coping with divorce and infertility
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:22am |
I will try to keep this short and to the point, but I need UNBIASED advice:
I left my husband of 8 years (together for 10) in December. It feels like I am the only one to be in this sort of situation but I know that there must be others.
When my husband and I got married, he said he really didn't care whether we had any kids or not, but since I wanted at least one, we could try.
I have endometriosis and knew there might be fertility problems, and of course there were.
I was 31 when we got married and had my first m/c at age 33.
After that I couldn't seem to get pregnant, so we went through all the usual routes of doctors and did in-vitro 3 times.
We spent over $30,000 on this, and although it was a lot of money, it wasn't all at once, and we are not rich but we could afford it.
I had to beg my husband each time we did it though...he grumbled about it each time.
I got pregnant once with in-vitro and had another m/c, and the two other times were not succesful.
Then, after we had all but given up, I got pregnant "the old fashioned way", only to lose that one, too. I had a total of three lost pregnacies.
My husband was a complete jerk when I got pregnant the last time. He made it clear he was not happy when I got pregnant, and was not supportive at all when I lost it.
After that, my doctors said we should keep trying and do it soon. They said that my chances of ultimate success were very good, so I wanted to try again right away.
Of course he was dead set against it and said no.
The more he said no, the more I pulled away from him until we were living like roommates and I was sleeping down the hall. We went like this, drifting further apart for about two years.
I kept begging to try again, and pleaded and cried and then begged some more. He said he felt we were getting too old to think about it anymore, and he was done with the whole thing. I can't tell you how many time I begged and cried to him about this but he was so stubborn and would never give in.
We are now 41 and (he can retire at age 50),says that he doesn't want that sort of responsibilty in his retirement. He works at a prison (he is like a parole agent but in the prison), and his work is very stressful. He dreams only of the day he can retire and be stress free. (I have always worked full time too.)
We kept drifting further apart and then I contacted a former boyfriend who is a lawyer about divorce.
We started talking on the phone nearly every day, (he is a single dad) and grew closer and closer until it was very nearly an affair in every way.
He advised me to check on our finances, and when I went looking in my husband's home office to look at our bank accounts I found that he had hidden almost $100,000 from me, had been trying to have an affair with a younger friend of ours (28) who looks like a Barbie doll, and had even had a vasectomy and hidden it from me only months earlier.
I was furious and hired a lawyer (not the boyfriend), called a mover and moved out and filed for divorce. It was awful. He cried, and tried to stop me but I was so angry I wouldn't listen.
He said he was sorry about the other woman (nothing happned..they both backed away), he was only hiding the money so I wouldn't try to use it for in-vitro again, and had the vasectomy because he thought our marraige was over anyways.(I had threatened divorce for the past few months prior.)
I don't know what to believe.
I think maybe it was his sick way of trying to save our marraige and he was going to try to trick me.
But now, I miss him, I miss my house and our life together and have asked him to go to counsleing with me.
He won't go, and says that there is no compromise because I still want a baby and he doesn't. He says we have tried and it didn't work and I should just get past it. If I would drop the baby issue, he would consider counseling. If not then I should find someone else and get on with my life.
My arguement is that if he really loved me, how could he do this to me?
If he really loved me, and knows how much I want this, then why wouldn't he want to make me happy? At my age, the odds of actually falling in love with someone else and getting married again in time to have a baby are slim. So, if he doesn't do it, it probably won't happen.
Now, he says that people change and move on and that I should too. All of my friends and family say what a monster he is and that I am better off without him, but I miss him very much. I made a fool out of myself a few times when I had to see him to get my mail and cried and begged him to change his mind. I even called him on the phone and cried and pleaded with him. He is sick of me now and just wants me to leave him alone. I am still so hurt about everything he did, and angry and resentful with him. And I am still mourning the last m/c I had, at four months along.
I still see and talk to my ex-boyfriend, but even he has pulled away, knowing that I really love my husband and am not ready for a relationship with anyone else, and he is right.
Maybe I should just listen to my husband and drop the idea of ever being a mother.
But if he really loved me like he says he does, wouldn't he do anything to make me happy? I feel that even if I never did have a baby, he should at least love me enough to want me to be happy and try. He says he does love me but we are just moving in different directions now and I should find someone else if that is what I want. (After all, there is the slight chance I really would have a baby and then he would be stuck.)
And, again he will only consider counseling if I agree to drop the whole "baby issue".
I am thinking I will just agree to get him in to counseling, and then see what happens.
I just don't know what to do. Anyone out there deal with this sort of thing?

First I wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for the losses you have had. I can't imagine how hard that has to be. You sound like a strong person to be willing to keep trying even when it has been so difficult.
I have had no experience with this type of situation, so please forgive me if I say something stupid or sound insensitve, because that is not at all my intent.
The first thing that comes to mind with your husband protesting trying again, is that perhaps he is having trouble coming to terms with the other losses. Even though he says it's age, maybe he can't face the possibility of losing another child. Have you discussed, or are you willing to consider adoption?
I think it would be great for you two to go to counseling and see if you can put this back together. It sounds like there is love there, but that the strain of the miscarriages has taken its toll.
Good luck to you in however this turns out, and I'm very sorry for all you have been through.
Thank you for your kind words. You didn't say anything insensitive. In my experience, I have found that most people don't say anything at all, when a simple "I am sorry" works fine.
I don't think he feels very sorry for the lost pregnancies. The last one I had was the worst and he didn't act like he was sad or disppointed at all. More like he was relieved.
I got an authorization from our insurance company for up to 20 visits to a counselor/therapist. I am going to do some calling around and see if I can find a good one and go alone if I have to.
Thank you again for your reply and sympathy. It is greatly appreciated.