Custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Custody
14
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:52am

I filed for divorce over a month ago. My husband is stalling and making things difficult. When I filed for divorce, I had just gotten sick of everything. The emotional and mental abuse had finally gotten to much for me. My husband had gone for over a year and a half without telling me he loved me. He never hugged me or kissed me. I was starved for affection. I've never cheated on him - until after he moved out of the house and I had filed for divorce. Two weeks after he moved out, I did something really stupid. I went out with a male friend of mine and he held me and he let me cry and he offered me some of the things that I have needed for so long. It's not an ongoing affair. I don't love him and I'm not in a relationship of anything more than friends.

I found out since that my husband had already hired a private investigator to follow me. I don't know what he knows. Can he get custody of our kids if it comes out that I did this even though it was after he moved out? I've been very adament about the fact that there is not another man in my life. I don't know anything about divorce/custody cases where adultery is involved. I know it's still adultery since the divorce isn't final. He told me that he is going to fight me for custody of the kids and that he'll win. I'm an excellent mother, I have the higher income, and the kids are better off emotionally and physically with me. But, can he take them from me on the grounds that I committed adultery?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:24am

No. Committing adultery has nothing to do with the welfare of your children or what kind of parent you are. He would have to prove that what you did had a direct, negative and really bad impact on your children and there is no way to do that (unless the children were in the backseat watching or left home alone while you were off with this man, and I doubt that was the case). Having you followed after you filed for divorce is a waste of his money.

What you can do to protect yourself when you go to court is start a log book. Write down everything you do for your children, including taking them to the doctor, buying them clothes, feeding them healthy meals, tucking them in each night. Then take lots of pictures of video's of your children to show they are happy and healthy. You may never need this, but if he comes in with accusations that the children are not fed or clothed or happy... you just whip our your handy notebook and picture album and prove him wrong on the spot.

In cases like these the judge often assigns a guardian ad litum (GAL) as representative for the children in court (compared to the attorney's, who represent each of you). The GAL interviews the children, the parents and whoever else they want to (maybe teacher and other family members) and makes a recommendation of custody to the court. What you don't want to do is ever look like you are preventing a relationship between the children and their dad, and you want to document in your trusty notebook anything you do to encourage their relationship (like 1/1/05 offered STBX and extra night of visitation, he refused saying I was a "loser b*tch" and hung up the phone). Don't say or document anything negative unless it is a quote or a stated fact. If the GAL see's that you are open to co-parenting and your ex is the one bad mouthing you and making life difficult, you won't have much to worry about in court.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:36am
He's so intimidating that I'm really freaking out. He wouldn't leave my house the other night because he was demanding that I talk to him about a second chance. I told him no and asked him to leave. He said he wasn't leaving until I talked to him. When I picked up the phone to call the police, he grabbed his cell phone and he called them. He has lots of friends on the force. I don't know if it was one of his friends that showed up or not, but he lied to her. He told her that he was still living in the house, when he had been out for over a month (living with MY parents). He told her I shoved him down the stairs and filed a report against ME. I didn't shove him down the stairs, I brushed passed him as I ran down the stairs to get to my kids that he was trying to get loaded up in his vehicle to take them with him. They made him leave, but wouldn't make him relinquish his keys and garage door opener. I was told that he had free access to the house and the kids until the divorce was final. They won't file a restraining order because he hasn't physically harmed me. He manipulates and twists everything I say to the point where I won't say anything at all for fear of what he'll say. He said he was coming back the next night to pick up stuff from the house that he needed for his new apartment. I couldn't handle the thought of it, and I took the kids and went to my sisters house four hours and another state away. I may get fired from my job for leaving, but I was so scared and upset I couldn't think straight and I asked for vacation days and the boss got really pissed off. I don't have anyone there besides my parents and they are siding with him. My mom thinks that divorce is a huge unpardonable sin and that God is going to rain down fire and brimstone on my head for leaving him even knowing that I was miserable. Then yesterday he called me and told me he was going to fight me for the kids. I've never been this scared in my life. It's when I got here that I realized I was being followed. The investigators were stupid enough to ask my sisters neighbors if they could park in the yard to do surveilence and left their business card...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:48am

>>>I was told that he had free access to the house and the kids until the divorce was final.<<<

Do you have an attorney? You really really really need one. It's hard not having you parents in your corner, and it's hard having to fight against an unreasonable STBX, but with a good attorney on your side the important stuff WILL get taken care of. What the police said about him having access to the house is not true, but you need an attorney to go into court and get the right to keep him out.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 12:13pm
My attorney told me that because it was the marital home he legally still had every right to come and go as he pleases. I've paid her $850 and she's acting like I'm paranoid. She says that he hasn't shown any signs of hurting me or the kids and that there is nothing I can do. I don't have the money to get another attorney. And it's going to cost me another $700 that I don't have if he decides to contest when he goes to his lawyer today. Which since he told me that he was going to fight for the kids last night when he called, I'm sure he is going to contest. I'm going to sell my engagement ring to get the $700. (that is if I don't get fired from my job Monday morning)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 12:19pm
Well, take a deep breath. Ask your attorney what her opinion is of what will happen if he fights for custody. Right or wrong, it is very hard for a father to get sole custody. The most he can hope for is joint physical custody and for that he will need to prove he can work with you to effectively co-parent, and he will need you to agree to it (joint *legal* custody is something else, that says he has the right along with you to make major life decisions for the children, joint physical means he will get more time than every-other-weekend visitation and sometimes it means 50/50 shared physical custody). Most courts will not sign off on joint physical custody unless the mother wants it and both parties prove they can work together (unfortunately IMHO, but in your case it might be a good thing). You should know what kind of custody your attorney is asking for. Is she filing for sole physical custody for you? If so, he would probably have to prove you were unfit in order to get custody away from you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:14pm

Here is my suggestion: Is there a Womens Resource Center anywhere nearby you? Is there a Domestic Violence phone # you can call? What this "man" is doing to you is emotional abuse. Are you in fear of him? Yes, it sure sounds like it if he is filing FALSE accusastions w/ the police dept, he has someone FOLLOWING you ... Has he ever threatened or insinuated physical harm to you? I am not sure, but i bet you could get a RO based on what he is doing - & his refusingt o leave the house, etc. I have one on my STBX, he wasnt ever very phsycial, but he threatened SO much ... i got really scared. & let me tell you, the BEST thing about the RO, now that i am not as scared physically of him, is that he cannot get to me EMOTIONALLY. I coudlnt IMAGINE staying strong, going thru the filing of the divorce or staying sane, if he was able to contact me & beg or threaten or play on my guilt.

If i can be of any help, E me NwptRN@Yahoo.com Stay strong! R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:15pm
Which also a RO will do as well. R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:19pm

Ok - lets look at this. Your atty thinks you are paranoid. PLEASE find a new one. PLEASE call a Womens Hotline & get some advice & direction on this. They can often recommend good attys in cases like this. It may not be out & out abuse, but i bet if you think about it, from what you have said here, he is emotionally/verbally abusive. NORMAL men, or women, do not act like this ... even in the face of divorce. Most attys, from what i know, will return the retainer that is left over, if you leave them. Inquire how this works in your attys office. You CANNOT have an atty who you dont trust ... or who says something to you liek you are parnaoid ... when your STBX is having you FOLLOWED AND threatening to take custody. This is your life & your KIDS lives you are fighting for - even IF that $800 is gone, you need to do something to get teh $ for an atty who is willing to fight for YOU.

Best of luck, R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:43pm
Thank you...I never thought of that. I'll check and see if there is a center in my area. He has threatened but it was a long time ago. He held a gun to my head and pulled the trigger back 11 or 12 years ago when I told him I wasn't scared of him and he said "You should be". I should've left then but I didn't. He uses words and intimidation. He knows all the police and lawyers in our small town. He acts like it's a who you know game. He spent years telling me if I ever left him no one would ever find the body, and making jokes about it. But never in the presense of anyone and of course, it's his word against mine. He says no one will believe me over him. He's very careful and very manipulative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:24pm

Please, please, please... call the hotline or a local shelter/center for domestic abuse. Your husband's behavior is NOT normal, and threatening to kill you (even subversively) is abuse... along with threatening to keep or gain full custody of the kids.

I've finally left the house in my situation, and have just started the process for divorce, custody, and support. He doesn't know that I'm not coming back yet... he can find out when he gets served. My husband has spent years telling me to just leave the house (without our son, saying that I don't deserve to have him since I've given up on the marriage), and has threatened me with not being able to have custody - so at this point, I'm not going to threaten him back. I'm just taking action to protect myself, and our son. He wants to threaten custody... he has to PROVE that I'm an unfit mother to the courts... and the courts around here prefer primary custody with visitation.

Anyway... get some counseling. I am finding that working with a DV counselor (through a local shelter) has been better for me in two visits than 5 years with my previous therapist! (... and it's free).

Best to you,
Phoenix

Pages