confused by a separated man's behavior
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| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 10:03am |
Hi,
I wasn't sure which board to go to with this issue but since many of you have been through the ups and downs of separation and divorce, I thought I would ask for your insight. I need some clarity with the behavior of a separated man I just recently met. I am a single 40 year old woman who was recently introduced to a 43 year old man through a friend at a community event and we ended up talking the entire evening and really hit it off. He told me that he is separated and his wife asked for a divorce after over 10 years of marriage. He mentioned that he loves married life and wants to be married again someday. I asked him a few questions about his situation since my brother is going through the same thing and both had their wives leave them and he seemed to be very open and willing to talk about it. Earlier that same evening that I met him, I had settled on my new house and told him that I was moving in the next day and couldn't make it a late night. It was also my birthday. We soon discovered that we live a few blocks from each other and had tons to talk about. It was obvious that neither wanted the evening to end. Later that night, he became affectionate - holding my hand, etc. and although I liked it, I kept my distance because I don't date separated men! I thought he was a sincere person and there was mutual attraction and lots of common interests, so I was a bit taken by him but after that night, I put him out of my mind because being separated only for a few months is a big red flag to me and I thought I wouldn't see him again. However, the next morning when I was moving into my house, he appeared at my door - he was walking his dog and saw my moving truck. He just stopped in to welcome me to the neighborhood. I was very surprised. Then, later that day when I was out, he left a six pack of beer at my door which I thought was a nice gesture since we had talked about liking a certain type of imported beer the previous night.
Later that week, I called to thank him and casually told him to stop by for a beer over the weekend but he was going out of town for Memorial Day weekend. About a week later, he sent me a text message that he wanted to get together for that beer and a few days later we met at the neighborhood pub for a quick dinner at which time, he told me that he saw me on Match.com and said that this dating stuff is all new to him. He said that although he is going through a transition, he thought we have a lot of common interests and mentioned that he would like to "see" me. I didn't really understand what he meant by "see" me and didn't answer yes or no but did find myself saying yes when he asked me out for the next evening. I really had begun to like this guy and the way he treated me. I find him to be very sincere but I have gone against my better judgment to get involved with someone who is recently separated and since he has a child, I didn't think it was a good idea to involve myself with his life right now but found myself accepting a date.
The next day that we were supposed to go out, he called and left a message saying that he "hated to do this but needed to cancel because something came up." He went on to say that he was "so sorry and I really had a great time talking to you and really like you a lot but I just can't make it tonight night, something came up." I called him back and left a message saying "don't worry about it, things come up - we'll do it another time. You have a lot on you right now." That was almost 2 weeks ago. Then, last week, I sent him a text to say that I hope all is well and he sent one back saying that "things could be better" and that he is having problems with his real estate agency in selling his house. He asked how I was doing but said nothing more and now I feel somewhat stupid to have gotten in touch with him against my better judgement to pursue a man going through a divorce. However, after the connection I felt to him when we met and again the next time I saw him, I felt compelled to follow through on my feelings. Now I can't get this guy out of my mind! I think he was being completely honest when he said that "something came up" and that he was having problems with the real estate agency because today when I drove by his house (he lives down the street), I noticed that the For Sale sign has been removed from his property. Who knows what happened, maybe he decided not to sell or get back with his wife but now I want to forget I ever met him because he seems to be dealing with other things. Is it better to walk away and forget about ever meeting him, even if he tries to contact me in the future? I'm confused!! Thanks for your feedback!

Thanks for your reply. Unfortuntaley at my age, there aren't tons of available men out there like you think there are. Trust me, I've been looking for a very long time!
regards,
Jen
I would not be that pessimistic...
My piece of advice is not to wait by the phone. He surely is going through his own rough patch - and you definitely want to stay away.... but should he come around and call on you, I think he has made clear that he is interested and willing, and I think I would see him very happily.
Now, just to come back on your last message: you are in your prime age, babe. Don't sell yourself short! a 20 yrs old may get more followers, but most only want - ahem - one thing... Let's be glad we are where we are, and not back then!!!! I wish I had the body I had then - with the brain I have now... but short of this, I prefer to be ME than a younger and sillier self. Hopefully there is an insanely handsome man waiting for me just around the corner... ;)