Coming to terms with Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Coming to terms with Divorce
3
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:36am
Hi all, Ok, to make a long story short...I'm 27 my Husband is 31. We met in college when I was 20 and he was an older brother of one of my college friends. He was the sweetest guy! Very polite, strong values, and a true gentleman. We dated for 3 1/2 years then we got married. We've been married for over 3 years, that puts us just about 7 years together. Our marriage has been really bad specially the past 2 years. He's become a huge gambler, He drinks alcohol and eats a lot, he gained 50+ pounds,he ignored me for a while. Thats when I met someone else and had an affair. He found out and forgave me. He said he wanted to work it out. I thought I had to give it another shot...It's been 3 months and not much has changed...The other night he drank a lot and I woke up at 3am with him peeing all over my clothes (he's done it before). I love him but I'm NOT in love with him anymore! I got the name of a divorce lawyer months ago and went to see him, but I wasn't ready to do it then...Now, I know I'm ready but I'm having a hard time doing it because Iknow H is going to be crushed! I just need out of this marriage but I'm so scared and knowing the H doesnt want out and will b crushed is really bugging me!
I feel that we're both young and we can find someone else that's a better fit for us. We don't have kids, or even assets together. We don't even share a bank account anymore. The lawyer said it would be a quick, clean divorce. So, why am I feeling so bad???
Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:51am

I totally agree with your lawyer that this will be "cleaner" since you don't have kids, co-mingled funds etc. But, you are feeling bad b/c it's natural not to want to hurt other's feelings. That means that you have a heart.

But, if you two aren't on the same page, and he's truely wanting to work out the differences, 3 months isn't that long to make a person "change." That same sweet guy should be in there somewhere. Have you tried counseling yet? There may be some buried stuff in there that is making him act that way and making you react to in in your way.

Search your heart and you'll know what's right for you.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:43pm

And..... you're worried that he'll be crushed..... because.... he's crushed you?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:58pm

Hi Leticia,
what a tough way to start the year!!! I fully agree with the other answers, your DH is not either respecting you, nor himself - and I suspect an abusive pattern, peeing on your clothes isn't any kind of display of affection I would care about.

He may have an anger problem he needs to solve - but he is the only person to do that, and he definitely needs counseling. You are actually helping him by letting him know that the behaviour isn't acceptable!! maybe he'll hear you.

NOw, of course it is stressful and hard to take the decision. Try to take it one day at a time - it isn't final until you two make it final. It could help to tell him clearly what is not acceptable in his behaviour, and that for these reasons you are going to ask for a divorce unless he goes to counseling?

It is always hard to take a final decision. One must give up dreams and plans that where part of the deal before - plans that are implicit or explicit since the marriage, since the start of the relationship. I think you are right to consider getting out now, while you both are young, and you will find a new love, a new life to bild and new dreams to pursue.

Let us know how it goes, we are all here to help!!!

Violaine