Counciling Today
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| Thu, 08-17-2006 - 2:00am |
Today I had a really great meeting with my councilor. She helped me see so many things that I knew but was missing. I was a councilor for seven years and let me tell you we are the worst!! I quit because my home life was so awful I did not feel I could tell others how to live their lives. Any way I knew how I was feeling, why I was feeling it what things I was doing and how I was reacting to things, but what I could not figure out was why I could not move forward.
The first thing she helped me realize is that I had disconnected myself from how it was directly affecting me. She told me that this was normal in woman who were abused. Basiclly, a level of protecting myself.
The next thing she helped me realize is that part of my anger was not really at him but at what I had done all of those years, what I had allowed and who I had allowed myself to become. That I had spent so many years trying to make him happy, trying to do everything that he asked in hopes that he might feel the same towards me. And what had come of it was me always making excuses for his behavior always making it ok because I did not want him to feel bad. That over the years I build up resentment that I bottled up over and over and suddenly that now that I was free I was begining to feel angry because of all of the time and emotions I had invested and suddenly as always he was off the hook. Not taking any responsibiliy, eventually replacing me with someone younger and continuing to not validate my feelings but only still blame me for his choices. That basicly suddenly after all I had done and tried that now...I was bankrupt....and the intense emotions of everything I had been through and ignored were beginning to come out, she compared it to losing everything finacially but in this case it's emotionally. I don't think that I am saying any of this as well as she did...so I hope someone can read through the lines.
The other major thing we discussed is what she calls the circle of control vs the circle of influence. She reminded me that I only had control over myself and what I do, that I could be loving but that does not mean I will be loved. She reminded me that when I allow myself to begin to feel so angry about him and let it consume so much of my life, wondering why he did this, what they must be doing and letting those feelings eat me up inside that I was continuing to let him influence me and my decisions. Allowing myself to still look for that validation from him, that he never gave to me and still was not giving to me. She remided me that when I live like that I was out of control and under his influence even though he was still not around and it was allowing me to not move forward.
The things she said today just surprised me, I just could not see all that he had done to me. I don't think I have ever said out loud before but my husband was abusive for 18 of our 19 years together, physically and emotionally. He always felt bad about his behavior after and I always forgave him, and I never would talk about it again so that he would not feel bad. The worst part is I taught my girls this too, although they both have very loving long time relationships and they don't expericence what they saw, they still excuse their father's behavior. I'm sad I created that for them, they know the truth in how he behaves and what he does is wrong, but we've always accomodated it for him.
I still plan to stay mad at him, I still intend to not forgive him for all he has done but I don't want to let it control me anymore. I don't want him to control me any more. I want to move on and be happy and show my girls that life does not have to be this way. Even though they are almost grown and gone I think I still have a chance, I always wanted to give them a better life. I can't start over but I can show them what can be better, that there is more that what they had to experience.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else but me but I thought I would share anyway.
Be strong and true to yourselves, it is the best way we can be strong for our children.

It was a great post...even though I don't know your entire situation. I am separtated after only 10 months of marriage. My husband said I was the problem and I needed counseling first and then he would go if he liked the reaults he saw and I changed.
I was having a hard time today, because we still get along,...I was missing him a lot and thinking about him (of course I was only thinking good things, and that is why I miss him).
I have to remember that I had reasons for my decision to get divorced after he moved my stuff out. He is controlling, he thought he controlled that situation and was going to determine the outcome...'MAKE' me be what he wanted me to be and then we could work on "us". Whatever. It would never work, I already felt like in that short amount of time, I was losing myself.
Thanks for sharing...
Good luck,
Kelly
My husband is that way, it was always about me and what I was doing, he never took responsibility for his own actions. It was always about placing the blame on me and what I had done to make him behave in a certain way. My husband and I were still getting along also and it was making it hard for me to see all that I was doing in the relationship to make myself stay. Now that I'm beginning to breath again, I remember that it was always my fault, he never once took responsibility for his actions. If he hit me or yelled at me, it's because I did something to make him angry. One time it was he could not find any pants for work. I don't want to live with that type of belief anymore.
I imagine I will go through a bad time again, I still teared up today and it's not even 10 am. But right now I don't want to live like I have been, I feel a weight lifted from me right now and I hope I can stay in the up stage for long enough to build myself back up.
Have a great day