Contemplating Divorce
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 02-17-2007 - 8:38pm |
HI,
After 12 years of marriage, I am seriously contemplating divorce from my Dh. He is distant, condesending, and cold with explosive anger. We don't have a relationship anymore. I think that I have been an enabler and have had "doormat" stamped on my forehead for too many years. He has always told me that *I* am the one with problems, and I believed it. I always said "sorry" when really I had done nothing wrong. I always supported his business ventures which has led to some financial disasters. I believed him when he would say "Oh, sign this, you don't have to read it." I sat in bewilderment as he allowed his teenaged stepson to abuse me-- verbally and physically. I have for years allowed him to bully me into doing whatever he has wanted.
He is never home spending more time "at work" and with his 23 yo Ds than with me. I feel alone in this marriage and am getting to the point where I think I am more terrified of being alone in this marriage than being alone. I fantasize about living alone with cats (he's allergic). We have no children, so that isn't an issue. I am in therapy, so I have someone to discuss this with. I think my next step is to find a lawyer. We do have 4 properties that we own together and he owns one that was bought during our marriage. I have a job I love, and could support myself, but not in this house. I cannot afford to pay even 1/2 the mortgage on the home we live in, let alone on the other properties. I think we would have to sell everything and split the proceeds. I am afraid of what I would have to pay out in the interim. I don't want to let financial issues be what keeps me in this marriage. Life is too short!
Thanks for reading. Reading through these posts has helped me a lot.

Pages
Hi Toreen,
Yes, you do need to speak with an experienced divorce attorney. You need to know your rights and obligations in a divorce.
I'm glad your in therapy. Have you contacted a local domestic violence shelter for help? You will find a lot of good information from these folks as it sounds like you are a victim of domestic abuse.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hi there~
I do think that scheduling a consultation with an attorney will help to answer many of your questions.
The thing that I loved the most about reading your post is.... I felt like you are in a place, emotionally, where I was when I knew it was time for a change.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Toreen,
You're doing the right thing. You need to get out and fast! Don't tell your spouse what you're doing though. That could work against you. What concerns me is that you have signed things and do not know what they were. For all you know, he may have slipped you a post-nuptual agreement in there somewhere, leaving you powerless to get any of the marital assets.
Make sure your attorney is a good one and *be sure* to tell him/her about your signing things without reading them. It's possible you can claim the signatures were signed under duress...
Good luck,
LisaColette
Hi Toreen,
I know how you feel. I can't believe your H let his stepson get away with treating you that way. That is wrong and it is a poor message for a father to send to his son.
I'm now 51 y/o and have been married for 24 yrs. I'm getting to the point where I don't think I can tolerate his behavior any more... which is much like your H's. He puts me down, sits around like he's the king of the house, gets very moody and starts slamming things around, sleeps on the couch every night (which I actually don't mind) and gives me the silent treatment for days on end for unknown reasons. I'm afraid of him. I've been a good wife and contribute way more to the household than he ever did. I don't know where to begin or how to do it. I guess I'll call a lawyer and see where I should start. We have property and a house (that's almost paid for) and my beloved pets. I can't afford to go live somewhere and I don't want my credit going down the drain. Yet, I can't imaging staying in the same house with him if I do decide to end it. Luckily, I work and make pretty good money.
Just try to keep in mind that nobody deserves this kind of treatment. I think we've both been way too nice ... doormats, as you put it. I don't want to disrupt my entire life but it looks like major changes are in store for me. We both have to get a spine.
How are things going with you now?
Take good care,
NSP
Reading your post, I feel a real kinship with you. This is exactly how my husband of 9 years treated me. He cheated and that woke me up to what I'd been tolerating for so long and how I'd been brainwashed.
I agree with the poster who advised silence, don't say a word to him. See a lawyer, and photocopy or take everything you will need. Titles to the land, house and your vehicle, birth certs,your passport, marriage cert, tax records, 401k balances, all bank accounts and investments. Move money to a separate account and get ready to separate your credit cards. Be ready to freeze things like investment and retirement accounts. Get totally ready, have your lawyer ready to spring into action THEN talk to your husband about counciling because, you have hit the wall in this marriage. If he turns on you then, you are ready to come out swinging yourself. You will be SO empowered. If you are really worried, pack a few things and stick them in the back of the closet, maybe even put them in the trunk beore the talk and dial 911 on your phone so, all you have to do is hit send. Also, start reading everything you can, become an expert.
Some other 'preparation' items:
Find an attorney and get a consultation.
Get a PO box and start forwarding your mail.
Get a credit card in your own name now, so that you have an emergency money source just in case.
When he is out of the house, start searching for paperwork and making copies.
Find a safe place to store paperwork and any other personal items that you want to keep (a friend that is not friends with your spouse or a storage unit in your name only.)
good luck, and stay in touch.
M.
I didn't mean to run up a huge credit card balance, just that she should have a card in just her own name. She will need one eventually if she uses credit at all.
Her spouse could cancel all the joint cards and then she would be stuck if she has no cash.
M.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Pages