Contemplating Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Contemplating Divorce
14
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 8:38pm

HI,

After 12 years of marriage, I am seriously contemplating divorce from my Dh. He is distant, condesending, and cold with explosive anger. We don't have a relationship anymore. I think that I have been an enabler and have had "doormat" stamped on my forehead for too many years. He has always told me that *I* am the one with problems, and I believed it. I always said "sorry" when really I had done nothing wrong. I always supported his business ventures which has led to some financial disasters. I believed him when he would say "Oh, sign this, you don't have to read it." I sat in bewilderment as he allowed his teenaged stepson to abuse me-- verbally and physically. I have for years allowed him to bully me into doing whatever he has wanted.

He is never home spending more time "at work" and with his 23 yo Ds than with me. I feel alone in this marriage and am getting to the point where I think I am more terrified of being alone in this marriage than being alone. I fantasize about living alone with cats (he's allergic). We have no children, so that isn't an issue. I am in therapy, so I have someone to discuss this with. I think my next step is to find a lawyer. We do have 4 properties that we own together and he owns one that was bought during our marriage. I have a job I love, and could support myself, but not in this house. I cannot afford to pay even 1/2 the mortgage on the home we live in, let alone on the other properties. I think we would have to sell everything and split the proceeds. I am afraid of what I would have to pay out in the interim. I don't want to let financial issues be what keeps me in this marriage. Life is too short!

Thanks for reading. Reading through these posts has helped me a lot.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:11am
So, I was reading your post and something hit me. I have realized that my wife no longer wants to be with me. I have been going to couciling to try to get my life stright and try to make my marriage work but after reading the post on here, It has made me realize that she is already gone and wants nothing to do with me. I know that I have made mistakes in the past and that I can not make those right anymore. I was willing to change and step-up and be the man that she needed me to be. But, now after knowing that she has visited this board and a couple of others she is already gone. I was doing everything that I could to try to make things work out because I wanted to really make our marriage to last. But, seeing on here that it's just too late I am throwing in the towel and giving her what she wants, which isn't me. I am truly heart broken over the whole thing. I do love her, but I know she is not happy with me. Maybe its time that I face the truth and let her go. I miss her more then anything, but I guess the feelings are not the same. So I just wanted to say Thank You, for opening my eyes. And I pray that she will be happy without me in her life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:25am

Hey there...


I know that I didn't come to the realization that my marriage wasn't working out the way that I wanted it to on a whim... it took lots of heartache to try to make things work, then realize they weren't going to.


We try to "change" ourselves to meet the other person's needs and wants, but once I realized that my husband and I were both leading the lives of the people that we wanted to be... and that just didn't work "together" any more, it was a little easier to relinquish what was left and let go.


No, it wasn't easy.... but I also realized that if I "changed"... or if I agreed to let him change.... we'd only end up resenting each other down the road.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:43pm
i went threw the same stuff, i tried so hard to make things work, but like you said , your always the last one to find out basically, im sure you knew there was a problem but i was the last one to find out how she really felt, one of my biggest problems when i was trying to make things work , i tried to hard and really aggrivated her, i was hanging all over her and diong things that i hadent done in years and i found myself being laughed at by her, in most cases i hear about and see the most, its the women who get like this, they say thy have changed but they havent, what they are saying is they want a change and i see this more often too as a few years go by they realize the change they were looking for dont exist, what women want is a 100% attention all the time, i say goodluck to them and welcome to the new problems in the future , by the time they realize this its way to darn late to reunite, hang in there buddy, from reading what she was saying its not over yet, if your trying to hard just lay off alittle and let her know your doing it so she realizes you havent givin up and you want her to have her space while she regroups, thaTS where i messed up, i wish you the best of luck cause after 13 years of our relationship we have been divorced 2 years and it still kills me inside, your not alone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2011
Wed, 04-27-2011 - 10:24pm

Hi Toreen, I'm kind of in the same place as you.

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