Cupcake...& How to Keep Keeping On?
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| Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:06pm |
Until I read your synopsis (sp?!) just now of what you had been through, I really didn't have an overall picture of your divorce path.
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......."Sequence of events--filed for divorce 7/02, fight, fight, fight, divorce granted 1/03, more fighting, ex sued for full custody, I countersued, court-ordered custody evaluations, tens of thousands of dollars spent, numerous contempt hearings, 3 trial postponements over a period of a year and a half, jury custody trial scheduled for 9/05, ex finally gave up 8/05 with a settlement to the shared custody we have now. So you can see why I don't trust the court system.".........
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My gosh...you are so, so strong. I know your love for your children has fueled your ability to keep, "keeping on". Still, though it sounds stupid to say "Go Girl" in the midst of one of the most horrific life challenges, that is what I am doing..."Go Cupcake."
Of course you don't need to accept their total disrespect of you. You have righteous anger. And your ex is obviously continuing to do all he can to 'win'...this isn't about the children's best interests, he just wants to erase you. Unfortunately I know a little of what you are going through. I only hope I can find the resources to be able to fight as long as you have. Seeing your path agitates me, and makes me sad as I am well down the same one.
I keep keeping on, but I honestly only see that I am being noble in the 'trying' and don't have much of a real chance of actually achieving what is needed for the court to let my sweet ones stay with me 80-20 instead of placing them with him, or if they do put them with me, how in the world will I keep him from being able to come 'get them' when I cannot make enough money to pay the rent even for a place which will allow five children. He may someday get enough pressure from the cs agency to pay arrearage and cs on a regular basis; but I don't seem able to make it to the 'someday' part and so in the meantime he will get the children.
The part of me that spent over 12 years in the Marines says, "Don't Try: DO!"--to never, ever accept defeat ---but maybe for the first time in my life I have to accept that good does not always win over bad, that trying is what you must do, but just because you try really, really hard, doing all you can figure out to do, that still doesn't mean you will succeed.
I am glad you are so informed and that they can not really pull the wool over your eyes in regards to the legal climate in your state...I am sorry you are having to go through so much pain and anger.
I know for me, only one year into this muck, I often whisper to myself, "Please let this be over soon." That isn't on the horizon though. Endless motions of continuance by his (now third) lawyer; cs continuing to be paid not at all, partially, or on day of contempt letter, then skipped again. Trying his best to keep us from getting/being eligible for government assistance. I see the kids and my path being almost a mirror of the situation you have gone through.
I wish I had some family but I just don't, and the court knows that---just don't have any resources beyond neighbors and friends for emergency situations with the children; and any of those situations which do occur in normal life, ie if the truck breaks down and I can't transport the kids to and from school, if/when I lose a job, etc etc.---those kinds of situations are gotten through with a little help from friends, yes, but you can only ask friends to do so much. And any regular ongoing extra he does with or for the children, takes away from the percentage of time we each have them, thereby making it look like I am not responsible enough to take care of them on my 50%, and also he puts it in documentation to mean that he has them more % of the time and so should pay even less of the cs which he doesn't pay anyway...
I am trying real hard to get to a place mentally where I can logically look at this and say, I have tried as much as possible--I wish so much I could just turn off the emotions with a button.
I want to be selfish and keep thinking I can't/won't do that until the judge has someone from social services just come and pry my precious kids from my arms - but, I know I have to put their best interests first and not endanger them in some nightly shelter or to sleep in my truck etc. I can't do that to them, and stbx knows it, and his family knows it. So your phrase at the end of your post...that you wish you'd have stayed until the youngest was 18 hits home with me. I did stay as long as I could take it though; I was getting to the point of being dysfunctional and that would not have been good for the little ones either. I had to get out, and in reality, for the kids sake, should have much earlier, but now I am not smart enough to figure out a way to make enough money to take care of them and not lose them to him and hiss seriously dysfunctional, control freak but rich family.
And now, after his years long tirade about how he doesn't 'believe' in psychology, he has taken all of the courses the court ordered in our temp orders, including now having private therapy with some well known "Christian" psychiatrist, which he swore he would never do. But his new lawyer is apparently very good, and has talked him into playing the games he needs to if he wants to 'win' the custody case. I have only had the ability to take one of the court ordered classes as I cannot in any way come up with the money to pay for them, and there are no organizations which I have found which sponsors scholarships for them either; and while I can and am getting counseling from the women's shelter; she is not a phd/psychiatrist, but rather has an M.A. and is a psychologist, so doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the presiding judge.
I am on the waiting list for the public law center to assign a pro bono lawyer; but the list is long and I still have no lawyer. I am doing all I can to earn money with housecleaning, babysitting, washing cars for acquaintances etc, and have found a part time job but still no daycare for our special needs son so I can't work full time even if/when I find something until I can get an answer for that challenge. Applied for unemployment and they are having to go through some process before its approved; so won't know for another three weeks if that will be coming. He is just waiting til/when I am unable to pay the rent and get evicted. My credit is too horrible for anyone to rent to me because of the legal fees I paid to the lawyer I did have for the first five months when I files for the divorce, and had the children 80-20 at that time.
I am calling motels which allow weekly patrons; but none I have called so far will allow an adult and five children in, unless I pay for two rooms; and if and when I have to move to a motel or start staying in shelters, then stbx will find a way/file a new petition that the children are not 'safe' there and then I will lose even my 50% parenting time with them.
If I find a place that would work for my 15 yo son (who is with me full time at this point), like a motel room, then I will have to let the sd know I can't keep them overnight on my 50% parenting time. He will then say either 'Too bad, its your 50% time and if you can't take care of them then I guess you have to talk to the court and agree to a less % of time, or he will keep them from me other than allowing me to take them to a park or something like that for a couple hours visit. And yes, if I had a lawyer I could fight him and get a motion about that, but I don't. I could call the police to show up at his door and they would tell him he must let the children go with me...then the kids will be traumatized with that situation, and when I come to return them, he would be 'gone' and then what would I do with the little ones for the night? Let them sleep in the truck? With 5 children its not as easy to stay with friends even sweet ones who are willing to help...that is just so many people in a house you know. Go ask a friend if we can stay with them one night and then at another friends the next couple of nights? Damn.
In addition, most of the nightly shelters I have so far contacted have age limits on the children above 12, so what will I do for my 15 yo son if I have to try to take the little ones to a shelter? I certainly can't let him go sleep on the adult mens side of the shelter alone, that would a) make him upset and b) not be safe etc. I could find friends he could stay with short term, but you know stbx will use that in his case against me too.
These are not 'possible' things which may happen, but very probably are going to real soon. Since the judge is deciding mainly based on the economic situation, and the Psych Eval (which said both parents were bonded well with children and that the children love both of us, but emphasized that the father having better financial provision and an extended family unit would be potentially more 'stable' for the children), and on whether I actually do have a place for the children to live and etc, its really getting to a bleak point around here.
One foot in front of the other is turning into a lot of misteps, but I am helped so much to see women like you Momsacupcake who have it figured out and who are able to fight the vileness of their ex's. I wish you didn't have to, and I pray for you that for some reason the sm and your ex will refocus on some kind of life of their own and stop trying to eradicate you at some point soon. Annah
