Custody
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| Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:52am |
I filed for divorce over a month ago. My husband is stalling and making things difficult. When I filed for divorce, I had just gotten sick of everything. The emotional and mental abuse had finally gotten to much for me. My husband had gone for over a year and a half without telling me he loved me. He never hugged me or kissed me. I was starved for affection. I've never cheated on him - until after he moved out of the house and I had filed for divorce. Two weeks after he moved out, I did something really stupid. I went out with a male friend of mine and he held me and he let me cry and he offered me some of the things that I have needed for so long. It's not an ongoing affair. I don't love him and I'm not in a relationship of anything more than friends.
I found out since that my husband had already hired a private investigator to follow me. I don't know what he knows. Can he get custody of our kids if it comes out that I did this even though it was after he moved out? I've been very adament about the fact that there is not another man in my life. I don't know anything about divorce/custody cases where adultery is involved. I know it's still adultery since the divorce isn't final. He told me that he is going to fight me for custody of the kids and that he'll win. I'm an excellent mother, I have the higher income, and the kids are better off emotionally and physically with me. But, can he take them from me on the grounds that I committed adultery?

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No. Committing adultery has nothing to do with the welfare of your children or what kind of parent you are. He would have to prove that what you did had a direct, negative and really bad impact on your children and there is no way to do that (unless the children were in the backseat watching or left home alone while you were off with this man, and I doubt that was the case). Having you followed after you filed for divorce is a waste of his money.
What you can do to protect yourself when you go to court is start a log book. Write down everything you do for your children, including taking them to the doctor, buying them clothes, feeding them healthy meals, tucking them in each night. Then take lots of pictures of video's of your children to show they are happy and healthy. You may never need this, but if he comes in with accusations that the children are not fed or clothed or happy... you just whip our your handy notebook and picture album and prove him wrong on the spot.
In cases like these the judge often assigns a guardian ad litum (GAL) as representative for the children in court (compared to the attorney's, who represent each of you). The GAL interviews the children, the parents and whoever else they want to (maybe teacher and other family members) and makes a recommendation of custody to the court. What you don't want to do is ever look like you are preventing a relationship between the children and their dad, and you want to document in your trusty notebook anything you do to encourage their relationship (like 1/1/05 offered STBX and extra night of visitation, he refused saying I was a "loser b*tch" and hung up the phone). Don't say or document anything negative unless it is a quote or a stated fact. If the GAL see's that you are open to co-parenting and your ex is the one bad mouthing you and making life difficult, you won't have much to worry about in court.
>>>I was told that he had free access to the house and the kids until the divorce was final.<<<
Do you have an attorney? You really really really need one. It's hard not having you parents in your corner, and it's hard having to fight against an unreasonable STBX, but with a good attorney on your side the important stuff WILL get taken care of. What the police said about him having access to the house is not true, but you need an attorney to go into court and get the right to keep him out.
Here is my suggestion: Is there a Womens Resource Center anywhere nearby you? Is there a Domestic Violence phone # you can call? What this "man" is doing to you is emotional abuse. Are you in fear of him? Yes, it sure sounds like it if he is filing FALSE accusastions w/ the police dept, he has someone FOLLOWING you ... Has he ever threatened or insinuated physical harm to you? I am not sure, but i bet you could get a RO based on what he is doing - & his refusingt o leave the house, etc. I have one on my STBX, he wasnt ever very phsycial, but he threatened SO much ... i got really scared. & let me tell you, the BEST thing about the RO, now that i am not as scared physically of him, is that he cannot get to me EMOTIONALLY. I coudlnt IMAGINE staying strong, going thru the filing of the divorce or staying sane, if he was able to contact me & beg or threaten or play on my guilt.
If i can be of any help, E me NwptRN@Yahoo.com Stay strong! R~
Ok - lets look at this. Your atty thinks you are paranoid. PLEASE find a new one. PLEASE call a Womens Hotline & get some advice & direction on this. They can often recommend good attys in cases like this. It may not be out & out abuse, but i bet if you think about it, from what you have said here, he is emotionally/verbally abusive. NORMAL men, or women, do not act like this ... even in the face of divorce. Most attys, from what i know, will return the retainer that is left over, if you leave them. Inquire how this works in your attys office. You CANNOT have an atty who you dont trust ... or who says something to you liek you are parnaoid ... when your STBX is having you FOLLOWED AND threatening to take custody. This is your life & your KIDS lives you are fighting for - even IF that $800 is gone, you need to do something to get teh $ for an atty who is willing to fight for YOU.
Best of luck, R~
Please, please, please... call the hotline or a local shelter/center for domestic abuse. Your husband's behavior is NOT normal, and threatening to kill you (even subversively) is abuse... along with threatening to keep or gain full custody of the kids.
I've finally left the house in my situation, and have just started the process for divorce, custody, and support. He doesn't know that I'm not coming back yet... he can find out when he gets served. My husband has spent years telling me to just leave the house (without our son, saying that I don't deserve to have him since I've given up on the marriage), and has threatened me with not being able to have custody - so at this point, I'm not going to threaten him back. I'm just taking action to protect myself, and our son. He wants to threaten custody... he has to PROVE that I'm an unfit mother to the courts... and the courts around here prefer primary custody with visitation.
Anyway... get some counseling. I am finding that working with a DV counselor (through a local shelter) has been better for me in two visits than 5 years with my previous therapist! (... and it's free).
Best to you,
Phoenix
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