confused, worried, paniced-what to do
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| Wed, 04-13-2005 - 5:41pm |
Hi, I'm thinking about getting a divorce but I'm so confused. I don't know if it's just me and my issues of intolerance. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to ask for one. I don't know how to make it easy on BOTH of us financially and emotionally. In a nutshell, here is the good, bad, ugly, with him.
GOOD
•He gives me my own special days (backrubs out of the blue, dinner, flowers occassionally)
•He really, really, REALLY loves me (but this could be bad as in extreme codependence)
•Tries to work on some things (as in being more patient and understanding when I'm crabby)
•Wants a future (as in does NOT want a divorce)
BAD
•He smokes weed a lot (I hate this. It's embarassing and makes me wonder about his parent potential. Some of my friends dumped us because of it.)
•His best friend is the biggest loser, druggie, alcoholic (we just went a trip together and for 15 days the guy was high/drunk. He's also a loud mouth, racist, biggot, etc. I have NOTHING in common with him. But since he's my husband's best friend, I HAVE TO put up with him).
•He spends money like it's burning a hole in his pocket (not ONCE have I heard 'savings' out of his mouth. Instead it's "buy this, buy that" and gets mad when I tell him that talk makes me nervous)
•Typical marriage pet peeves--is unorganized, a slob causing me double work and stress me out.
•Argument style--bully, manipulative, hypocritical
•wants sex at least once a week. But if it's a "unique" time and we have it twice a week, then he gets more and more whiney and pushy about it
•extreme codependence--he CANNOT be alone and he hangs on me constantly. I can NEVER get a moment's peace or alone time. If he's on the computer, I let him be. As soon as I get on it, he's in the same room whining to get off. (again hypocritical)
UGLY
•found emails to escorts asking if they take couples. He INSISTS I'm 'bi' all because I said I was curious but would NEVER actually do anything about it. He thinks I will actually participate if encouraged/pushed. It's getting beyond annoying and makes my stomach turn now. I know he also is chatting with people. Is he physically cheating? Not 100% sure what is going on anymore. But my god if he thought I was cheating in any way--watch out--3 days of top of the lung screaming all because someone sent an email lying that I did--I NEVER thought about it or tried it. EVER!
•when he goes off the deep end, he screams IN my face and punched a hole in the door
•I'm (we) are getting deeper and deeper into debt
•his reaction if I tell him I am serious about the divorce--sometimes I think he will get violent.
Now my worry is that if I get serious and take action, he will be extremely difficult, drag it out, get vindictive, and cost both of us a LOT of money. Neither of us have that much and I am scared and quite mad that it looks like I lose the house and gain more debt. I put the down payment down before we were married but of course, having a chauvenistic pig lawyer resulted in my husband's name on the document too. After refinancing after marriage, the house is only in my name. All bank accounts are separate. However, a $30K HELOC is in my name only. However, only $5K of that went towards MY credit cards--the rest to him.
I was for our entire relationship until this month, made the most money and spent the most. Now that he has his own business, he is making a decent buck (but you would never know--he doesn't keep accurate books).
How the heck am I going to get this ball rolling and make this process easy for the both of us? I personally want to split things fairly--debt and finances--and wish each other well. We don't see eye to eye, I'm very unhappy when I think about the long term as well as the existing (I dread the next vacation with that loser friend). And I'm thinking about our future children. It just doesn't look good all the way around.
Any ideas on what to do and what the general outcome might be?
PS. How does one choose a lawyer? Even if it means just to start for a 1st time assessment meeting?

Hello & Welcome.... first off, if you haven't checked out our board website, please do.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
You wonder about his parent potential? With all that's listed in the bad and the ugly, this man should never under any cirumstances be a father (maybe if he undergoes years of counseling, then only maybe). Having a child with him would be a monstrous disaster IMHO.
If you call your local bar association, they can give you a name of an attorney. If you know anyone who is divorced, ask for a referral. One thing I did when talking to potential attorney's was tell them I was committed to having an amicable divorce. The attorney's who had no experience with amicable divorces made it clear that I had an unrealistic expectation, and I did not hire them (attorney's have the ability to make an otherwise amicable divorce into an adversarial one, and if they do that, they get paid more, so I was only interested in one's who felt amicable is possible).
If you work with an attorney to come up with a reasonable and fair settlement, and he gets an attorney, his attorney will tell him it's reasonable and fair and to take it. If he wants to fight and drag it out, he can, but you will eventually be able to divorce him no matter what he does. From the sounds of it, even an expensive divorce would leave you in a better financial situation than staying married to him.