Contemplating divorce (again)
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:44pm |
How do you sum up almost 12 years of living together, 8+ years of marriage? I'll do my best. BTW, what is STBX?
12 years ago, without even dating, my DH moved in with me. After 3 1/2 years and really only because I wanted to, we got married. He was just happy that we were together and not about the formality, etc. At that point, we had already owned a house for over a year. Things have ALWAYS been rocky. We weren't one of those happy 'til marriage couples, I guess because we always lived together as married anyhow.
For many years DH was a pothead and band member. I was pretty much the opposite. He never even graduated high school. I went to college but never finished. Fast forward 12 years. DH is now an IT consultant. Every job he's ever had, except this last one, has been because 1) he knew someone or 2) I helped him get it, including writing his resume, etc. He makes about $1000-$1500/month doing this part time but there are no guarantees since he's self-employed. He also helps his friend repairing garage doors.
I'm a software consultant. I make almost $70K plus bonuses and commission. I have always made more money than he and that's because I've worked hard at it and have become successful. Yes, I've had a couple of layoffs also, but have gotten right back into another job each time. My DH on the other hand has barely even bothered to look for work each time he's on unemployment. I've supported us for years, either fully or partially. Obviously this is a sore subject.
Before we got married, I thought I could overlook a lot of the problems I had with him. We still had/have our good moments, but they are few and far between. He has no patience with me or our dd (5) and is basically just angry at the world, somewhat bigoted, and extremely cynical. He also does almost nothing around the house. I am not a great housekeeper either, but even that considered I still do more around here. I could ask "nag" him a million times to do something, but he's told me more than once he'll do it on "his schedule." This same mentality applies to things with our daughter, like helping her with homework. Don't get me wrong, I'm about as far away from a Type A personality as can be, but he's about a Type Z.
To make matters worse, almost 6 years ago I had a short-lived affair. I told myself that the only way I could get away was with someone else. I convinced myself that I was separating, I guess to make my conscience feel better about doing this. I am the type of person that would have never even considered this (pretty goody- two -shoes up to that point in life). It wasn't a secret affair, it was wide open. I slept with the guy once and was falling in love with him. All this time my husband was begging me to take him back. The guy who refused to see how bad things were, who flat out refused to go to marital counsling. Well, I came back into my marriage horribly, saying I wanted to try to be a wife again. I know all of this was wrong, I knew it even then. But it seemed like the only way to get away. I had never even really lived on my own, and I also had never even really had a boyfriend prior to DH.
Our daughter was born late that year (yes, she's DH's, he made me prove it). She is my joy and the light of my life, even when she's being a little pain! She is definitely a mommy's girl. DH, like I said, has very little patience with her and is more about giving orders than anything.
So here's where we're at now. Both of us have matured. I wouldn't even consider an affair now for a number of reasons. Mostly, I think I can do this on my own. Sometimes, I just want to give myself a chance to live alone, with my daughter of course. I want to live a while with expectations for only myself. I don't want to have to count of DH to do X or Y, and then getting down when it doesn't happen. I want to be able to have my own house with DD, maybe even buy one.
My concerns are:
1. I travel a lot regionally with my job, although some months I don't travel at all. It seems to go in waves. I don't know how to handle this if/when we divorce.
2. DH may got into a serious custody battle for DD, but he basically has no reliable income, so would be possible? I don't want to deny her occassion to see him, but she doesn't particularly like him, and I feel like to need to be her home for now.
3. Lease ends on our house at the end of July. I don't know that I can save up enough to put down a deposit on another house. I also don't see that I could buy one.
4. DD starts 1st grade in August. I'd like to have this figured out, at least partially by then. The timeframe for all of this is boggling my mind.
5. Do we give marital counseling a try? I seriously feel like we're beyond hope. But last time I thought that, I came back. I'm scared to death of making the wrong decision again. I just can't seem to let him go. I think of us being apart and I immediatly start crying. Yet, I'm miserable with him. This is the worst part. I am scared of making the wrong decision and not being able to go back. Isn't 12 years enough to have figured it out?! If we do go to counseling, how long do we try? I can't go through these ups and downs all the time.
Thanks for letting me write this novel.

I would suggest counseling and then depending on how that goes and his personality, tell him what you are thinking and see how he feels. Do you have a place you can stay when the lease goes out if you want a separation at that time? If you are still thinking about things, and they aren't better when the lease runs out, at least try to get a place that does not have a long term lease or one that you can afford on your own if you do separate later. Also, talk with an attorney when you feel you are ready for the separation. I know in my case I can't really talk to my husband about separation or thinking about one because I fear for my daughter's safety.....he has threatened me in the past and I fear that he would take her, so I am waiting for when he wants to separate or divorce. If anything, hang in there and work on saving some money........take care.
Don't walk - RUN to see a lawyer, because you have so much to review.
First of all, if you are not extra careful, yes, he could get custody AND alimony granted to him - he can make it looks like he has been the SAH dad, and you the breadwinner, and even if the marriage is only 8 yrs old (under the 10 years usually granting alimony), the extra years you guys lived together can count. Your affair? it looks it is an old story, that he has forgiven. In most states divorce is not on guilt, so he should not be able to use it... plus it is old... to be relevant it should be something he acts on, but I am not sure.
Prep for your lawyer visit by listing assets, liabilities, collecting pay stubs (his as well, as they demonstrate what he CAN earn, indipendently from what he actually earn). Get all life insurance, bank account, car payments, the whole story, and have a nice chat with a lawyer you trust - note that once you speak with one, he cannot take your husband as a client (even if you talk for only 1/2 hour!!!), so you are safe there.
Once you have the fact, review them, and take an informed decision. It isn't the right time to look into a home to buy, that would make the split only more complex. If you have the extra cash, stash it away so maybe you will buy something next year.
A couple thoughts..
It's really discouraging to hear that he could make himself out to be SAHD. DD has been in school full time for almost 2 years now, but for about a year prior to that he was SAHD during the day and delivered pizza at night. This was because he (again) wouldn't get off his &*( and look for a job. Always some excuse. I hate that I have supported our family financially because of his laziness. If it was a positive choice on both our parts for him to be SAHD, that would be a different story.
My affair was maybe 2 weeks long, I slept with the guy once, and NO my dh has not forgiven me for it at all. In fact, he just brought up the story about a teacher in Kentucky (I think) who was caught in bed with a 13 y.o. boy. The husband caught them in bed and shot the kid. My husband said that that guy did the wrong thing - should have shot his wife first. Although he doesn't directly threaten me like that, should I be scared?? My husband doesn't seem to realize that even though I was wrong to have an affair, no question, that his actions over the previous years had a huge affect on my actions. Obviously an affair does not happen in a happy marriage, especially where the woman has an affair. A woman usually has an affair because of wanting love and attention and connection, whereas a guy may just want to sleep with someone. I know this is stereotypical, but that's how it was with me. I didn't go into it for 1 night of sex. I stupidly thought I would have a relationship with the guy. After all these years, my husband seems to think that he can still treat me like crap to pay me back for what I did.
Also, my husband is not happy either. I'm not the only one that is contemplating this. He's made that clear to me also.
Too many things happening at once. DD starting in public schools. Lease expiring (could renew). Stupidly spent almost $3K of MY insurance settlement money last month on an HDTV and media PC. Now look who might get it? Now look who could have more wisely saved that money for a new house?! I also just started as a student pilot and don't want to drop my training because it will be hard to get back into things. I guess my priorities are really screwed up. I hate this.