Convincing H/W that counseling will NOT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Convincing H/W that counseling will NOT.
13
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:46pm

With H about to get papers at any hour now...he is either going to beg or blow a head gasket, then turn to begging. In our 5 years together I had mentioned going to counseling a few times...back when I gave a &#*!. Even last spring I went on my own and my counselor helped me see alot. He didn't like me talking to her and told me that if I went again my stuff would be out in the road.

My question is I am done. I care but, I have known since we got married that he was not Mr. Right only Mr. Right now, I've had a gut feeling from before hand that this would not work but for the baby inside me I had to try. Now she is 4 and there is NOTHING a counselor will say that could make me just love him as a mate and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Is there anything people are saying now to their spouses or have said in the past that helped them come to realize that this person is just not in love with me anymore and not willing to try? I'd love some input here because I'm gonna need it. I will not listen to him tell me that I'm ruining our girls life b/c that is a guilt trip, in reality why would he/she want to beg you to stay and work on things when its painfully clear that you dont want to be with them any longer? Why not just accept and move on and find someone who loves them?
Thanks,

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:52pm

While my husband refused counselling and is the one who wants the divorce more (so he can be with his OW), I might have some insight to offer from my side. I didn't want to accept that it was over (mostly because for me it came out of the blue). For me it was just that I have never imagined my life without him and I thought we were happy.

My STBX decided it was over and there was no talking about it. I had to come to that realization over time myself. He was consistent and refused to discuss anything - why he wanted out, how long he has felt this way. He just kept saying it was over. After hearing this consistently, I realized that I had to come to terms with this on my own.

you can't control what he thinks or how he reacts. Just be consistent and do what is best for your child. There is nothing you can do to make him accept it, only time will do that.

That is just my opinion. I hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:03pm
Thanks so much. All advice will be greatly appreciated. No ours has been a very rocky M and I've taken lots of verbal abuse, told him 2 years ago I wanted a D but he used what my counselor said was "emotional blackmail & brainwashing" to keep me there. In the end though I've spend 2 more years feeling dead inside. I wish you luck on your journey yayafan and I'm sorry for the pain you've been through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:27pm
I am sorry for your pain as well. Don't give in to his emotional blackmail. You deserve better than that. Your screen name says it all. Build that future for you and your child. This too shall pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:37pm
Smiling.....Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:56pm
Sometimes that is easier said than done. Two years later, I still pray every night that he will come home. I also tell him peroidically that I love him. Have you ever heard the statement "The heart wants what the heart wants"? Well, my heart wants my family back. I doubt I will ever be able to stop wanting that. What would counseling hurt? What if it at least gave you tolerance to stay in your marriage until your child was grown?
Every child deserves a whole family. I hate to see another family torn apart just because one person is done. Why are you totally against trying if he is willing? Obviously there was something in the begining of your relationship that attracted you to your H, give that piece a chance to reignite. I don't think you would ever regret it. I would give anything for my ex to give me a chance. Like you he says he is done. I cannot accept that when I have to watch my children in such pain everyday. If you are willing to give it one last try, and truely try, then you can walk away with no regrets. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for cmckinn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:59pm

Living ....

"Is there anything people are saying now to their spouses or have said in the past that helped them come to realize that this person is just not in love with me anymore and not willing to try?" I don't have an answer to you, other than that I agree with yayafan. I don't think there's anything you can do to change their mind or way of thinking. I told my husband over 14 months ago that I want a divorce, I filed soon after, and he has dragged his feet ever since. The story is so common here. I have read countless times on this board how the woman asked for the divorce and overnight the husband decides to help out around the house, tell her how beautiful and amazing she is, suggest counseling, etc. When really all along, he should have been doing all of that and never did! I read somewhere this past year that it takes about 6 months for the person who doesn't want the divorce to come around to acceptance. I can tell you from experience that is not true, but it might be close. After about 8 or 9 months, I started seeing signs of acceptance, however he is still dragging his feet! I have said everything I can think of to him to get him to realize it's over and there's no turning back. I have given him all of my reasons for divorce over and over, I have told him repeatedly I don't love him, I have been rude and demanded he get out. I don't know what else to do. Just know you can come here for support and try to be strong.

"why would he/she want to beg you to stay and work on things when its painfully clear that you dont want to be with them any longer? Why not just accept and move on and find someone who loves them?" This seems so obvious, but I guess it's not. When I ask my STBX this question, he just says "I know I have to get over it and I think I can, I just don't know how I'm going to do it". I don't get it.

Like I said before, stay strong!!

Hugs,
Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 2:32pm
Yes I think it's amazing how once I started counseling and he said no more or your Crap will be out in the road, once he saw that I wasn't scared of his threats anymore he tried to change. He his a video game freak. I bust my butt at work 40-50 hrs a week, then come home and do everything and have elderly family I look in after everyday. I counted 1 time 40 hours on his video game on a 3 day weekend.
Now I'm beautiful and he looks up to me soooo much and yada yada but for all these years I was compared to White trailer trash. When I spent 500 dollars on a ring out of my inheritance to have something to hold onto from my dad....the next fight was I must have been Screwing him. OMG! So there's alot of rage built up here on my end and I'm not willing to have any passion or love that lasts a lifetime feelings for a man who had no problems for so many years treating me the way he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:57pm

Me and my stbx went to counseling and for a little while it felt like it might work but it did not last long. As soon as we stopped everything went right back. My stbx also wants to try again after leaving me. Now I am ready to move on and he does not want to let go. Oh well I think if they dont want to believe it is really over they wont. I am ready for the drama to be over and life to go back to as normal as possible.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 3:53am
I would accept his invitation to go to counseling. Not to offer him a chance to get back together, although I wouldn't tell him that beforehand. I would do it to offer him a place to say what he needs to say, to say what you need to say, and to listen to one another. It *may* put the relationship in a place where it will be easier to co-parent with him for the next 14 years. At the very least, you will both have said what you needed to say. Counseling doesn't have to be to put the marriage back together. It can be a means of how to take it apart in the healthiest way possible for the child's sake.









Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

-shing xiong

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:36am

I think this is a very good idea. Gives both a safe place to vent some very strong emotions.

M

Pages