Conflicted

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2014
Conflicted
4
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 12:10am

Hi everyone so my wife and I have been married for a few years and we have recently decided that maybe we should part ways but I feel torn about whether or not to do it. I know that we still love each other but it just seems like we are not connecting anymore. We've tried counseling more than once over the years and it helped us fight less but didn't seem to bring us closer together. We seem to end up back at the core issues of intimacy (lack of) and I feel very guilty to say that that is now a dealbreaker after I married her because I knew this was an issue before the wedding. But I guess because we had a good period of time before the wedding that things were getting better. It's not just about sex, we just seem to feel connected very rarely. Drs have run tests and there are no issues to explain it. 

I think the biggest issue is that now that we cannot seem to connect emotionally or intimately, I feel drawn to find that deep emotional connection with others. It's never been intentional but I worry that if I just grit my teeth and push through that I might end up unfaithful. I don't believe in cheating. I don't ever plan to but how do I deal with the guilt of ending a marriags because of emotional/physical intimacy. It makes me feel like a jerk because it seems like a petty issue (unlike abuse or adultery). Had anyone ever gone through this?

We are still living together because we cannot afford to both move out and it seems like neither of us wants to rush this. But feeling this way makes me feel anxious. 

Any advice is so appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 1:43pm

Has anyone ever gone thru this?  Do you know what the divorce rate is?  Of course, LOTS of people get married for the wrong reasons, or simply didn't know their partner well enough.  Do yourself a favor.  If you're not happy, then get a divorce.  You've tried to fix it with counseling and that didn't help.  PLEASE, before you bring children into this world, end the marriage and be more careful before you jump into another relationship.  Don't say you can't afford it.  If you share an attorney, and have an amicable division of property, it won't cost very much.  Your happiness is worth some kind of sacrifice, isn't it?  Where and how did you two live before you were married?  You have parents don't you.  Move home (very common these days) until you can make other arrangements.  Weigh that inconvenience against being miserable and unhappy every day of your life.  Divorce is NOT a dirty word........staying in an unhappy marrieage and being miserable is proving nothing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 1:49pm

No it's not as big an issue as abuse or cheating but I think if you are really unhappy with each other, and especially if you have not had children yet, then you can admit that you made a mistake and move on with your lives.  It's better than trying to stay married for 50 yrs and regretting it the whole time because you wish things were different.  Emotional and physical intimacy are important for a good marriage--otherwise, you could just marry any nice enough person who came along and hang out, or you could just have a roommate situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 5:03pm

A lot of marriages end not because of abuse or adultery but because the partners stop having the kind of connection they want for a happy marriage. And many people stay in unhappy marriages because of children or because they're embarrassed to admit that they made a mistake or that things went bad.

Emotional and physical intimacy are very important for keeping a marriage alive. Some marriages last with little physical imtimacy because there is a strong emotional connection. If you don't have either then you might as well be roommates or friends who love each other platonically.

I could see you feeling like a jerk if you wanted to give up while she wanted to keep working on it. But it sounds like she is ready to give up too. Sometimes couples have insurmountable problems and staying together longer won't fix them. If you and she feel like you've done everything that you can to no avail, then accept that its over and get a divorce so that you each have a chance of meeting somebody with whom you will share chemistry.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 8:08am

Of course every relationship goes through this!  You have to find activities that you enjoy doing together.  Women need an emotional connection to feel physically connected.  Research shows that if you do new, exciting activities that may be a bit scarey (e.g., ziplining?  dance class?  etc.), you can create attachment.  It actually stems from three hormones.  Or perhaps give each other non-sexual massages just to physically connect, but with NO PRESSURE of intimacy.  If SHE changes her mind, so be it, but do not pressure her.  Just a few thoughts.