Circumstances surrounding your divorce..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Circumstances surrounding your divorce..
12
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:28pm
There are some obvious, big reasons people get divorced: physical abuse, adultery, substance/alcohol abuse, etc. If you divorced for other reasons, did you ever feel that people thought you didn't try hard enough? I remember going through that. People just couldn't understand the nuances of financial abuse, neglect, and overall cruelty I put up with. They just saw the ex as a swell, fun guy, always willing to help them out. Did you/do you ever feel your reasons for divorcing aren't "big" enough in the eyes of others?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:56pm
Oh yes..I can relate. Noone knew what went on inside my marriage. For over 15 years...the emotional abuse, the neglet...his drug use, his porn addicition, his anger and rage issues. But to everyone else, they saw him as just a guy trying hard, he's a good liar and very manipulative. I tried for years to save my marriage for the kids sake and for our sake. All for nothing...he would never change...i was just supposed to continue living being completely control and abused. He is extremely private and to this day (been divorced 5 years) has not taken responsibility for his part. It's all my fault, everything will always be my fault...Um, can you say that is a projection on his part. I have grown, i have done some healing...but it still hurts. I lost all contact with his family..people i had know for over 15 years...no one will speak to me...which is fine...i never wanted these people to take sides, and i still have never talked to any of them about the problems we had. They just know what he tells them and believe me he makes me out to be the monster...and they all feel sorry for him! Oh please!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 1:02pm

YES!!!!!!

But then i am reassured by my family and friends, and of course, my therapist, that the life i was living with stbx was not normal. the drinking, intermittent jobs, financial issues, etc., was way too much for me to handle.

i am also happy i found this board. i really needed somewhere to go where others had similar if not the same experiences as i was having.

no one really knew what was happening in my home. i would cover for stbx when he would leave a gathering early, or would not go at all, because he was drunk. i would say that his medication made him sleepy, or he wasn't feeling well. i only let a few people take a look inside my marriage, and they never said it was unusual, because he didn't beat me, or cheat. but he was cheating, he was drinking and having an affair with alcohol.

my attitude toward drinking and socializing has changed so much in the past year. i find my tolerance for it is limited. life isn't a frat party.

(if it were only that simple.)

what




Edited 4/13/2007 1:06 pm ET by whatabadidea
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 2:51pm

I used to get the impression from friends and even some family that I was being selfish when I left XH. They saw him as a great guy and a great father and thought that I was acting childish when I gave up. My father had the nerve to say to me, "He's a good husband. He lets you go to the beach with your girlfriend!" I got to do that one weekend a year, while he was absent almost every Sunday afternoon with his friends, and emotionally absent about 90% of the time he was home.

BUT....... after the divorce, his true colors came out. I had people apologize because he's such a nutcase now.

Frankly, for all of us, if WE know what went on, and WE know what we did to save the marriage, and WE are satisfied, it shouldn't matter a hill of beans to anyone else!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 3:30pm

We're divorcing because of stbx's alcohol abuse. And yes, I feel people think we didn't try hard enough. He's not a falling down drunk or physically abusive. He's an ugly drinker who is verbally abusive to me but no one outside of the family sees that. He's going around telling people he left because I'm abusive towards our oldest daughter and his family is buying it and promising unlimited finacial support in his fight for his kids. The problem is actions speak louder than words. If I'm so abusive, why'd he leave the kids with me? Why is he asking for 50% custody instead of full custody? It makes me sick that my in laws are buying his BS.

He put in the counter complaint that I "yell" at dd#1 and send her to her room. What parent doesn't/hasn't? Yea, maybe I do yell but I was the ONE trying to deal with things like getting her to do her homework. Sadly, dd is struggling here. She figured out months ago that if she could get me to yell at her, stbx would come out of the basement and let into me and she'd get out of whatever it was I wanted her to do. Stbx couldn't see that and played right into her game. Not surprisingly, I haven't had to raise my voice to her since he left. There's noting to gain by getting me to yell now.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 7:01pm

Nope, everyone I knew was so happy that I finally called it quits. They watched me struggle and struggle with what was a losing battle and interestingly enough when I finally did decide to divorce my ex the only one who was surprised about it was ME! In fact, my best friend said he watched me start to arrange Plan B the first time my ex pulled the rug out from under me. I hadn't even realized that I was doing that, but looking back I see now that I was getting my life in order in case it didn't work out while I did everything humanly possible to stay together.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 7:48am
Yes people don't and sometimes even I don't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:42am

Did you/do you ever feel your reasons for divorcing aren't "big" enough in the eyes of others?

Never. In my case, my friends and family couldn't understand why I stuck around for so long and put up with his temper and verbal tirades. The main reason I stayed was because of the children. But then I realized I wasn't doing them any favors, and I was slowly dying inside.

It was still hard to divorce even under my circumstances. I can't imagine having what appeared to be a "good" marriage and hearing people question my decision. Thank God I didn't have to go through that.

Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 1:33pm
Yes! But the reason why nobody saw the trouble was because it was all very well hidden. In fact, my STBX was seen as a real standup guy while I was seen as being miserable toward him. Of course, no one realized that I was miserable because our relationship was a disaster. Nobody saw the other side of him until after we split. Now I don't have that trouble because the people who's opinion I actually care about see very clearly what an idiot he is without my having to say a word.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:45pm

absolutely! there are many people to this very day who are still in *denial* about me & ex's divorce. he was (still is) exceptional of crafting this faux perfect-guy-husband-father public relations campaign that practically everyone around him (a lot of "yes" friends who think ex hung the moon & decorated it) believes he's a *wonderful* man. well, heck of course they do because he would cater to THEIR needs 24/8 (yes, he even added an extra day to the universe's calendar) to do so ... being significantly absent from our marriage to spend time and money with friends: going on frequent trips out of town, state, country with single male friends, drinking at alll hours of the night with friends, playing golf 4 times a week with friends, working around the clock (that's where he got most people fooled because he was seen as an incredible *provider*) ...

also, sustaining his popularity poll was his uncanny knack of acquiring gross material wealth, BUT could seldom hold onto to any of it: losing our 6,000 sq ft home, land, cars, furniture, moving constantly since relocating to texas six years ago, NO retirement savings, although he makes $10K-plus a month. essentially, the *showiness* is enough to buy him many, many *yes* friends, yet, little true loyalty or integrity -- it's kinda sickening to watch as ex feeds or should i say feigns on validation, the more the better, and his friends are happy to serve it up to him, as long as he's paying for their trips, buying rounds of drinks, etc. -- there's basically NOTHING that he can do wrong. and although i've known these folks for some 15 years, technically, i know now that they were never my friends, as they've allowed ex and skank GF to stay in their homes, knowing that he was still legally married to me & embraced her with open arms because of the unlimited lies ex told about me causing the demise of the marriage AND they support his decision to have treated me in such a deplorable manner during this divorce process.

but ironically, the people who know him the most -- his family and my immediately family know his true colors and aren't fooled by his formidable performance at ALL! so, essentially, they were overjoyed when i finally ended the marital misery, for the sake of myself and twin DSs ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:29pm
Most people also wondered why I didn't leave sooner. As to which circumstances...emotional or physical abuse, drinking, drugs, stealing, cheating, pornography....all of the above. I know if I thought about it I would think of a few others. I was really stupid, misguided, naive, scared, a complete mess. Then wisdom came, followed by realization or revelation, as you like, and I got out. The toughest question I have been asked isn't why I left, but why I stayed as long as I did or even hooked up with that one in the first place. I would need a doctor's couch and plenty of time to go over that question.

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