confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
confused
14
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 7:50am

Hi everyone,
i am pretty new here. I am so confused. My hub and I have been married 5 years ,we have a 2 year old child. We moved accross the U.S to try to find a better lifestyle for our daughter..have her grow up in the country, experience snow..etc. Well our move is killing..killed? our relationship. Fighting,money problems..etc. I am visiting back home soon to try to clear my head and figure things out...been thinking a lot about leaving.
I wonder though because of our daughter is this going to be the right thing to do. I have lost so much respect for my husband and I think he to me as well. I feel we love eachother but not in love any longer, and I can't picture things being back to how they used to. How do you know how to make the right choice. I have made so many wrong decisions the last 2 years, I am so afraid to make yet the biggest mistake.

Thank you for any suggestions or input,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
In reply to: mom_bettyboop
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:03am
Well what you say makes me feel a heck of alot better.But...is there law that could prevent that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
In reply to: mom_bettyboop
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:17am

Thanks again for great input.....BUt.....I should have done that a LONG time ago. My story is a crazy one. When we first moved ...I hated it here...I cried without him knowing ...then he finally asked me what was wrong..and I told him . He got so ANGRY and upset, I thought I might lose him..So I pretended to like it . Then I started thinking well...maybe there was somewhere else in the south that might be a compromise..So started talking to friends(without him really knowing my intentions) And then I hinted about checking..just checking out Charleston..(maybe a combo of beach like CA and the south mixed together) may have been perfect place to settle. So he got upset , but we went to check it out. We found an awesome community..jumped into a house,..But the house was not ready for 7 weeks so we stayed in a nice hotel. Then is when I really had 2nd thoughts about everything the move to Charleston.. I briefly brought it up ..And he got VERY ANGRY..-Screamed,yelled , broke our luggage, basically had a fit and said he could not even stand to look at me. After all this , I said ok, no worries. He bought a biz(he has to be self employed) and months later..Again I could not stand it..Even more so than Tenn.
Chasing,biting mosquitoes,no seeums, fire ants, frogs,wasps all in our house. Even the smell in the air(there was a paper plant nearby. I just could not take it .So I broke down..After crying for weeks and talking to a friend of mine daily, I wrote him a letter.He again freaked..but I did not tell him the truth again that I wanted to go back to CA..so after everything we ended up back in Tenn. I have now truly come to like it more than before here,but... I do miss family and the way things were in CA. ..And the fact that we are now Way into debt without any income.
So you see.. I should have been straight up long ago.. BUt at the time we were such honeys and in love and I was so afraid of losing him and so unsure of the future.

Crazy I know... I know I have made some really BAD decisions these past 2 years, but am now ready to step up and hopefully make the Right one. If that is possible ..and I am scared to death!
Thanks for listening and your support..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: mom_bettyboop
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:10am

You really do need to see an attorney. If you start the divorce process you will file for custody and the court will need to be involved in any decision to move away. You can ask but he can fight it. If he fights it, it can get very expensive and take years. The court could eventually agree to you moving, but it is not usually automatic (this is different everywhere which is why you should be asking an attorney about the laws where you live and recent cases in your jurisdiction).

If you are married and you move, then the court is not involved unless one of you starts a divorce or custody proceeding and asks for the courts involvement. In my mind, if you really want to move your best chances are all moving together or having him let you and your child go without talking about divorce at all yet. Then once you have established residency in CA (usually takes 6 months, but check with an attorney about that too), then you can file for divorce and custody in CA. If he files first or if he files before you have residency in CA, you will end up doing this long distance from CA which will be a lot harder.

I'm not even addressing the concerns about the father being separated from his child and the damage that will most likely do on their relationship. She won't have her dad there for school plays or to show her report card to. He'll miss birthday's and sporting events. They will both lose out. I personally will not move away to be near my parents and my family because although that would be good for me, it would be really hard on my dd to be away from her dad. She is lucky to have a dad that will be there when she needs him, I didn't have that and I don't want to take it away from her. But I know there are cases where moving is the right decision, and this is a decision you have to make on your own. Just make sure to be thinking about it from your child's perspective too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: mom_bettyboop
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:29pm

I'm not 100% sure. You definitely should check out things with an attorney. Some will talk for free..... ask around, maybe someone can refer you. Sometimes areas have a free service called neighborhood legal services or something like that... look around on the net. Maybe you can find something in your area.


Good luck and please keep us posted.


Hugs,


Angelena



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