Collaborative divorce anyone?
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Collaborative divorce anyone?
| Thu, 05-17-2007 - 12:45am |
I'm 58, with 23 yrs of marriage, 15 of it loveless. H has good job, I stayed at home, children are 18 and 21, have lost 120 lbs and gained self-esteem and want to live out the rest of my life with peace and joy, not with a H that has been uninvolved and ignored my feelings for many years. I decided, after talking with my attorney, to do it collaboratively, but am having second thoughts. This was to hopefully make it cheaper and without anger, but H has become very angry. He is concerned about money and image at work. Anyone had any experience with divorce this way, and any suggestions? Thank you.

Well, it all sounded good to me in theory, but $14,000 later, having gone the mediation route, I have nothing to show for it -- not even close to a settlement which is bizarre since there really isn't that much disagreement and we don't have the assets to justify the cost and we aren't that complicated interpersonally.
So, I can't say it (not quite collaborative) has worked for me. I think you need to get as much work done before hand on your own (together or separately) and make sure your team is really committed to getting it done, not referring you to even more highly paid professionals (financial planners).
Grrrrrr.
The alternative that appeals to me is a) I draft proposed settlement with my attorney and b) he and his attorney respond and repeat until done, with joint meeting(s) if that will bring it to closure faster. Somehow the attorneys I spoke with didn't like starting from there, but now that I have spent so much and switched attorneys my new one is saying -- yes, let's go that route.
Grrrr.
GL.
M
I chose an attorney who could handle it either way (the first one I saw only handled uncontested divorces, and there just are no guarantees, try as you will).
I did tell my EX, "we can do this the easy way and try to work together, or we can do it the hard way.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Yes. And, it worked well for us. My marriage situation is much different, as I was only married for 4.5 years, no children, but real estate and investments We were able to meet outside of our attorney's offices (3-4) times to discuss equity details, 401K, personal property, pets, etc. By the time we met with our collaborative divorce attorney's we had agreed to most of the details. It actually worked very well, as it put deadlines on specific outstanding items, which help me a lot. We were able to complete everything in two meetings. I also had several conversations with my attorney (less than 30 minutes) to get advice and input on specific items.
If your husband can be civil with you, and you both can work thru items like maintenance, 401K, personal property, investments, etc. Then I think it will be a good experience for the both of you. When you enter into collaborative, the first meeting will be with your both your attorneys to discuss the collaborative approach. You both should sign an agreement that states you both agree to work collaboratively during that meeting. Both attorney's should be trained in collaborative divorce. BTW the judge complimented us on our "successful" collaborative divorce. It still was a very sad day for me. Be prepared to be sad, grieve then start looking forward to new beginnings.
You deserve to be happy, take care of you and your kids during this time. Stay single, and get to know you again. That is my plan. Good luck to you.
Hi luna,
Be careful. If your H is starting to get angry, it could get ugly. If you have any investment interests, immediately contact them and they will freeze them until the divorce is final. I don't know your situation, but mine decided to take what he felt was his without my knowledge. He made one mistake when I overheard him bragging to my son about it. I was married for 27 years and accepted the fact that he was an angry old man, but would have never dreamed he would outright try to rip me off. Hopefully it won't come to that point for you, but just stay alert to things like that.
Terry
I'm currently going through divorce via the collaborative process. So far so good for me and I think even for him. We had to sign paperwork at the first meeting, agreeing that we would be civil to each other during the meetings. Sure, there have been some uncomfortable moments of venting, but it's part of the process of closing a chapter in life. That has been the hard part. There is anger and frustration and you have to hash everything out in person, not hiding behind your expensive adversarial attorney. But you take a 2-week break, or however long you need, to cool down before you come back together again. One thing about the collaborative process is that it has been slow-going. Mainly because we all have to agree to a day and time to meet and when there are 4 people involved and in different towns that can be a bit hairy. Another thing is that each party is expected to bring EVERYTHING to the table honestly. I'm having a hard time getting my husband to agree to how much money he makes a year.
Basically if you think your husband is going to be angry and fight you during your divorce process, the collaborative divorce may not be your best option.
I have had a positive experience with it but both of us were extremely amicable about the divorce even though I didn't want to divorce my exhusband and my exhusband was cheating on me, I was very amicable and wasn't angry and fighting him (I know hard to believe) so if there is animosity on his part your less expensive collaborative divorce could become just as expensive as a regular one if he fights you on every little thing so I would beware going this route if you think he's going to make things difficult.
I never suggest this route unless both parties are adult enough to put differences aside enough to get the ulitimate job done which is get the divorce done with a fair agreement for both for a cost efficient route. My divorce from my ex cost TOTAL $550.00, why our divorce was a lot more inexpensive is because everything we could agree on we did prior to going to the lawyers, I drafted up a document, his on one side, hers on another of the items in the home each of us would be taking along with vehicles etc. and we both agreed to it signed it and had it notorized so that the only things we took to the meetings were actual things we COULDN'T agree upon so we were not racking up hours with the meeting on things we had alreaday agreed upon. This saved time and money.
***Just the divorce payment, not the divorce itself, that was costly through pain and suffering a whole heck of a lot more.
Edited 5/19/2007 7:31 am ET by lovinhockey17
Smile,
Deirdre
Definitely something you should ask your lawyer in advance of the next collaborative meeting. There are formulas to calculate marital share in a house -- then you divide that share by 50% and he has to give you that amount -- how he does that is up to him: refinance, borrow, whatever. If 50% of the marital equity is enough for you to rent a townhouse then great!
Unless you are uncertain of your future plans, renting isn't as good a deal as buying, especially if you have a chunk on money you could put down on a place. I can understand, though, if you think you may be moving out of the area, etc. only wanting to rent.
He doesn't have to refinance to get a lower payment to buy you out -- he just has to figure out how he is going to buy you out and that may involve refinancing.
If you reliquish all interest in the house through a buyout and he does not refinance you will have to sign a quit claim deed. If he does refi then he just takes your name of the mortgage application and off the deed (I think you'd need to sign off on that).
Hth,
M