The crap has hit the fan...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
The crap has hit the fan...
5
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:21am

He's pi$$ed now. He called yesterday asking for the baby on sunday, I told him it was my gf's daughter's b-day party (he hates my gf) and he said so what! Excuse me I said. Then he asked waht time it was I told him and I suggested what about getting him Saturday. He pauses, then said he'd have to let me know, I reiterated dont wait till last minute, he said if he does it would have to be from like 9 -10 to 3pm. Ugh.
Here's what I dont get with him and I asked him this, why cant you ever keep him until the late evening. He's like I know what happens on Sat. and he bent over backwards to take him last sat blah blah.

Then he asked about the furniture and i told him are you kidding me after your behavior last week. You cant use me as a friend one night then talk to me like garbage the next and expect me to be nice and do you favors. I said this is a two way street. He started saying it's me and I interfered with "their" relationship, stay out of it, Im causing them problems, and I told him you dont need any help from me screwing up your relationship, your doing that fine all on your own and he was like then let him do by himself and I told him I dont want to discuss her b/c she has nothing to do with our son and told him Im not giving him any furniture and he went off, saying I have caused problems for them and how wrong I am, the usual garbage. Then he says on saturday the baby was playing with her phone and spoke into the phone and said the "f" word. What kind of mother am i that I curse in front of him and all this other crap. Coincindentally, he goes to meet with the mediator today and all of a sudden the baby is cursing again. But he neglected to mention this to me all week until he heard Im not giving him any furniture. So I told him if the baby said that then it's b/c he heard one of them say it!

Again I said look, we need to put all of this "stuff" between us behind us and do what's best for Jaylen. We cant keep going on like this. He was like he told me what his position was on the furniture issue, him and I have nothing to discuss. I said will you be picking him up on Sat, he said we have NOTHING to discuss and he hung up on me.

If he wants some electronics to come between us and raising his son like two civil adults then so be it. Im fed up with his tantrums and his bullcrap. Blaming me for every wrong thing that has happened in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 2:31pm

I'm glad you didn't cave in to his juvenile manipulations on the electronics. I think his refusal to discuss the visitation is just another manipulation tactic - being sweet didn't work, ranting didn't work, blaming you for his problems and trying to guilt you didn't work, so maybe you'll cave because he knows how much you want him to spend time with Jaylen. You've been strong through the other tactics, so stay strong. He needs to learn he can't manipulate you like that anymore. You can't force him to act like a mature adult - some people have to blame everything that goes wrong with their lives on someone else. But if you refuse to stoop to his level and don't reward him for acting like a bratty child at least you'll retain your sanity. And he may even stop trying to engage you in arguments when time passes and his antics are getting him nothing, and may even become more civil.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 2:44pm
...I hope you are keeping a log of all these events, because I'm sure he is going to try to use anything he can against you...he might try ..... so make sure your prepared.
It's no good to discuss the gf, because he will try to act the hero like he's defending her and their relationship. So of coarse he could look like the good dad, for show only. Just set guidelines in the general terms, like: "No one" meaning "no one", not the in-laws, nor your parents, not teachers, nor significant others, can interfer in the raising of our child. WE are the parents. When WE are discussing our child, there is no one but us that know what is best for him/her. And if they should contribute offline, that's where it stays offline."
If you keep it general like that then he can't stear the conversation to her, and try to be all defensive. Just my two cents :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:22pm
Thats a great suggestion. I actually tried that with him telling him that no one should interfere with our discussing the baby not even the person Im seeing and ofcourse he didnt get it. So to heck with him. If he wants to be like this Im done trying to bridge the gap between us as parents and him and the baby. It's his loss. I do firmly believe that God has a lesson for him to learn as for all of us and it will all be done in time.

In the mean time all I can do is love our son to the fulles of my abilities and that's exactly what I will do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:55pm

Nearly everyday since I've been separated from STBX I've thought, at least once, 'How on EARTH could I have ever been involved with such a moron?!" Do you ever have that thought?? I'm thinking you probably do ;o) LOL


Does he have ANY legal custody of your son? If not then you have no legal obligation to let him near your son until there is an agreement in writing. So, you need to start making the rules as far as visitation goes. Tell him you must have 24 or 48 hours notice if he wants to see the baby. Also, make sure that you send a letter or something and keep a copy for yourself. For MONTHS I let STBX walk all over me with visitation. He'd call at the last minute wanting to see them, so I'd rearrange any plans we had. He would show up HOURS late and I'd just sit here waiting for him. He doesn't want a schedule either. However, I need to have a lift too. I love my boys, but I need adult contact!LOL I need to be able to plan things and not have to just hope that he didn't bail. Oh, and on my settlement agreement it says that if he cancels visitation for ANY reason he has to pay a sitter. If he can't find one that I'm okay with then I will rearrange my schedule, however, he will have to pay me at rate of $15/hour! LOL


Now, if you do the 24 hour notice don't expect him to be thrilled about it. He'll still call at the last minute to see the baby. But, stick with it. Men are like toddlers,you just have to be consistant LOL


The only way that punk would see any electronics from ME is if he was looking up as each peice of equipment was dropped out of my window

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 11:00am

It is hard but you are totally right. It does break my heart when the baby asks for the "red truck", the color of the jerks car. Or when he says wanna see daddy. I just want to cry. But I keep it together and tell him your not gonna see daddy today, and just try to keep him preoccupied. This is the one thing I wished he hadnt done was step back in his life and then act half and half. It ticks me off so much that he's done this again. He called on Thursday, asking for the baby on Sunday and I told him I had a b-day party to take him to in the afternoon. Said what about saturday. Ofcourse he said he'd let me know then got pi$$ed about the furniture and that was that. He called me Friday and said he cant get him saturday.

Now if it was me, I would have said can I get him from say 9 - 3pm sunday. I would have been fine with that. It was then that I realized that I cant nor will I try anymore to force/encourage/suggest other alternatives for him to get the baby. He should think of these things on him own. It really makes me angry that he puts this gf before is own son especially on Saturdays. Why cant he see the baby and her together. Not that I really want that but wouldnt that be the logically thing to do.