A Couple of Questions....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
A Couple of Questions....
3
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 5:29pm

I just need to know a few things from those who have been there, done that....thanks in advance for your responses..

First, I just want to know if things ever do get better for the children. My youngest is too young to understand, but my 4 year old is having a really hard time without his daddy. He always tells me I don't love him and he wants to live with daddy. He's usually fine until he sees him and then he gets so upset when stbx is about to leave... DS has a lot of issues that are most likely due to the fact he has endured his parent's nonstop fighting since the day he was born... we will be starting therapy in the next couple of weeks...I hope this helps him...It breaks my heart to see him this way...

Also, I just wanted to know if anyone who was in a verbally abusive marriage was ever able to reconcile and it work out. My stbx smoked pot everyday until the day I left. Now he says he's clean (it's only been about 2 1/2 weeks) and he has a new outlook on life. He is able to see his future now instead of reliving his past and realizes what he's lost. He wants so badly for us to get back together....but I've lost that loving feeling... (lol) I really have no desire to get back together at this point and all my friends and family would absolutely kick my arse if I did...but can someone truly change and do a complete 180? He wants to try for the boys. I think we're better off the way we are right now...

I'm so torn...I know I don't love him, and I can't trust that he'll be able to keep a job for an extended period of time and keep all the promises he's making right now. I've heard them all before. He says its different cuz I never took the kids away and the pain is worse than any beating he got as a kid growing up. He said its easy to start a new relationship, but to fix one thats broken is work and he wants his family.

Thanks for listening,
Hugs,
Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:11am
Hi, I just happened to be checking out this board and read your post. Have you checked out the Domestic Abuse board? (it's here on the ivillage site too) I have found it to really help, maybe you could get some more advice there, or just read what other people have written, sometimes that helps too! There's lots of women going through similar situations as far as the kids go. Best of wishes to you and your little ones. (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:29am

Can't offer btdt advice yet; we tell the kids (5 and 6 yo) this weekend, but I can tell you about some good books about kids and divorce: "Helping children cope with divorce" is one I really appreciate and "The truth about kids and divorce" is another current, practical one. Counseling is great (we just started the kids).

As for your spouse. Couples counseling can help it both directions -- can help you both realize it is healthier if the marriage ends, or can help you find your way to repair the marriage. Either way, it opens a dialogue which should be helpful for whatever future you walk. Just make sure you find an experienced and skilled therapist.

I am sorry for your pain as you see your little guy suffer. For me, that is the worst, my kids' pain. I just can't get over what adults, who can't step up to the plate of their marriage commitment and obligation to their kids (i.e. drugs and unemployment, abuse and general irresponsibility in your situation) are willing to inflict on their children.

So so sorry. Read those books, act on their advice; get your stbx involved in the reading (there are also tons of books for little kids; check out amazon); work with the kids' therapist and take care of them and you. And let your stbx (or not) prove himself.

GL,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:37am

My emotionally abusive ex-husband refused to even admit that his behavior was wrong until AFTER I left. THAT's when he wanted to go to counseling, save the marriage, etc. At that point, it's all about control. They don't really want the marriage back, they just want you back so they can go back to what's comfortable and re-establish control over you.

In order to establish control, people will lie. Although it's possible that your STBX is clean... I highly doubt it will be a long term thing...