONLY BABY FOREVER AND ON AND ON.
After the way my X was raised both parents drug addicts, father died at 47, X and sisters had to go to soup kitchens to eat whenthey were little, garage sales for presents, never celebrated holidays. Even when I met him at 16 they never had a christmas tree, never had food, but you know what I fell inlove with this generous person. He truly was. But never know what happened. He always said his child would never EVER want for anything. Well what happened.
I know my daughter loves him and I should be lucky he takes part at all in her life. The little he does but he makes it sound like he is father of the year.
I know my ANGER is AWFUL. Also when we went to marriage counseling he wanted tokill himself because of our home life and how I didn't show I loved him. But after he had this affair eh went (before I found out) he told cousenlor and me that he didn't need counseling anymore that I was the one that needed all the help and he hoped that I would get help so I could have a better life. MAN PLEASE!!! I never wanted to kill myself but I wanted tokill him. Now he is all better because he says HE IS AWAY FROM ME. Anyone who can be better being away from their child more power to you.
My daughter will be strong and I just hate it when he calls her and tells her well I will see you on this day and BAM!! I can;'t come. My DD is now saying I bet he is with that other kid right mom? I tell her I have no idea you will have to ask your dad that.
But thank you for listening. I want to get better and not give him any of my time. EVER EVER AGAIN.