clearing the conscience

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
clearing the conscience
9
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:50am

I've described my situation in previous discussions. I need to add to it, I am feeling so quilty right now that I need to get opinions and advice from you. Anyways, here goes, I found out that my husband has been going to quite a few dating sites, something got the best of me, I joined them, 1 under my name, 2 more under different names. He hasn't responded to mine at all, the other 2 he's responding to, even gave them his cell phone number. One of the ladies I'm protraying is very timid, the other I'm protraying as myself, telling him my likes and dislikes etc. Any ways, I'm feeling very quilty about it, I can't tell him, he'll use it against me. I know what it feels like to be lied to and decieved. Have other women done this? Am I truly completely nuts?

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:13am

i haven't done THIS but i did have a feeling that my ex was on a specific dating site so i registered just to *find him* because i was curious to see how he would describe himself... needless to say i never "found him"...

rhea57 - I understand - really really understand - your need/desire to investigate this, to somehow get your husband to ..... react in some way to "you".... i really do understand this - i know where you are coming from .....

but i really truly think you need to stop this. aside from the fact taht if he DOES figure it out he WILL bring this up and somehow use this against you, you are not going to be able to heal as long as you keep this up. i know i keep repeating myself - but i promise you that i am right....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:31am
thats why I posted what I did. I know its wrong, besides it isn't doing me any good. I think I had this fantasy based on the song "Do You Like Pina Coladas". I'm trying to be so honest here. The one place I feel safe. I won't respond to any more of his e-mails to these "OW", I know its wrong. I also knew this would be th eonly place I could go to that would be honest enough to tell me I'm wrong.
thank you so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:13pm

I had something similar happen to me.... I had known my xh was cruising dating sites long before we divorced (apparently including sites where you could find people to 'hook up' with), so I was not too surprised when one day I was checking my mail on yahoo...they were doing an agressive promotion of their dating services and popping up pictures in fairly quick succession of guys signed up on their site and - yes, you can guess what happened - my ex's picture popped up. I clicked and read his profile and I was so mad! I wish I hadn't given in to curiosity - the only person I hurt was me..... Well, I told my Mom about it and she was a bit ticked, too.

The ex had mentioned trips we'd taken and other stuff from our time together - it was all worded so cutesy - like he was such an interesting, fun person. The capper was his mentioning something along the lines about if you could keep up an interesting conversation during a week long drive down the coast, you'd have him hooked. Real early on in our relationship, we'd done that! It had been such a special trip - but after reading that reference to it, I let that comment ruin my memories. The other thing that pissed me off was him posting a picture of himself with our ds at some tide pools - a picture I took and had been so proud of as it was a really neat picture, plus it was one of the few times he was truly involved with our son during an outing. I looked at it and thought - "it's bait for the next gal - gee, look what a great Dad I am!" He was such a bad father!!

For quite awhile, I was trying to figure out why he seemed so able to move on so quickly and I was curious about what he was doing - I think that's pretty normal.

I finally got over my anger when I realized that he was just trying to make himself look good for the ladies out there. It had nothing to do with the memories I had of our time together and nothing much at all to do with me - I doubt he was trying to hurt me with his profile. And I also realized that the ladies (including the new fiancee) who were taken in by all that b***s*** were actually getting a jerk - and I felt sorry for them. (As far as I could tell, he had an addiction to porn when we were married.....whoever wants that in their life, go for it, but I didn't and don't!)

I tried the online dating thing for awhile - on a site where I didn't think he'd posted a profile, and everytime I'd see a picture of a guy where it looked like the ex had been cropped out, I'd feel sad. I'd wonder what went wrong in the marriage - if it was something as bad as what I went through. I am finding I am terribly gun-shy about getting involved with men again.

Hang in there and please do something nice for yourself! I can understand the curiosity, but by focusing on the ex and what he's doing, you're keeping yourself tied to your past - and it doesn't sound like a very happy place to be. My advice is to not tell him about it. I did tell my ex I had seen his profile about a year after it happened, and he apparently felt bad that I had been hurt by it, but telling him really didn't seem to matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:45pm
I'm so sorry about your situation. I found some e-mails that my ex left on the computer to his gf (from a little before he filed for the divorce) and was stunned. He told her stuff like "don't stop if it's making you feel so good, let it all go and feel squishy, thanks for last night I feel so sexy..." It was all so shocking and upsetting to read. For a long time I have wanted to ask him if he's feeling squishy when he arrives for his visitations... But I haven't. Something has stopped me- I think it's too painful. Please don't tell him about the web site yet- time seems to have a way of lessening anger and healing wounds. If a year from now you still feel the same way, then tell him how much it hurt you. You will find somebody when the time is right. I feel gun shy now, also. Some of my friends have had good luck on e-Harmony but I'm not ready yet. Maybe next year... I did use the e-mails in our divorce proceedings, and I recieved a much better settlement- so WATCH OUT. Take care- things will work out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:25pm
I am very proud of myself, I went and deleted all the accounts I made on the dating sites, I deleted the e-mail accounts. Now if only I could get into his!!! His famous expression to me was "the proof is in the pudding" we know his pudding turned sour! My expression, the proof is in his e-mails! Oh well, i'm still proud of myself
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 6:27am
Good for you for deleting those! Yeah, what you did probably isn't a good idea, but DON'T beat yourself up about it. Give yourself a free pass for this one :) In the end, I think it would just wind up being more painful for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:16am
good for you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:08pm

I can't remember if I told you how I got into ex's e-mails (he has a very sophisticated security system). Here's how I did it: he was logged onto his e-mail and got interrupted by the kids and left the desk. He forgot to go back and log off and the screen was blank...so when I went on the computer it popped up! I coundn't believe it- tons of sexy e-mails to his gf right there. Forwarded them to my atty and I called the mediator and cancelled. He denied knowing her until he was shown the e-mails at his depo (that was a great moment). I also have a list of all 220 phone calls made to her, also. It all paid off in the end. You made the right decision to delete your stuff- if he had done that I would not have ever known. Good luck.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 7:26pm
Way to go! The longer you hang on, the longer the healing process! Pat yourself on the back and hold your head high! I would bet we've all cracked and done something in a moment of weakness that we've later regretted. I know I have!