Could you help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Could you help?
4
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 12:45pm

Hi,

I'd first like to apologize if I'm posting this question in the wrong place. I'm not getting divorced or am divorced, I'm having a problem with my in-laws divorce and osmething is n't sounding right.

My brother and sister in law are going through a divorce which is starting to turn ugly. My brother in law doesn't want anyone in his family to talk to his soon to be ex. His family plays both sides and my husband and I try to stay out of all of it. I am close to my sister in law, it's always been her and I and my husband against the rest of the family. When we are together, we do not discuss her husband or the rest of the family. My husband has been divorced and he knows what it's like.

A few weeks ago, my brother in law picked up the kids and refused to return them. The police were called and the police called my husband, wanting him to come to the house my sister in law is staying. My husband went over thinking the worst. When he got there was when he found out what happened and they wanted him to go with my sister in law to get the kids, thinking that his brother would listen to a family member. It didn't work, it just ticked off DH's brother and the family. An emergency court hearing was held last week and my sister in law got her sons. The only thing is, now my sister in law has agreed not to speak to any member of her soon to be ex's family, including me until the next court date. Don't know when that will be, could be 30 days, could be longer if my brother in law keeps cancelling court dates like he has been. If she contacts any of us, she will lose the kids. I can't even send her a birthday card. My brother in law is now going around saying that he's going to make it part of the final divorce that she can't talk to any member of his family, even if she gets custody of the kids.

My question is, can my brother in law really do this and will the courts allow it? My sister in law and I have been close friends for 5 years. I'll do whatever needs to be done to protect the kids, but this is tearing my sister in law apart, I've always been her support and my in-laws are acting all smug because we're apart. My husband says if it happens, he will get a lawyer to fight it, that it's not right for his brother and the courts to say who we can and can't talk to. I told him that it would hurt the kids, if he does that. We don't even know if this can happen.

Thanks for any help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:21pm

Hopefully your SIL knows the family doesn't have the ultimate say in this. Hopefully she has a lawyer and he/she will deal with it. Now I presume from what you're saying YOU have been forbidden to contact HER, is that the case? If so, there may be a way for you to contact her lawyer. Check into it, but if it's her attorney, and especially if you say you don't want messages passed on to her, it may not be third-party contact. Tell the attorney you're available to fight it if BIL pushes. As for his cancelling court dates, his attorney can play that game, but at the risk of being obvious. Eventually she can push things through. I'm sure BIL wants to wait you out until you're no longer willing to stand by her.

I've never heard of a divorce decree forbidding contact between people. Usually it's a restraining order that does that. Unless she requests a restraining order against you or you against her, it doesn't seem likely. He's pleased because he's tearing down her support system,and that's disgusting.

The difficulty comes in if BIL has a lawyer and SIL doesn't. Then he or his attorney could tell her any bull they wish and she'd have no one to filter it. That's when I've heard of the most outrageous things happening.

Best of luck to all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:36pm

The only way that can be written into the decree is if she agrees to it. Otherwise, not a chance.

Also, I don't know where it could possibly be written that she cannot have any contact with his family until the next court date. It is simply unconstitutional and would never fly in any court of law. The only way a restraining order would be in place is for the protection of someone's person. Not multiple persons. There would have to be a fear of one's safety and if that was the case no court would allow a dangerous person to have custody of their kids.

He's probably just shooting off at the mouth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 2:06pm

Thank you. My SIL does have a lawyer. The only reason she agreed to not talk to anyone in BIL's family was to get the kids back and this was done in the emergency court meeting in front of a judge. It's just that it gave BIL power and he thinks he can get his way again. It's starting to seem like BIL has all the rights. He can have the kids with the woman he's living with and is not kind to the kids even though SIS doesn't want the kids with this woman, they're not even divorced yet and neither is this woman, the kids have called my DH over the weekend, begging us to come and get them from BIL and there's nothing we can do. It's heart breaking. Part of the other problem is when BIL didn't return the kids, SIL called over at his parents house. They said they didn't know where he was and didn't want to get involved. On the day of the court meeting, BIL's parents said they felt harassed when SIL called.

SIL's lawyer does not want to talk to my DH because we are the "enemy" and he doesn't know if we're playing up just to get info to go to BIL. I can totally understand and respect that, he doesn't know us and his client comes first.

Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 7:44pm

I think it's just wise of her to NOT have any contact until court just to be sure there's no "he said/she said" etc..... however, I believe that her husband will find that his requests are unreasonable, and without substantial cause (such as abuse or inappropriate behavior) he's barking up a lone tree... and any sane judge will tell him that the better ALL family members can get along in a divorce, the better it is for everyone.... especially the kids.


Try to hang on and respect this time.... after all, if it's for the best of the kids, it's all worth it.... and he's already got one HUGE strike against him because he wouldn't return the kids and she had to take legal action to get them back.... and did get them back.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~