Considering divorce.. questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Considering divorce.. questions
7
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 9:50pm

Sorry, I know this will be long.

I'm considering leaving my husband of only 5.5 years. We have two beautiful little girls, 4 and almost 2 years.

A little background info: We moved to the town we live in now 4 years ago so my husband could begin a position at a university here as a professor. I'm a stay-at-home mom to our two girls. Early this year he came home and told me they were letting him go and we had a year to find a new job. He was surprised, hurt, embarrassed and worried. He decided to take a second job temporarily to pay off some of a large amount of debt he had from before we were married. He ended up finding a job delivering newspapers part-time for decent money. He works every night from about midnight to about 3 am.

The other morning my youngest was playing with my husband's cell phone, as she always does, and as she walked by me I took it from her. It was dialing a woman's phone number. I canceled the call, but recognized the name as a woman he works with at his second job. Wondering why he would have her number programmed into his cell phone I checked the call log. It turns out he has called this woman about 20 times (over 7 days) in the last month. Many calls were just a few seconds long - I'm assuming leaving a message. But about 7 of the calls were anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes long. One night he called, they talked for half an hour, hung up and called again for another half hour. I was shocked.

So I asked him about it and he said they only talk about business, nothing else, while he delivers papers. But I also noticed that one call was on a Saturday afternoon while he was home and I was in the shower. He texted her the number "5" and then called her at 5:00, lasting only seconds. Then again at 5:04, again lasting only seconds.

I also noticed that he bought new underwear. Nothing that alarming, except that my husband, who always wears blue, black, grey or white boxers suddenly bought burgundy, aqua, and other exotic colors. And he also has started wearing lip balm before he goes to work.

I am pissed. We haven't talked since I asked him about it. I didn't ask him about the call from home yet, which kind of kills the "just business while I deliver papers" excuse.

The thing is, this is the third time in 9 years that I've stumbled across evidence of him talking to another woman. But the thing is, the other two times (before we were married) I was sure he was cheating until I found evidence to the contrary. The first woman moved out of town and I found an email from her in his account. From the tone of the email I could tell there was nothing between them, and he never answered her email. The other woman, same thing. (I had his password without him knowing for a few years. Yes, bad I know, but I was suspicious back then).

So my thing is, I don't know if he's cheating or not. But I do know that my husband and I have had trouble building an emotional relationship over the years. I think my husband can only open up emotionally to people he's not in a committed relationship with.

I am tired of trying to figure out if my husband loves me. If he's cheating on me. His attitude is, "I'm not. End of story".

Part of me wants a divorce. I doubt my husband and I will ever have the close emotional relationship I crave. I am pissed off that he's driving around at night talking to some other woman. And he doesn't seem to care that it bothers me.

But another part of me doesn't want to go through a divorce and have to do CUSTODY with my girls. I hate the idea of sending them off to live with their Dad part time, or, God forbid, half time. I don't want to spend even a day without them.

And I don't know many people here where we live. I have no family here. We were planning to move closer to my family next year.

My question, what should I do? Should I wait until after we've moved and are closer to my home? Should I just begin divorce proceedings now? I haven't even talked to him since I asked about this woman, and I can't continue to live like this. I'm not giving him the "silent treatment" or anything - I just don't know what to say to him. I'm so hurt.

If I do decide on divorce, can he be forced to pay for my lawyer since I'm a stay-at-home mom?

Any advice at all in response to my jumbled mess would be appreciated.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 10:36pm

What is your gut telling you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 7:37am

Solana,


I'd caution you about making life-changing decisions in anger.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 8:04am

Hello


I first want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I checked my husband's cell phone about 3 weeks ago. He to was doing things like exercising, buying his own toiletries, walking at night with his cell phone. and never home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 6:46pm

You're not alone. Do this though - as suggested above, go to marriage counseling! You may find things you don't want, or maybe not. Do you want to give it a shot, though?

My wife decided a couple of months ago that she was done with me, and pretty much refused counseling, etc. It was very sudden for me, and after that, I pretty much had no say in the matter.

I can't speak for what or why he's talking to someone else, other than he's lost his job and means of supporting his family. To me, that is a hard thing to deal with. That doesn't explain or excuse any actions he's taken against the marriage, but at least give it a chance. The first two times were not the case, so at least give it a chance and get to counseling. That way at least you can say you tried.

- N

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 9:53pm

Thank you everyone that responded! I feel much better tonight. Yesterday, my husband and I set the girls up with a video and talked. And then last night we drove by his job to meet this woman he's been talking to - his suggestion. She's a much older, very sweet, very motherly type. Kind of like the mom to everyone who works there. I *know* he's not cheating. And then today we had a very long talk. I told him that I wanted to go to counseling for myself, and he said that he'd like us to go as a couple. We definitely had a good talk, and the last thing he did was to pull his chair right up to mine and take my hands in his, look me in the eyes and say, "Listen, I don't want to lose you. Don't you understand that I would never cheat on you?" Well, that was nice to hear. But he agreed that we have "boundary" issues when it comes to dealing with people of the opposite sex. He grudgingly admitted that he would not be happy if he found 20 phone calls to a man on my cell phone (even if I wasn't cheating). So I would like to work these issues out before they do break us up. But for now, divorce is definitely off the table!

Thanks so much to all of you who responded. And sorry to those of you who are also having problems in your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 1:45pm

solanasmama - I'm glad you talked to your husband and are in the stages of working things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 7:30pm
I had my head in the sand for years and didn't realize that some of the little things had become big things in his mind. He may not be having a physical affair but it sounds like it has turned into an emotional affair, just as deadly. It also sounds like he is not getting the affection he "feels" he should be getting from you - unfair because its hard to give and have the new romance feelings forever. I would suggest working on it thru a marriage councilor or church as well and see if you can salvage it. Lots of people are much better off after something like this happens if they can open up and communicate (don't smother him at the same time either) and actually have that closeness that we crave.