counseling or just call it quits
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counseling or just call it quits
| Fri, 07-27-2007 - 2:54pm |
My husband and I have been married for just about 2 years now, our courtship was short and baby soon followed, I feel like we don't really know each other and that ultimately we may not even be compatible. We didn't give ourselves much time to get to know each other so I feel like some of his personality traits, if I had dated him longer and realized them then I may not have married him. He is very generous loves to gives gifts but the gifts seem to be a substitute for real affection. I feel like he does nice things for people just to make HIMself feel good, the acts of kindness seem very disingenuine. He is always trying too hard to impress people, and he seems a bit of an egomaniac, I find myself less attracted to him now that I have seen his lack of interest in our child and lack of willingness to help in night or day feedings, diaper changes and just plain holding him giving him attention. He of course does not feel my impression of his parenting is valid. I have been to a counselor who assures me this is normal for marriages to go through this and that it is fixable but deep down I am getting this feeling that these personality traits are just something that cannot be changed or fixed its who he is, its not like he leaves dirty plates arround ,that behavior can be changed, but when its deep seeded behavior traits like I'm beginning to see, is counseling a waste of time. I don't even feel like I want to compromise anymore i've done that all my life in previous relationships i feel cheated, is there anyone out there that every really truly gets you and accepts you flaws and all...HAs anyone been through something similar and counseling truly helped, I just feel like if you need counseling to show you how to be affectionate to one another and how to change your personality so your spouse can tolerate you better, than don't you just not belong together>??Im so confused, scared,any advise.

it's funny b/c in your first paragraph or so, i thought you were talking about my situation - lol!! been married two yrs - except when we joined, we were instant family of 5! child from previous relationship plus our twins ;) talk about serious breakdown -
but i lived & am here to talk about it, lol - and i hate to say it, but i agree w/your counselor - basically it's the infatuation phase rubbing off & the disappointment phase settling in - basically you have finally taken the shades off & damn is that sun bright!! lol - if you go to www.smartmarriage.com, you can read more on stuff like that there -
basically it's part of growth & realizing that nothing is perfect, never will be - there are always going to be things you would change or flaws - but, the question is - is it something that is destrimental to themselves, to you & therefore the relationship??
carrie talked about it in a sex in the city episode w/her & mr big...basically you fall in love w/someone for their personality (usually which is completely opposite of your own) and then after awhile all of it starts really pissing you off & getting on your nerves - same exact scenerio w/my husband & me -
and i just responded to a lady on her about "should i go or stay" kind of stuff & you may want to read b/c i share some of my experience w/my experience w/my first relationship w/a child & leaving -
when it's just you - no big deal, other than wasted life - you can continue down the line to the next one & the next one, til you finally wake up & get it - lol - happiness is a choice - we can't always get everything we want & when we accept it & move on, we become better & bigger people for it...but when children are involved, it's alot more sticky - so....proceed w/caution...
my answer - keep w/the counselor & know that not only has she counseled many w/the same issues & problems, but that i'm here telling you the same thing as well -
the second time around - after learning & growing, i was truly committed & knew that either he'd either get to that point or he'd file for divorce - he filed for separation & left me w/no choice but to leave - soooo...let that be an indicator as well - if he's willing to stay & stick around - flaws & all - then you might want to give it a try to?
and in the meantime - figure out how to create a life for yourself that you are happy w/ -imagine if he weren't even there & no other man were either - what would you do w/your time etc. - focus on you, instead of him & that may aleviate some of the problem :)
good luck!!
Laurel