Court Hearing date in two weeks - still in love with STBX and so many emotions!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013
Court Hearing date in two weeks - still in love with STBX and so many emotions!
6
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 11:17pm

Hi All,

I have been lurking / reading for a little while, but now that my court hearing date is coming up in a couple of weeks, I am ready to post and hopefully get some assistance.  I met my STBX my freshman year of college and was with him for 10 years, including 4 years of marriage.  I have never been a true adult without him.  Now we are getting divorced and I am having a really difficult time.  It was a mutual decision to divorce as we had very different priorities with what we wanted our lives to look like and once we started talking about children, these differences finally became a major issue that we couldn't resolve.  While there were eventually a lot of negative feelings from both of us, this divorce did not originate out of someone cheating or anything like that.  We haven't seen each other since we signed the divorce filings a few months ago, and at that time he would barely look me in the eye much less talk to me.  Now, I have to see him in a couple of weeks and I am freaking out.  I am pretty sure he is dating someone and that is absolutely killing me (I don't know how you ladies who have dealt with a husband that cheated during your marriage, because I am practically divorced and I can't begin to stomach him being with someone else).  I know that in the long-run we are not a good match, but I am realizing that I am still very much in love with my husband.  I miss him so much and while my friends and family are wonderful, I am at an age where most of my friends are getting married and having kids.  None of them are getting divorced.  I'm just really lost and sad, and I know this is a normal part of grieving my relationship, but knowing that doesn't make things any easier.  Some of my friends keep trying to tell me that things will get better and that I am too good for my ex anyway (I don't know why they think this is helpful) and I will end up with someone even better.  Some are even urging me to date.  Luckily some of my friends understand that I'm not over my ex - heck, I'm not even fully divorced yet!  Unfortunately, I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to date again.  My STBX is the only person I've been in a real adult relationship with and I don't have any idea how to date or how to find someone new, which is very scary.  I try not to deal with that thought since I am no where close to being ready to date.

 I'm really scared for what things will be like at the courthouse and I am really nervous to see him.  We also still live in the same town so I am always worried I will run into him, and I am especially worried I will see him with the woman I think he is dating.  I can barely concentrate at work and keep having really vivid dreams where we are still together but he is also with this other woman.  I guess I am just trying to reach out now to get some advice from those who have gone through this before me.  I know my situation may be different from many on this board, but how do I prepare for going to the court hearing and how do I put my life back together when I am not over my ex?

Any advice you can give me would be very welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You aren't still in love with him.....and maybe you never were in love with him....you were in love with who you thought he was, and now you know he wasn't the man that you thought he was.  He might be a good man, but he doesn't want the same things you want, so you're not a good match.  If you'd loved each other, you would have compromised on what you wanted from life.

Maybe you weren't in an adult relationship with him, either.  You just weren't an adult yet, but now you are, and instead of worrying about how to date, first take care of the divorce.  Once you're single, you'll be MORE of an adult, and you'll figure out how to live like an adult, and find an adult relationship or two or three. 

The fact that he has already found someone new tells you that he wasn't that in love with you.  And who says he'll stay with her?  Most "rebound" romances don't last very long.  Men always find someone else immediately, because they're the weaker sex, and they can't live without a woman........but women have enough sense to take the time to heal before getting involved again. 

Don't go to court alone.  Take someone with you, a sibling, a parent, a good friend.....and they'll help you get thru it.  You'll be amazed at how quickly it will be over, and then you can walk out as a new woman, ready to start a new exciting life.  A divorce is not only the end of something that wasn't good for you, it's the beginning of a whole new life that will be much better for you. 

PS:  don't worry about what your friends are doing in their lives.  Half of them will probably wind up in divorce court, too.  You need to live your life according to what's going on in your life, it's NOT going to be the same as everyone elses life all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I was also going to say take someone to court with you--if you have an agreement, the actual hearing is pretty short.  I remember getting divorced the 1st time (yes, unfortunately I've had 2) where it was my DH's idea to get divorced and I didn't really want to--since I'm also a divorce lawyer (insert irony) the judge was kind of joking around with me and believe me, I didn't want to joke--it was hard enough to get through that, plus being embarrassed, since everybody in the court knows me.  Well you don't believe it now, but eventually you will get over it--since you don't have kids, you won't have to see him.  Maybe you could look around for a divorce support group so you can talk to other people, or have some sessions with a therapist.  I agree that your friends were trying to make you feel better, but they didn't say the right thing.  You might think you're ancient but 28 is pretty young--there are a lot of single people around your age.  One the shock wears off and you start to feel better, you will start dating.  and forget about your friends getting married--not everybody gets married in their 20's and you still have plenty of time to get married again & have kids, if that's what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013

Thank you so much for these responses - they have been incredibly helpful and given me a lot to consider.  I can't tell you what it means to read your supportive replies and I really appreciate your advice.  I know that I am so emotional right now and can't see the 'forest for the trees' while I am in the midst of it all.  You're right that I'm more likely in love with what I thought our relationship was / could be as opposed to actually still in love with my STBX - doesn't make things any less painful at the moment, but at least puts things in perspective.  And I think it is a great point that I wasn't a mature adult in this relationship (neither was he, but I try to remember that soon his problems will not be my problems) and that I have the chance to mature into who I want to be now on my own. 

Thank you also for suggesting that I bring someone with me to the courthouse.  I hadn't really considered that, but I might ask one of my best friends to come with me.  I already alerted one friend who is like a sister about the court date in case I'm a mess afterward, but maybe she could take off work to come with me. 

Also, thanks for the tip about maybe finding a group of other women going through divorce - I definitely feel really alone in this right now (although it is funny that the few friends who ARE having relationship troubles are now suddenly coming to me quietly and covertly for advice...while I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is true that I need to remember that everyone else's relationships aren't as happy and perfect as they may appear from the outside)

Thanks again for everything!!  I am so happy to know that this resource is available to me as I'm going through this awful time!  If anyone has any additional advice, I'm open to any thoughts.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

  Everything you are feeling is quite normal.  I know it's hard to imagine being with someone else, but, take it from one who knows, they're out there and you will love again.  I was 47 when my ex decided to end our 25 year marriage (MUCH older than you) and I met my 2nd dh at 48 (didn't marry until I was 51).  You cannot even imagine my fear of the future and being alone.  Falling in love again never even entered my mind!  I'm still shocked that God had someone else out there for me!  

If your priorities had changed and you weren't compatible, then yes...you were probably correct in ending your marriage, but missing him is probably normal.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2007

Any relationship, no matter how hard, is tough when it comes to breaking up. I have been through one bad marriage and a worse divorce in the past and my current marriage is crumbling - I didnt expect to get divroced once - but unbelievably the second one is imminent - and the one lesson I have learned through unfortunate experience is that no matter how bad your relationship - you will end up grieving it. That is because relationships have so many layers - and not all layers/aspects are bad. Besides you never expected for a divorce - you expected, dreamt of living together for a long long time. 
I am scared of the future - of what it will bring me, where it will take me. I am heartened when I read about ladies who got divorced late in life (unfortunate as it is) found a life and love after. I am keeping my hopes up. But that does not mean it makes my current situation any easier. I will have to go through the emotional hardship. Keep your hopes up too OP. We are all in here together. The road ahead will get better. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014

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