considering divorce after 24yrs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
considering divorce after 24yrs
5
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:10pm

I want to divorce my spouse after 24 yrs. I know this sounds crazy but I don't want to be married anymore. I want to live free and single, and alone. THERE I SAID IT OUT LOUD. But, I'm afraid of the consequences of divorce. I'm worried about how this will affect my son (14)and our relationship especially since I want him to stay with his dad. I don't want him to hate me for leaving him and his dad. I love my son, he's the main reason why I've stayed in the marriage. I will always be there for my son emotionally and financially and hope to remain an important part of his life. I care for my husband very deeply and I believe I still love him. I've had this overwhelming feeling off and on for years to be free from the trappings of marriage. I am not having an affair, no lovers, not seeking a new spouse, no domestic violence issues. I actually have a good man and he's great father. I just feel that I have outgrown him and our marriage. I just want to move on with my life, a new one as a single woman.

An awful mother and wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:29pm
I am sorry that you are experiencing all these conflicting feelings. It must be very hard. My husband left me and my 9 month old many months ago for a similar reason. His was done much unhealthier however. Your feeligns are your feelings and I won't try to talk you out of them. But you have a son. I know you said you feel like you love your husband but you've outgrown the marriage. What about your son? Do you really want to walk out the door at such a crucial time in his life? I am not an expert but I am married to a man who is going through what sounds like you are going through. For him, it has very little to do with me and our son and very much to do with him. Before you make a drastic decision, I think you might want to look at what it going on with you that has made you feel so dissatisfied. Have you lost yourself in your marriage? Have you let go of dreams or goals? What can you have alone that you can't married, besides no resposibility to others? I don't want to sound harsh, I really commend you for seeking advice and not just walking. There are solutions other then divorce. Give your spouse a chance to work with you. I think you should go to counsleing and try to uncover what it is that is bringing up these feelings for you. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 11:19pm

HI,

I'm leaving my H of almost 21 years. Our kids are 17, 18 and 20. He is not a terrible guy... however, I believe that I started to become very distant about 13 - 14 yrs ago. I think (unconsiously) I stayed in my M because of the kids and because I didn't trust what my H would do to try to keep the kids away from me. I live across the country from any of my family, and at the time, I didn't have time, money or the confidence to have many friends. (sounds silly maybe, but true) He has always been very controling and manipulating... he does it so well, that he believes his own BS. I do not trust him with my heart and emotions ... anyway... I took the emotion out of the equation slowly - and with that aside, we have lived or co-existed for all these years.

Long story short... Last Sept. I told my H I wanted to separate..... I realized that I don't need to stay with him anymore... gained my confidence back and found that I need to live for real... even if that means to be alone... I don't want to live in a M unhappily. It took me a few years to realize that stuff.

We decided to try to work things out and work on the "things" that needed work... We did give it a chance... but the fact remains that I do not love him the way I want to love my partner. between talking - a very good therapist and time... still to this end.

Why did I respond to your post? - Because this was the hardest decision I've ever made!! as sure as I am, it hurts more than anything to know that my decision is why my kids are dealing with this confusion and hurt. My kids are older than yours - I don't think there is ever a good time to leave - but really give it thought. I am trying so hard to keep everything as normal, for my kids, as possible. My oldest has been planning on getting an apt. with his friends anyway... my 18 yr old son will move with Dad.. and my 17 yr old daughter will move with me. WE have decided to sell the house and split the money evenly after we pay the bills that we agreed on. The questions from my kids are amazingly sad, angry and confusing. Yet on the surface they seem fine. I am doing my level best to answer honestly but not to the point that it is not right for the kids to know... or understand... somethings they just won't and shouldn't know or understand.

Look into the legalities in your state of leaving without an agreement signed by both of you... do the research - and ask questions.

Don't forget the friends you have together... That is also very painful and scary... will they be my friends still - even though we aren't a couple? so far (2 weeks after the announcement - we all are.. but it is hard on them as well.) Will the kids look at your friends who support you differntly - who will they blame...

I know in the grand sceme of things... what really matters is what you know and feel to be true. however these other things are to be considered - because - if you haven't considered them, the hurt may surprise you and make you not know what to say or do with yourself at times.

If you do decide to leave (as I have and am confident that I have done the right thing) - you will be fine... just always consider the kids first and foremost in what you do and say.

One of our mutual friends asked me - are you happy with your new "freedom" (first off we are still living together until the house sells) and I responded:

"That is a tough question - Happy? I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I do believe it is the right decision for us. It has been the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life. but I will be happy in time." He accepted that answer....

You seem very detached... (I'm not critisizing.. I am detached from my H too) anyway... even being detached we care... I too "love" my H. Just not the way I need to. I love him bcause I've been a part of his life for so long, how could I not care... but love like real love - I dont have that. even without that love and with the detachment - you find doubt and guilt - it is very confusing, scary and painful.

I could go on and on, but I have to get some sleep... its my turn on the couch tonight.

Good luck and take care. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more privately.
S

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:14pm

I don't mean to sound ugly. I promise. But I don't understand why you don't want your son to live with you. This is going to have a long lasting effect on him no matter where he lives but it sounds like you aren't just leaving your husband, you're leaving your son, too. Am I missing something? Is there a reason why he would be better off with your husband? Like you travel a lot for work or work at odd times during the day? I'm just trying to understand your situation.

I understand needing time to yourself and if I try, I guess I can understand wanting to be single again. I know that some people just grow out of their marriage. But getting divorced isn't going to change that you are a mom. You are still going to have to make time to raise your son. You surely aren't suggesting just walking away from that? I know you said you would be there emotionally and financially but what about physically? Are you planning on him at least living with you part of the time?

Again, I'm not trying to be ugly or unsupportive. I just don't understand your circumstances I guess.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:33pm

You have received some very compassionate responses.

I assume you have been in individual therapy and talked through all your feelings and motivations and the consequences for your son and husband if you move forward.

If not, I certainly hope you do so. You truly owe it to these two people to whom you voluntarily made a serious, life-long commitment.

You are an adult. You should be making the sacrifices to ensure your son has a stable, healthy, secure childhood and adolescence. That is your obligation.

If upon much reflection and discussion with your spouse you feel the whole family would be healthier if you divorce then it might be a wise decision.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 5:13am

I can only imagine the soul-searching that you must have gone through to come to such a brutally honest assessment.

I, too, am sick of the domestic slavery known as marriage. I cannot wait until I have ME back. I feel like I have been living as a fake for the last 21 years trying to be the perfect mom and wife. I am SO tired of being on the back burner but am trying to hang on these last few years until my youngest is grown. I just hope I don't turn into a bitter, resentful old hag in the process. I think you can only fake it for so long. I just haven't reached the point of no return yet.

God has blessed you a sense of clarity so that you understand your true motivations for wanting a divorce. There is no need to sugarcoat your reasons, but people will judge you for the choices you make. You don't need to offer explanations beyond you feel it will be best for him. I am curious, though, in how you will explain this to your son. I know in my case, if I should bail prematurely, that I have a plausible explanation: I work nights and its not good for teenage girls to be alone in the middle of the night. It would devastate me not to be there with them whenever I can. I love them, but I don't love being a mom, if that makes sense.

You are not a bad mom or a bad wife. Motherhood and marriage are a calling. Just like the ministry, the military or any other service oriented occupation. Motherhood and marriage are both work, and darn hard work. There is nothing else that asks the same level of sacrifice and we are not always justly rewarded in return. My son is an @$$, but my daughters are awesome. I still don't understand why they turned out so differently.

Best of luck to you and keep us posted on your situation.