Curious...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Curious...
7
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 11:36am

Hello all!
I am new here to this board and have a lot of questions. Some are my own and some are on behalf of friends who haven't discovered message boards but desperately want answers. I hope I am in the right place and welcome any feedback you can share with me. Here are my first two questions...

Regarding divorce...how can a person love another enough to have a baby...stay together...get married...build a home...build a family - - - - but still want out? I really need an answer to this and am totally in the dark. I honestly don't understand it, but would love some answers!!! Thanks.

From a male friend of mine...

When you have a family and love your kids and don't want to lose them...what do you do if you meet another woman that you love? What is obligation? What is personal? What is right - for everyone??? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 4:14pm

I am probably going to get on a soapbox while answering these so forgive me...

First, the reason people fall in love, build a family and then want out is because they don't understand love. They understand infatuation and lust. Marriage can get boring and in order to make a lasting relationship, two people have to WORK at it. They have to try to reconnect, find hobbies together etc. They also have to understand that there will just be down times, period. There will be days/weeks when you just don't like your partner very much. However, there's this vow we all take that says we will stay in spite of all of this. We vow to make it work. Love is a choice that we all make and agape love (the kind that belongs in a marriage) is not based on emotion but rather on action and attitude. The way for a marriage to last is for TWO people to enter a union with serious thought and for TWO people to take their vows seriously. When the marriage turns south, TWO people need to work to put it back on track. Sometimes things happen in life and one partner steps back (loss of a child, can't get pregnant, loss of a parent etc) and the other partner just sticks it out, nurtures and supports the partner with issues until he/she can reengage. A mate is suppose to be that person that has your back. The one that can pick up your slack temporarily and the one whose slack you will pick up. It isn't easy and it isn't always fun. That's why we take a vow.

Now, many times marriages start getting boring or people grow apart and then one partner decides to focus on something outside of the marriage and instead of turning toward the marriage. The straying partner thinks he/she is "in love" when it is just infatuation and lust again. True, honest, agape love doesn't exist without commitment so there is no way the straying partner can really be "in love". What grown up, responsible parents need to do is end his/her affair and start putting that effort toward the marriage. Yes, sometimes you try and the other partner just won't. No, people shouldn't be doomed to stay in a loveless (defined as a union with a partner that is not make the decision to love and make effort) marriage. However, most of the time no real effort is made to repair a marriage because in our drive thru, microwave world people want a quick path to happiness and most of the time they think that means leaving and starting fresh. Unfortunately, all relationships go through the same stages so the new relationship will find itself in a lull eventually as well. Add the complications of blended families to the mix and you haven't done yourself a favor by starting over. If you have kids, it is your responsiblity to do everything within your power to fix your marriage before you begin to think about leaving it. That's what grown ups do. Unfortunately, there aren't many grown ups around these days.

So that's my soapbox opinion for the day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 8:10pm

New to the board - maybe I can tell you my situation and help a little.
Married 10 yrs to a great guy. About 8 yrs into it, I realized I was attracted to someone I met at a meeting - we had a one night talk all night session which led to one kiss. And I realized there was something missing in my marriage. I had this connection with this guy that was unbelievable - it was what I thought things would be like - and I never had this with my H. I went back to my marriage and tried to fix it, sort of. Last summer I had what I thought was going to be a one night stand. But he called the next week adn we started an A. I really thought I was going to have a little fun but I'd never leave my H. I fell in love. So I have a totally great guy, and now I meet "the one". My MM and I have this connection that I just can't explain. My H found out about the A, and I moved out, feeling so incredibly awful that I hurt my H, embarassed about the A. My H and I went to marriage counseling, but I didn't want to stop seeing the MM so it never went anywhere. So now I'm getting divorced. Still with MM - he's left his wife too. She doesn't know he wants a divorce yet but that was supposed to happen today at marriage counseling.
What happened to my marriage? We were both living seperate lives, connecting at dinner with friends a few times a week. We never talked about who we really are, what we love, what we need. As a result, my H took over my life, made all the decisions and I let it happen, being an observer in my own life. I got resentful, and began feeling like something was missing. I guess I could have fixed it with a lot of work. But I couldn't figure out how to let my MM go. I feel awful. I feel awful about a lot of things - that I was married for 10 yrs and threw it away, that I made a promise before God and my family that I would stay married forever. I do love my H, but I have irreparably ruined our relationship.
So where am I now. Not so pretty a situation. I am wallowing in my misery right now - and I guess I deserve it.
I am now seperated, my H filed for divorce 3 weeks ago, living in my own place, and 1/3 of my salary goes to my husband for spousal support. For 3 years. My H is hurt, destroyed. All of my friends have sided with my H and my phone doesn't ring all weekend. I have two close friends from work but we really don't do things on the weekend together. My sister who lives in my town doesn't call me. I am so lonely I can barely stand it. My MM is with his older daughter this weekend and we can't talk until he takes her home. And he lives in another part of the state so I only see him every other weekend, if that, anyway. I would love to go and have a glass of wine at a restaurant but I have no one to call to do that with me.
But the flip side is I do love MM. And we want to be together. I never wanted children but yet I met this man and want more than ever to have a baby with him.
So there you have it. Hope this helps.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 9:21pm

Here here kbach!!! I couldn't agree more.

I don't believe those in a marriage should have friendships w/ members of the opposite sex that do not include the spouse. That doesn't mean they can't be friendly at work, but it does mean no long conversations about personal things while at work, no conversations after work, no meeting at any time for any reason. If someone finds themself having feelings for someone other than their spouse, I think they should take the energy they would have used courting this new person (phone calls just to say hi, flowers, getting dressed up, new hair/make up) and put it back into their marriage. And, of course, stop talking to the person they were having lusty feelings for.

A lifetime is a long time. You can't expect to swoon forever, but when it starts to fade, you can expect to work at bringing it back into the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:34am
You are right. Part of our vows mean that we will take care and protect our union. The means that we watch our actions and situation that we put ourselves in. My stbx would go out on the road, drink and hook up with women. I, on the other hand, wouldn't EVER drink more than one when we were apart because I knew that alcohol messes with judgement. I cringe when people say they've met their "soul mate" while married. How can you possibly know? You don't get to really know each other because you are sneaking around. You have no idea what this person will be like in the bad times. You already know this person will stray when the relationship gets boring because that is what he/she is doing now. Affairs are not real life. They are escapes. This is why only 3-5% of relationships that start while still married to someone else make it. Still, people will continue to fool themselves and destroy families. It just saddens me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 2:13pm
paphillygirl, I just wanted to applaud you for your honesty, candor, and willingness to share your story. I think it's good for us to have many different perspectives here on the board.




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:45pm

I would love to be married to someone like Kbach...... that was a very nice message

Kenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 5:16pm

Thanks...I wasn't expecting anyone to support me actually. This is just a topic that I feel shouldn't be sugar coated however so I just get on my soapbox and take the attacks. I must say though, this is a great board so even when people disagree (which is ok), they do it politely. Thanks for the compliment.

kimberly