Crushing Loneliness

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Crushing Loneliness
5
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:39pm

I think I am losing my mind. My X and I have been separated since Thanksgiving. I finally told him he had to leave because the online dating thing was getting out of control. (This was the last straw after an already very difficult relationship.) He actually gave out our home address to *one of* his online flings who started sending love cards to our house. ...not to mention the hang up phone calls, etc.... (He says he never "physically" cheated on me, though. Gee, I feel so much better....not.)

Anyway, we briefly reconnected and were attempting to reconcile. He told me that he had made a huge mistake, hated himself, was going to go to therapy to try to make himself a better person. He wanted to come home and be a better father. Swore that every single email account was closed, everything was over. Blah, blah, blah. You know, telling me everything I had always wanted to hear. So, in the midst of that he inadvertently sends me an email that was meant to go to someone else. A certain someone that he was trying to *hook up* with in the carnal sense. Duh on his part. So, he was trying to reconcile with me all the while still putting himself out there and playing the field. Either I was Plan B, or she was. Who knows.

But that just left me right back at square one. Betrayed yet again. I feel so stupid. And now I am feeling just so alone. I don't have very many friends. And the two close friends I have are happily married and consumed with their lives. I feel like I am going to be alone forever. I don't have any way of meeting someone. And the online dating thing terrifies me given my experience. (I basically assume that all people on these dating sites are just cheating on their spouses.) I know it's early, and I know I need to work on making myself a stronger person before I can be ready for a relationship, but I just really, really fear being alone for the rest of my life. It's all I can think about. Seriously, not a moment goes by without me thinking about how alone I am and, like I started out in this long rambling post, I think I'm losing my mind.

Sorry for the long rant, but I just could really use some words of wisdom from anyone who's been there. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:08pm

I am new at this... and I don't have many words of wisdom. But I would like to send you hugs... surround yourself with what friends and family you do have, maybe talk to a pastor or priest or something like that...or a counselor. I just signed up for match.com and am getting

 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:30am

First of all, you are NOT stupid. You are a caring woman who tried to salvage her marriage, and believed her husband and thought he was working on the marriage. That doesn't make you stupid, it shows that he is callous, calculating, and not worthy of your time. You can look at it this way, when he "accidentally" (maybe his subconscious got involved and sent it to you) sent you that e-mail, it allowed you to see him for who he truly is. You can now move on without guilt and without asking "what if".

I saw this quote on a divorce recovery website: Why keep getting on the merry-go-round? It has no destination. My marriage was a merry-go-round...the same fights over and over, with no resolution.

Hugs to you and frankly, I wouldn't worry about a man right now. Take care of YOU! And be careful of men who seek out newly divorced women. We are raw and vulnerable, with our self-esteem in the gutter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:47am
I haven't posted here much, but your post caught my eye because of the online dating stuff.....my H, from whom I am not quite yet divorced, has profiles on several sites and he lies on all of them. About his age, his education, etc.
I too look at those profiles and just have to think about him and all his lies and then I don't believe any of those guys! They're probably all married.
A friend of mine says she asks a guy for his Driver's License right away and if any of the information doesn't match what she's been told, she dumps him.
I'm sorry you're feeling down - even though you know you're better off without a liar and cheater, it can still be lonely. Do what people suggest - get out more, join a club you might like. I force myself to go out and I usually end up having a good time.
Good luck
Sophie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:59am
Hey, I like the driver's license idea! And to take it further, write down the name and other info. Make sure someone knows with whom you're meeting and checks on you. Maybe they could call mid-date? Guys have friends call...it's their way of checking out if they don't feel a connection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:46am
Trust me, you are not losing your mind! I have had the same feeling lately. I am not a religious person, but I am a spirtual person. I was to the point of hopelessness. I prayed to god to give me a sign I was not losing my mind. He did!! I think this comes with the territory of divorce. I have been thru deaths of my mother, father and my brother. I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I have been thru in my life. Not that the death of my family members were not hard. This is different, you are dealing with the death of a relationship, in some situations betrayal, and the fear of starting your whole life over again.
I am 42 years old and have been married to my husband for 7 years and with him in a relationship for 12 years. I will be filing for my divorce in May. We are still living together for the time being for financial reasons which we are working out. We are located in the Hurricane Katrina area and there are so maney people right now filing for divorce it is crazy. A couple who we were best friends with are also filing. It is good to have someone else to talk to who can relate to what you are going thru.
My husband realized one day he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I was devistated. I really never thought about my life without him. Since this time so much has changed. I realized how lonely I really was in our marriage and this was not the way a marriage was suppose to be. I have since emotionally distanced myself from this relationship and feel stronger because of it. It is not an easy road and do realize how you can say you are losing your mind. The loneliness sometimes is awful but I know somehow is will get better for us. Trust me,I don't think you will not be alone for the rest of your life. I think sometimes god puts us in these situations to learn lessons we need to learn so maybe we can be ready when our real true love comes into our lives.
To top all of this off. I met a person who I had a instant attraction and connection with. I know he felt the same. I met this person on a very professional basis. I could not let anything happen with this situation after our business was finished. I can honestly say I have never felt this way about a person in my whole life. My husband and I never had that connection when we met or in our marriage. How is that for fate! I have been dealing with this as well in my mind. But, I realize that you have to be a whole person to be able to offer yourself to someone else. I do not feel this is where I am right now.
I feel the situation was a test in itself from god to see where I am in my journey. If you look hard enought god will show you if your going in the right direction like sign posts in life. My whole point to this is that you have to look at this a personal journey and growth experience that for some reason not known, you must do. It is like a life test. You will know when the test has passed. You do not realize right now how empowered it will make you. It will, just give it time. Keep the faith and good luck to you..