Circumstances surrounding your divorce..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Circumstances surrounding your divorce..
12
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:28pm
There are some obvious, big reasons people get divorced: physical abuse, adultery, substance/alcohol abuse, etc. If you divorced for other reasons, did you ever feel that people thought you didn't try hard enough? I remember going through that. People just couldn't understand the nuances of financial abuse, neglect, and overall cruelty I put up with. They just saw the ex as a swell, fun guy, always willing to help them out. Did you/do you ever feel your reasons for divorcing aren't "big" enough in the eyes of others?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 3:27pm

This is a great topic!

I have been thinking lately about WHY exactly we got divorced, and it is SO complicated! Sometimes people ask me "Why did you two split up?" And honestly, it is so hard to explain because there are so many deep-seated things in our dynamic that couldn't be resolved, mostly stemming from individual childhood issues that transferred into our M that we couldn't escape. He had anger and intimacy issues, yet the lines are so blurred between whether it was me or transferrence, and same with me. I am so sad my M didn't work out, and still a bit confused about why we were so angry with each other all the time. But we were. And it was repressed. I always felt like I was trying to get him to love me but couldn't. Even though I was the one that packed up my bags and moved out, it was him that shut down on me many years earlier. I was so lonely in so many ways.

ANyway when people ask, I just say "After 13 years with one person, married so young, we both grew and changed in different directions."

I am still so heartbroken over the end of my M two years later.


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 9:03pm
Try high school sweethearts, he was the love of my life. Together for 20 years, married for 12 with 2 kids. Started working together 9 years ago for my family business. (he worked there for 20 years) Nothing to talk about. We both had alcohol problems. He binge drank a few days a week. I would drink a few beers at night just to take the edge off. He stopped doing things around the house so I stopped caring. Just a total train wreck. He wouldn't got to MC. I went to a therapist who suggested marriage counseling. He met someone in October and denies having sex with her but he bragged to his friends that he did. His sister loves her brother but tells me I can do better. She loves the brother she grew up with and doesn't know who this guy is anymore. She can't talk to him because he is always right. He is just alienating everyone around. I'm just staying sober now. It's easier not living with him. I guess we grew apart. I hope I'm heading in a better direction. From what I hear, the girl he fell for is stringing along 2 other guys as well. It's too bad he doesn't spend as much on his kids as he has on her. Basically he tries to blame me saying I think I'm better than anyone. At least I can say I never cheated and treat my kids as my #1 priority.
Brenda

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