Control Freak Looks Like Mr Wonderful
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| Sun, 02-10-2008 - 5:02pm |
I am going through an ugly divorce and it's driving me crazy! In my state it takes a year to get divorced and the clock doesn't start ticking until you are living apart. My problem? Even though my cheating spouse was the one to say he wants a divorce (b/c SHE 'gets' him, but he denies actually sleeping with her) he won't leave! And there's no legal means to kick him out.
So what's so bad? Now he's doing everything to drive me crazy. He's cut me off from most of our finances. He has secret bank accts & credit cards. He's draining our home equity line. He says he can't afford the tuition for our daughter to start attending the same private school our son goes to UNLESS I agree to refinance our house from a 15 yr fixed to a 30 yr fixed (thus draining more equity). He makes 6 figures but I don't see any of it. He says there's no $$ to pay for my daughter's dance lessons, so I got her a partial scholarship & my mom pays the rest. Yet he's taking VACATIONS & running up cell phone bills w/ his GF.
It's all about control. He won't pay for daycare, so it's a challenge to even look for work. I have made a little $ by freelancing & delivering newspapers (the kids can ride along). I'm job hunting but I've been out of the workforce for 8 years.
Now he's stepped it up. He makes weekly menus & only buys the food on his menu but expects me to cook it. He expects me to wash underwear that his GF picked out. Also, he's been spending most of his time out of the house, which is a blessing except that I have the kids 24/7. No $$ for a sitter. I try so hard not to bad mouth him to the children & not snap at them but I'm under so much stress. To the outside world (the church, school, etc), he's mr wonderful. He started volunteering with the school's DADs group after speaking to his lawyer.
Any advice? Some days I just want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to be the victim. I am strong person. I can't believe I was so stupid to trust him & give up my means of supporting myself.

June,
Hi. You need a plan.
1)Start with a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org) or 1-800-799-SAFE.
You are being abused emotionally (withholding money, controlling finances, demanding you "participate" in his affair by washing the underwear purchased by his lover, and isolating you from others) is all under domestic abuse.
The folks at the hotline can help you find local resources so you can make a separation plan. They can point the way to assistance for housing, food, medical care, etc.
2)Get Legal help. You may be eligible for Legal Aid. If the hotline can't direct you to your nearest contact look in the Blue Pages of your phonebook under US Government...legal aid. You should be able to get some initial legal advice on a reduce fee scale.
3)Gather information. Get copies of bank statements, paystubs, tax returns, bills, loans or insurance policies, and any retirement account information you can find, plus your children's birth certificates, social security cards, and your own. Put these in an envelope and put it in a safe place or give it to a friend to hold onto for you.
Make your plan. Where you will go. Who will help you leave. What to pack for you and your children so you can leave the house with a minimum of things.
It may sound horrible but you're being put in a terrible position. He wants you to feel powerless and he's succeeding as long as you remain frozen by fear or simply for lack of preparation.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thanks,
I agree he's emotionally abusive, but I never thought to call the hotline. It's pretty much a non issue in the divorce. I mean, how can you prove emotional abuse? It's just "he said, she said." And he's never done it in front of witnesses, although my family thinks he's harsh to the children.
He's told me I am a drain on the family's resources; I contribute nothing of value. Like giving up a salary of $40k/yr to raise children (at his insistence) is not a sacrifice. Initially he said "pack your sh** and get out." That he would keep the kids because he'd have "no trouble" paying for someone to watch them while he's at work.
I do have a lawyer, who's advice was to sit tight & drag it out as long as I can b/c once the divorce is finalized I lose health insurance. That may be good legal advice, but it's an emotional challenge. And I like my lawyer. She has a rep for being a "pit bull" so I trust her opinion.
Trying to plan for the unknown is the hardest part. That and protecting my children's emotional well being. I'm torn and unmotivated to go back to work. I loved having a career, but I've been used to being a full time mom for 8 years. The technology has changed, job hunting protocol (internet), even business fashion. It's overwhelming. The thought of moving out makes my head spin.
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