Co-Workers Found Out the News

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Co-Workers Found Out the News
13
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 8:20pm

Ok, just a little update and maybe some advice to others newly separated. To make a long story short(er), my STBX moved out March 31 and I haven't told too many people. Just two friends, my family, and some in the neighborhood figured it out. I hadn't told my co-workers because I didn't want to be the talk of the school (I teach), nor did I really want to divulge details to them or well-meaning parents who would then find out. Anyway, one friend who knew that he had moved out, accidentally let it be known yesterday that I have my new house for sale and I'm looking for another. Of course, that led to questions and I blurted out "I need a new house because I'm living in mine w/o my husband now." It got suddenly quiet and they apologized and tried to soothe me. I basically ran out crying and went to my room so I could take a Xanax. It was hard to face some people later that day who came to check on me and offer support. One divorced friend even wrote a kind note stating "we are all here to support you. And we still care for you and respect you." (Thank goodness I didn't get that note til after school since I cried again). I think I needed to hear that I would still be liked and respected, and not thought of as "that woman getting a divorce, and what is wrong with her?"

I guess my advice to newly separated women is to go ahead and tell your co-workers and friends. THey can support you, give you advice, and just listen. I'm so glad that I've crossed this hurdle that I've been dreading. People who have been through this difficult time are usually very supportive and understanding.

Thanks to everyone on here too! Jo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 8:01am
I have to second this. My stbx was annoyed because I told everyone but I figured they would learn about it at some point anyway! Besides, everyone was so supportive and it really helped me get through the initial time period. Being divorced doesn't point out anything bad about me (except my bad taste in men LOL). It's been my experience that people will really step up and help if you give them a chance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:13am

I lived with that dread for a year.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:32pm

I've always thought that some think divorce is "contagious", so they keep away...

As if it makes them so uncomfortable about their own relationships.

We only had a few very casual "couple" friendships -- mainly cause nobody else liked him either -- and they were very cool at first. That did change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:41pm

I didn't tell my co-workers at all. I told a select few and then after awhile everyone knew about it and would ask me about it. I'm actually glad that they know at work because now my boss knows and is more sympathetic when it comes to my work schedule and the need for consistency.

As for people in my town, that's another story. There a few that embarrassed me by asking about it in a social situation and put me on the spot just for their own enjoyment. With those people I just flat out told them that I did NOT want to discuss it.

It's interesting how some people take a harsh view of divorce when obviously aren't happy themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:56pm

Yeah, really, it's nobody else's business anyhoo.

My employer knew I was having difficulties with the ex, because I had to take time off of work for meetings with the attoney and to go to court. I'm quite glad he was very understanding and gave me the time off.

I had somebody keep on asking me questions about the custody fight, divorce etc. at a social gathering once. I finally got snooty and said, "Why are you asking all this? Do you need a divorce? Here, let me give you my attorney's number, do you have a pen?" She walked off--Others laughed.

People can be so rude--too much reality tv, I s'pose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:03pm
Some people get off on others' misery. Others are just plain nosey. I was at the park with my daughter the other day and my neighbor was there with her kids as well. She started saying how she couldn't believe we were divorced and how she didn't think we would be the ones to end up that way. There's nothing I hate worse than being pumped for information because I know for a fact that she'd be going back to everyone else around here and giving them the post mortem of our conversation. I cut her off and changed the subject and that said it all. Moral to the story, only tell people that need to know for legitimate reasons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:09pm

I am so glad everyone was kind and supportive toward you. That must have been a HUGE relief. I remember feeling VERY embarrassed when I had to start telling the news about my separation. I work in an office where everyone is on top of each other (this was before I started working from home). So, people hear you on the phone, even if they try not to listen. I had also separated 2.5 years earlier and we had reconciled, so I dreaded the thought of having to tell people....again.


But isn't it great when people surprise you? It's going to make your work environment so much better, knowing people care and understand. It was a huge bridge to cross...but you did it. HUGS!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 4:22pm

Hi Jo.... I'm glad that your co-workers are being supportive, and I think that WE are our own worst enemies.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:57pm

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I think telling "the public" was one of my biggest fears. Now that it has come to pass, it isn't so bad. I did cry twice that day, and now everyone is kind of mum about it. I think they figured out that I didn't really want to discuss it because I would get too upset at work. One co-worker complimented me, saying that she wouldn't have guessed, as I was still doing a good job and didn't act upset or distracted. Well, that's just because teaching all day doesn't give you time to fall apart! I save that for the stroke of midnight (like now..lol).

As for my "story" (and I read in a book to have one ready for nosy people), I just either say "it's too difficult to talk about right now" or "we just couldn't get along the way we needed to." Who knows what my STBX is saying? Hmm.....

Today was tough too. STBX badgered me via e-mail for the past few days with more blame and anger. Even though he distanced himself for over a year (on the computer playing war games for 2-3 hours a night while I did the housekeeper/mommy stuff) and was basically mean, playing ping-pong with my head; he wasn't ready for this dissolution. I believe he thought he had to follow through with his threats, as well as just not knowing how to get out of his anger and depression. I guess he thinks "getting rid" of me will solve his hurt and anger. Anyway, today he kept badgering me to call my attorney and make sure the separation papers were in order so he could sign and get the knife out of his gut, and move on so he could heal. So, I did and he signed. Then he called my cell twice, just to harass me some more. "I am out of your life now. You should be happy!" The second time I didn't answer and he left a voice mail while crying. The gist of it was "I never asked you to cook more meals, never asked you to vacuum, let you have a housekeeper, and never asked you to work too much (uh yeah, I already was doing those things, I didn't have to be asked). I loved you for you and was just happy to have you around. But you couldn't accept me for who I was and only kept asking me to do this or do that, and to change. And now I'm gone." He sent me other e-mails stating that he was a good husband because: 1) he came home every night, 2) he provided an income, 3) he told me I was pretty and he loved me, and 4) he was close by (in the garage piddling around every night)if I needed something. That was his definition of a good husband! Gee...a dog could fulfill some of those things, and I can earn my own money. He still doesn't get it. Women want a PARTNER...a loving and helpful PARTNER! Look up the definition of partner in the dictionary.

Ok, well thanks for listening. I still have my own homework to get done. Ugh! Jo

My current motto : What's your peace of mind worth to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:38am

Getting a divorce is not something someone should be afraid of.

It's a shame we isolate ourselves when we most need people to support us.

I did it too -- and when people found out, they surprised me by being so kind and supportive. Some people came out and said they were surprised I hadn't left him years before...that wasn't very helpful to me, but their intentions were good.

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