Court Continues, Post Divorce

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Court Continues, Post Divorce
4
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 8:45am

Eegads.  I have a conflict now before the appelate court.  My ex would never agree to the QDRO amounts.  Although we had actual dollar values of each of our 401ks, and it was simple math, he refused to agree, even when I hire a QDRO lawyer to draw up the papers.  I don't know why that QDRO lawyer needed him to approve it.  :(  Fast forward 9 years, and the 401k values are vastly different.  So my lawyer wrote a QDRO also giving me gains on the original amount.  She then (without any communication to me whatsoever), amended that order to subtract all gains.  Obviously, I fired her for doing that without even communicating to me and giving me an option to argue the point.  My new lawyer showed me that the case law is on my side in that I should get any gains or losses on the 401k.  So we await a decision from the appelate court.

The lawyers are making a load of money on my divorce.  Until the children are out of college (hopefully 4-6 years), I will be frequenting the courthouse. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 11:05am

I don't understand why, at the time of the original divorce, if he wouldn't sign the papers, that the lawyer didn't just file a motion with the judge to have it approved.  That would have been the rational thing to do, but all this time to do the QDRO is just crazy.  yes I agree that you should get the gains because if he had given you the money when he was supposed to, then it would have been in the bank and you would have received the gains.  Good luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 1:06pm

I don't understand everything, but clearly what a pain in the neck for you.  I hope in the end it all works out the way it is supposed to!

Serenity

Serenity
Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 09-12-2014 - 8:11am

Musiclover, my ex is abusive.  He has been diagnosed with OCD and anger management issues, and another MD thought he had ADD.  I think those are poor excuses for narcissistic, abusive behavior, but whatever.  My ex wouldn't agree to ANYTHING.  Even when we agreed, he would disagree.  I think that's called ODD (Oppositional Defiant Dxxxx.)  My original divorce took over 3 years in the court system because he wouldn't agree to anything.  I tried to give him the furniture and household items when we first separated and he refused them, and then in court, he argued that he wanted them.

UPDATE - with my newest lawyer, we (finally) won something.  It's a small pittance compared to the 401k earnings, but he was YELLING at his lawyer, such that his lawyer's face was pale and dejected after he got a tongue lashing.  I suspect that my ex won't pay him AND that he won't have a lawyer for whatever next courtdate we have.  While we wait for the appelate decision, my guess is that my ex will also take the 401k and move it so that we cant' find it.  I am hoping that, in the longrun, I will come out on top, but I also hope that my ex doesn't "snap."  I have had a previous OP, and although most think he is just a bully/baby, he has also overpowered me before.  I won't be bullied anymore.  I am done being the "nice one," always looking out for others.  This time, I am standing my ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Fri, 09-19-2014 - 7:36pm

You go Girl!

So much of your story resonates with me because I too divorced a manipulative controlling bully.  The divorce was finalized 8 years ago but we have been back at court for various things.  Unfortunately for me, my XH is a lawyer (no offence Music)  and he knows how to work the system.  More than anything, he knows I have limited funds and can't afford a protraced court battle so I have settled on many issues.  Just today I learned of something that should have been covered in our most recent court battle but was left out (battle fatigue).  Anyhow, I'm confident that I would win if I took him back to court but the gain would not be enough to offset the legal fees so I'm stuck sucking it up.

It frustrates me, it saddens me, it makes me angry!!!  I am working on living with lifes' imperfections.  When it gets to be too much, I come here and vent.  One of the best things you can do is find a safe place/person with whom you can share.  Oddly enough, the person who best understands my situation is my XH's former girlfriend.  He dated her for about 3 years so she has a good idea of what my life was like (she calls him the CMF which stand for crazy mother f@#&er).

Hang in there and keep things in perspective.  Remember to balance winning with the cost of winning (it sucks sometimes but it must be done).