Coping myself while supporting children

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
Coping myself while supporting children
3
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 9:45pm

Hello! I am new to this site and was trying to find some sort of online support...thought I'd give this a try. My husband (soon to be ex) and I were married young after we were pregnant w/ our first child. We have two children together now and the majority of the marriage was a rocky roller coaster. He was bipolar and very verbally abusive and I was guilty of the silent treatment and retreating just to avoid more of his anger. Many many of his awful outbursts were witnessed by my son, who is now 6. I tried to protect him from it. When it got so bad, I moved out for about 6 months and we tried counseling and a retreat and I thought we were ready to try again, so the kids and I moved back home. That was a year ago. We are now getting a divorce. I filed a few weeks ago but had known this day was coming for years. I was afraid of it for me because it meant losing the person who at one point I thought I'd be with FOREVER and who I loved very dearly. I was also scared of breaking up the family unit. And I was worried about him...but I realized several things > I can't change his behavior or his negativity...he has to help himself and recognize the problem, I can't do that for him. Secondly, I will survive without him and sometime (way down the road) will eventually move on, and lastly I know it's better to have two healthy stable loving homes, then the one we came from.


SOOOO, I understand all of that, but I am emotionally a mess. I have my days, today being not one of the good ones. My son was also diagnosed in november with a seizure disorder, I am going through a divorce and had to move the children and I into a small apt, I am in the process of trying to buy a small house ( i couldn't afford the utilities and upkeep on the "family" home), and between all that w/ the daily life of work, bills, house cleaning and raising a 6 and 2 year old, i feel like i am spread too thinnly. I feel like there isn't time to go to counseling, which I know I have to make time for, but i thought perhaps this may be just as theraputic, and more convienent. I want to be a good exp for my children and to do that, I know i must take care of myself first. It's like intellectually I understand, but my emotions are out of whack. I still feel like at times, IF I do everything he wants, will he take me back and be happy? Which I know won't happen, but I still can't completely let go. When I see him doing things disruptive, I worry so much about him and get angry that he makes those choices...even if it's how he's coping.


My children have always been my world. I was a stay at home mom until AUgust. I want to do the BEST for them I possibly can; and make this as smooth as possible. My 6 year old is amazing. With all his medical stuff and the divorce, he just is a trooper. I asked him tonight if he was sad about the divorce, and he said "of course not." I asked why and he said "because you and dad will never fight again." I said, how did you feel when dad and mommy fought? he said "crazy! dad got so mad because the house was messy but that's not what's really important, he just yelled at you." i explained to him how that was unhealthy and mom and dad never fought because of him and etc and he is just very positive. but i worry he's not dealing with it. i am afraid his avoiding. my two year old gets up every night and will scream for an hour by the door, "i want my daddy." i try to comfort her and she won't let me. she was daddy's little girl.


he still says very snide comments to me, even yelled at me in front of our son days ago " you are such a stupid f*ing b**ch." sorry for my language, but that is what he said, over something very minimal. his anger is a huge issue. i don't know how to react for my children's sake in a way they understand this isn't okay w/out making him more mad. he is truly a good dad and loves the kids deeply. when we lived there, he was rarely home and worked many long long hours...but when he was, he was great with the kids.


i've rambled on and on. i just needs some advice and maybe just an uplifter to remind me the light is at the end of the tunnell. haha. if you have read all of this, thank you. ; ) any comments are welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 10:11pm

I know exactly how you feel...My husband is working on finding an apartment and is planning to move out within the week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 10:18pm
THANK YOU. That is exactly what I mean...one minute he is crying saying I deserve better and he's treated me so badly but 99% of the time, it's him telling me how lazy, stupid, or something else awful. For years it got to me so much, I actually had panic attacks. I am stronger now but it was hard to get of it. I was caught in his viscious cycle of moods and was scared to leave...it's still hard to let go. However, we both know in our gut what is right and we have to trust that, right? Thanks for being there!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 11:12am

I don't have any advice for you---not sure I can even say anything uplifting.