Counseling really making things clear...
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| Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:27pm |
I've been to two sessions w/counselor so far - once as couple & once by myself - and that was pretty much all I needed to get clear on where I'm really at w/things & where I need to go from here...
I actually know now that all of my thoughts/feelings aren't all in my head - and I'm not crazy - lol...also learned that I am de-senstized to cheating...which explains alot of my reasoning concerning hubby's "female" friends. Thing is, I don't see anything wrong w/having friends of the opposite sex, myself included - however there were quite a few times where I felt he crossed the line by having ones that I really wasn't acquainted w/ or going to them w/stuff about our marriage...he's a very outgoing person & is a big people person - and has to be for his job - I learned to accept that about him, however in the end, I'm not so sure it was condusive to a good marriage...it was too easy for him to say that he didn't want to play w/me for the day & go off & play w/someone else when we were in disagreement etc. - even if not necessarily in the sexual sense.
Then my counselor validated to me that I seemed to be more mature and when he came into counseling he seemed to be there to more so blame me, then to own up & work on the marriage. He showed up 10 min late (not sure about his individual one) showed resistance to "homework" she gave us & earlier today, I received an email from him telling me that I may want to reschedule our appt for Friday b/c he can't make Thursday?? HELLO, why should I reschedule when you are the one that can't make it? Which by the way, I did send him a lovely reply back & advised that if he wanted to go, he could reschedule - if not, I will happily take all the free sessions for myself ;) No point in him going if he's not serious about things or clear about what he's there for. I knew that even this experience w/counseling would not only help to get objective feedback, but to see what his committment level was - honestly I must say I was a little surprised he even agreed to go - hmmmm.
So now it really is clear to me that all his unrealistic expectations, complaints and therefore tantrums have really been b/c of his lack of want for the marriage and/or lack of ability to make changes & accommodate the marriage. We try to make it so much more complicated then what it is b/c things really aren't going how we like (hello, divorce not convenient w/three kids!!) but in the end, it truly is about what you want & what you're going to do to get you there. I know marriage takes alot of compromise & sometimes takes alot of work...but most of all I think it takes alot of sacrifice, growing up & really figuring out what it is & is important to you in life.
So far, w/this counseling stuff, he's failing...and it's quite possible that I will soon be able to say I did ALL that I could to see what he & this marriage was/is about & how to move forward from there.
I highly recommend counseling - not just for possibly restoring the marriage, but also for possibly ending it.
Laurel

Hi Laurel - It is surprising to me to hear the way you speak of your situation, because it does so remind me of mine (only mine about 12-14 years ago.) yep I stayed (20 years) after I was feeling what you are - and after realizing much of what you have realized. (my h and yours seem very much alike characteristically) I became desensitized to the whole "friends" who were girls. He had a lot of them, and he would tell me of so many women who would proposition him. He has always been flirty - and in denyal about it - But I got used to it, considering that it was just his personality and he didn't REALLY mean anything bad - well... there were more things than this that began to make me cold and shut down emotionally - I won't go into it and write a book, cause I sure could - as I am pretty confident most here could as well -
Long and short of it, my conselor helped me to understand why I stayed for so long when I was detached emotionally and why now I am finally ready to move on and live for real. It is refreshing, and scary all at the same time.
good luck, keep an open mind - it may not be too late - and most of all be honest with yourself!!! regardless of your decisions.
take care
S
thx for the advice & sharing - yes, i think some people are naturally flirty characteristically - and while annoying in my book, it wasn't something i would end the marriage over -
however like you said at the end, it really starts w/me & me being honest w/myself concerning things - asking myself what does bother me etc. so that i don't emotionally detach by not getting my needs met...
we'll see i suppose...
Laurel,
I've just decided to go to counseling. I've been married for 14yr, 3 kids (12,11,&3). Husband has been saying for past couple of months that he's not sure he wants to stay in relationship. I've asked him to go to counseling several times. He refuses. I've now decided to go on my own. I figure it will either help me find a way to save my marriage, or find a way to end it.
Even though my husband has said he wants out, he hasn't done anything about it. That's what is confusing to me. Now I feel like I'm tired of living in this limbo. As much as I want to stay in this relationship, I can't take the flip flopping.
My husband also if very friendly with the girls. I thought I could always trust him. But about 2 1/2 yrs ago we had an issue with constant cell phone calls to a co-worker. Although he didn't (and still doesn't) feel it was cheating, I have not been able to get completely over it, and feel I now keep my eye's more open. Lately, I have been asking if there is another person involved. He says no. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if there was another woman.
I'm glad to hear that the counseling is good for you.
Debi
yes - good luck to you & counseling - it's unfortunate that he won't go, but so be it - i completely understand about the limbo thing - it can be quite frustrating...if nothing else, counseling will possibly help you to better deal w/that & put it into perspective as well...
it's easier when the other person pulls the plug tho - and if you are going to counseling - it's showing that you are doing all you can do - that's a definite plus when kids are involved - then if/when the time comes, you can have peace w/it - good luck & congrats to you on taking a step towards controlling your life :)
Laurel
If divorce is truely the right thing to do, then I'm glad for you.
However, I find it very difficult to beleive that two counceling sessions have cleared matters up for you. If two sessions was all it took, I suspect that you had already decided to end things before you visited.
I am for counceling, and its a long term process. I have not seen that much "counceling" that directly helps or supports a marriage. Its more about gaining control of yourself (and the crappier aspects of your personality), the choices you make, and the ability to be honest and accept honesty.
If I read your post correctly, your husband is emotionally vacant towards you most of the time, and when he's not vacant or absent, he's angry.
His work -- what's with the anger?
Your work - why did you put up with it? Why did you find this attractive (he's been this way all along) ? And please do not see the divorce of your husband as the "answer", or you will repeat this behaviour with man after man until you fix it.
I noticed in your profile that you describe your husband as "wonderful". What happened such that you now seek counceling and divorce?
I don't doubt hubby has been a schmuck, or that you are very angry and resentful towards him, or that he's earned all of it.
But divorce is expensive, painful, expensive, emotionally traumatizing to all involved and very expensive. So think hard before getting divorced. There are very good reasons to get divorced, such as he's
- a drunk, an drug addict, a gambling addict,
- molesting the kids (physically or sexually),
- beating you or raping you,
- debasing you as a human being or (person),
- committing feloneous acts.
Beyond this, you enter into a world of vague nuance and unspoken upsets that has resulted in mountainous resentment between both of you.
As for me, I did not seek to divorce until I felt there was nothing else that I could do or try to stay married. My then wife was advocating that I should get chemically castrated with deproprovera to eliminate any "maleness" to my personality, this was the last straw. And she would beat me as I slept. And she constantly cheated. And I put up with it for a long time and said nothing -- that's why I was in counceling for such a long time.
well, if you noticed in the title, i said...counseling is making things clear - so no, mind is not completely made up - however it has definitely given me more clarity & perspective concerning things - hearing a counselor's feedback on our relationship, just from the first session & her seeing us together, noticing our interaction - helped to validate & confirm everything i felt & thought - i needed that so i didn't think i was going crazy & too much in my own head or relying on people around me, who aren't truly qualified to give advice on the topic...
and i'm a little confused on what you are saying - you are saying that one shouldn't put up w/X,Y,Z list (the list of reasons you gave to divorce) - however you are asking me why i put up w/anger? not saying i should leave tho??? and yes, the anger is part of his work - however, what if he doesn't do this work?
and why was i attracted to that?? well, i didn't see anger in the beginning - that was the "love is blind" phase - and i don't think that is uncommon - he was the ideal dream in the beginning - oh yeh & the mr. wonderful in the profile, that was a combination of positive thinking & seeing the good things in order to keep the marriage (denial possibly? lol) - i'm sure i need to update that, lol! but of course w/each relationship, you learn more about yourself, more of why you picked who you picked & how to do better & different next time...
and i'm not saying that you'll ever find the perfect one - however, it is quite possible you will end up finding some that fits you better - in life, most of us grow and sometimes our partners do not - what then?
as far as the comment about divorce, what it means for you concerning emotionally, financially etc. that is your experience - but not true for everyone - we were together for five, but only married for two - and we are both reasonable & have been able to come up w/fair settlement - if nothing else, most can go to mediation & solve that - once again, everyone is different...
and i haven't completely given up on my marriage - which by the way, even tho there was conflict, tension & many undesirables w/in the house, i didn't file for separation - he did & pulled up w/the u-haul - i was left w/no choice in that matter - and i probably wouldn't have left - you asked why i stayed? my children were completely happy - they rarely witnessed any tension - however they got to see their parents daily & had stability - i wouldn't have taken that away from them -
but he filed & now we're all re-adjusting - and it would take ALOT for me to go back - i agree w/your X,Y,Z list to a certain extent - however i also think that everyone's situation is different - and what they can or can't tolerate is as well -
and for me, w/the separation, i've came to realize that i was too much of an enabler - who enabled him to get mad & stay mad at me for little to no reason - that i entertained many of his unrealistic expectations, allowed him to throw fits (meaning not speaking for days, threats of divorce etc.) & the only way i would've ever been able to see or change that, was to get out & get clarity around it...stress is a number one killer & it doesn't come from just work - it can come from relationships & it wasn't healthy for me - some of the things people can do & say can be just as harmful to your health as you breathing in poisonous gas - soooo, you either buy a mask (detach, which is not happiness or quality living) or you leave...that is unless you are trained to be able to recognize & fix the problem of where the leak is coming from - and often that isn't easy or always possible at that moment to do...
but i think allowing someone to not take responsibility for their marriage & unhappiness is just as bad as any of the things on your list - bottomline is it is a road that leads nowhere but to misery & grief & i choose not to live there w/anyone - no matter what their status is in my life...that's simply a personal choice - that i don't think anyone can decide but you - for you...
i hate to hear what your wife did to you - however it sounds like you were an enabler as well - it's fine to want a marriage, but at what cost to yourself & your spirit...it's the things in life that you can't let go of that have the most power over you (whether a person, idea or thing) & can ultimately destroy you - sounds like you let go, just in time...
good luck!
Laurel :)