closure needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
closure needed
12
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:54am
Im getting married on December 17, I have been divorced for over 2 years and I still do not have closure. I have tried to get my ex, through email, to help with this but it didnt go as planned. It always starts out Hi how are you and ends up you lousy cheating....i emailed him last night to let him know that Im tired of fighting and that with my marriage and possible move across country I didnt wnat any extra baggage hanging around me. I know he probably wont repsond, so does anyone know how to reach this closure when all the kids cant play nicely in the sandbox?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: emmylu2001
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 8:32am

your ex is NOT the person who is going to help you get closure - IF you are sure that what you need is closure...


lets say, that its not HIS responsibility at this point - its yours.


i don't know if you have been to therapy after your divorce, but that would be a good place to start. If its bothering you - then you need to deal with it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: emmylu2001
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 8:55am
im not sure what i need...but ithink i will take your advice...and seek out professional help. atleast then i dont feel like im sweeping things under the carpet and thinking they will just go away, because they dont....thank you so much for your imput
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: emmylu2001
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 5:27pm

Congratulations on your pending neptuals Emmy.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: emmylu2001
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 5:54pm

Wow, very well said.

I, too, have been longing for ex to acknowledge his part in the failure of our marriage. I like what you said about him not having control over your life anymore. I want that too. I'll remember what you wrote here.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: emmylu2001
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:24pm
Hi Di
thank you for your response. I cant but agree with you. My soon 2b hubby is a patient man and does listen and gives really great advice, but having never gone through a divorce, sometimes he is at a loss for words. Counseling can be expensive, so that is why I am here to get advice from others and by doing that maybe I can find a way to put the past to bed. I mean for the most part I have...but there are a few things that are still hanging out there....
I also posted another message called is this normal on another part of this board, your thoughts would be greatly appricated on that too.
Thanks a bunch
Em
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: emmylu2001
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 9:35am

Emmy,


Let me say this.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: emmylu2001
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:09pm
I guess you can say that I just want him to own up to the heartache, head games and the nasty things that he used to say to me. The only thing he said to me, about his affair, is that it was his search for normalcy. You know a simple Im sorry would honestly be enough...I guess my problem is that I know he will never take responsiblity for his actions, but part of me still has a glimmer of hope that one day he will. I have written a letter and ripped it up, it really didnt make me feel better. I just want him to know and feel the pain he put me through. Maybe its revenge? but I have let go of him for the most part i dont think about the whole mess anymore...I think the reason this is coming back to the surface again is because I saw him two weekends ago as I was driving to see my mother. He was in the oncoming traffic lane and looked right at me a flipped me the bird. I just totally ignored him and looked straight ahead...I just wish someone would invent a big eraser that would rub out the parts of life that we dont wish to remember....but that isnt going to happen...i know he is a big baby, that has never changed, but i guess i want to know why he put me through all of that. He could have just left and said look this isnt working for me anymore and that would be it...but no...he drug me through his "search" to and really messed me up emotionally...but I am mending...its not like i dwell on this with my fiance or anyone for that matter...i think im just going crazy at times...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: emmylu2001
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:55pm

Emmy,


First let me just say that you are not going crazy.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: emmylu2001
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 2:26pm
thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! I will love the one im with, i will not let my ex freaking control me now!! never will i let someone take my own self control away from me! NEVER again!!! God that felt good to say and type at the same time!!!!! But I think your are very VERY right, and I have to put the past to bed. He will never apologize nor own up to his actions!Just by getting upset over what he did the other weekend means that Im letting him win...and i DONT THINK SO!!!! When the bad thoughts start to creep in, its time for loud music and lots of dancing. Im so tired of thinking about those 5 years I was married to him. Its time to turn the page of that chapter in my life and realize that Im a stronger more extablished person since then. Im not afraid to say Im sorry or I love you and actually mean it. His problems are his alone and not mine ever again!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: emmylu2001
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 2:58pm

*\0/*


Yes!


It is truly cause for celebration when you get that "Aha" moment as Oprah calls it. This is not about him. It is about your new love, your new relationship and your new life with a man that in no way resembles the baggage man you got away from.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

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