Co-dependent?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Co-dependent?????
3
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 12:52pm
My divorce was final a few months ago. I filed because I felt my X was controlling and abusive. I always thought I was the one who was co-dependent. Now I am wondering if he is too and that's why he is having a hard time letting me go and that's why he stalks me. I received a call @ 5:30 this morning from him. He left a message saying he needed help; that his car was just impounded for unpaid parking tickets (now he has no where to live). I feel "bad" for not rescuing him. I know that would not be good for me or him. Is this what "Tough Love" is? How do I just walk away?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: dkm1972
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:20pm

he is having trouble letting go because he is controlling and abusive - not because he is co dependent (he may or may not be co dep - but that isn't your concern right now). in addition, because YOU are the co-dependent in a controlled /abused relationship - it is easy for you to fall right back into your role.

what you need to do has nothing to do with 'tough love'. contrary to what you may feel - there is no "love" in a controlled relationship. (tough love is what you do in a parent-child relationship). what you need to do is break away - cold turkey, if you have to. its not easy - because you have gotten used to your role in being the helper/supporter/cheerleader and so on.

having been in your shoes - i think that getting help for youself is what will help you - short term and long term - short term, in order to break away from this relationship, and long term - in order to make sure that you don't fall into this pattern again. look into individual therapy, and try a co-dependents support group (such as CO-DA) if that wil work for you.

in the meantime: keep records of everything he is doing. save his phone messages, and anything lse he sends you. write down dates and times of when he comes to your home, etc. if it gets worse - speak to the police. and DON'T answer his phone calls, DON'T let him into the house, and please - DON'T sleep with him. remember - at some point he will give up and stop,yu need to be pateint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: dkm1972
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:55pm
I have tried so hard to be strong it just seems the last few weeks have been getting harder and harder. I don't want to lock myself up in the house or "runaway" from him. How do I stand up to him? I do not contact him but he always contacts me. It is hard because we do have a 4 year old son together (of course X is not following what the court recommended for visitation). Funny you mentioned CO-DA because he had mention he and a buddy(who is controlling and abusive too)were attending CO-DA. I have been in counseling for a while and starting taking medication a couple months ago. I just don't feel like I'm getting stronger. I don't know if this will make sense or not but my biggest fear is not him being controlling or abusive but it's me caving in to him.
Thanks for listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: dkm1972
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 7:12am

you may need to have your meds adjusted, or even stopped altogther. i don't know what you are taking, and why, but some meds make people somewhat apathetic.

the only way to be strong - is to be strong. sorry - i don't mean to be blase about this - i know its difficult but you have to reach deep down inside yourself, and be strong. for me it was fighting/rebelling against the way i was raised - literally. I had to force myself to be assertive - only to me, it was like being 'rude' and it went against the way i was raised. but i did it. if your therapist can't help you with this, then you might wnt to try an assertive-training class, or even a dale-carnegie type course (something for salespeople). i understand that you have a child together but you need to ONLY respond to things that have to do wtih your child. don't even 'warn' him about this - but JUST DO IT. and regarding your son - why is ex not following the court order visitation? don't let him get away with this! don't be sitting around, waiting, while ex shows up late. there are ways to fix this too - for example, if he is supposed to pick up DS at 4PM, you give him a grace periods (lets say, 15 minutes), and then take your son and go somewhere. or get a baby sitter, and go out on your own, and inform (by letter) your ex that he is responsible for the baby sitter. don't explain to your son, don't make excuses about your ex. it is HIS responsibility to be there and to be there on time. i went thru this with my first ex - my son's father. he wouldbe late, he wouldn't show up, and i would be there covering his A&&. i stopped doing it after a while because it was just making things worse.

so ---- next time he calls, you discuss DS, and as soon as he starts saying ANYTHING that is not related to DS (and i mean "ANYTHING") - you just say - "bye" and HANG UP. and yes, it is that easy. write this down on cards and leave it near your phone.

<<>> this makes perfect sense. BTDT. you know - when you start taking control of your life - of ALL other aspects of your life, yuou will see how much stronger you will feel in this aspect too.
Thanks for listening!