Custody Arrangements
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Custody Arrangements
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:30am |
I was wondering what other people's custody arrangements are. We've got ladies with
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:30am |
I was wondering what other people's custody arrangements are. We've got ladies with
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Ours has been a mess. We have joint custody (I guess it is both legal and physical) - my son spends about 85% of his time with me.
When we were working on the parenting plan and trying to lay out a visitation schedule, the ex would never say what he wanted to do, his words were: "Just write something down. I am going to be coming over nearly every day, anyway." So I put down 4:30 to 7:30 Thursday and 10 to 2 Saturday. He also swore he wanted to go to a 50/50 arrangement when our son was older and his life 'had settled down more'. (My sil laughed a bit when I told her that and said it would likely never happen.)
Once I was moved out, the ex certainly did not come over 'nearly every day'. We ended up having him visit on Tuesday nights from about 5 to 8 or 8:30, had the Thursday visit from 4:30 to 8 or 8:30 and then Saturday was whatever time suited him. After a few months, he began taking ds overnight on Saturdays.
When he began dating, he said that he would keep the same schedule as our ds was a 'high priority' - he broke that promise within two months. I let him change weekend and weekday visits, there were a lot of changes when he got really serious with his fiancee last summer - and it totally flipped out my son - not to mention it was a big pain in the b*** for me as I could not plan anything for myself because of the constant changes. (Yes, I know, I had 'doormat' written on my forehead.)
My son started to refuse going on his visits to his Dad. I finally insisted to my ex that our son needed consistency and what did he think he could actually commit to and stay committed to. We finally ended up with the Tuesday visit and a Friday visit at 6:30 to Saturday at 3 pm. That way he could go out of town, etc., with the gf on weekends. He has managed to stick pretty closely to this. When he wants extra time, I give it to him. He has only missed a few of his scheduled times with our ds.
Once he got engaged, then I asked when he wanted to move to 50/50 at the meeting where we three met. He said he didn't think he would be ready for that for a few more years. The gf was there and I believe it was the first she'd heard of a 50/50 set-up. Within a few days, I got a message from her saying that they 'didn't want to hurt my feelings' and that they were happy with the current visitation and were not going to ask for anything different.
That actually suits me fine. I do not trust the ex and with him having looked at so much porn in the past (included some child porn) - I really do not want my ds spending much time with his Dad. Also, I believe my son is a high-functioning-autistic and I don't think he would have tolerated a 50/50 split very well. I could be wrong on that...I do not know. I plan on finding out what I can now that I have begun working on getting my son evaluated for this.
Sorry this got so long...... MORAL OF THE STORY: I wish I had not let my ex manipulate me so much. Stand up for yourself and for what is right for your kids. Get a good lawyer and find out what your rights are.
I wish I'd handled things differently, but I let the ex bully me into not getting a lawyer; neither one of us went to a lawyer at the time. By the time I'd even heard that supervised visits were possible, I had no evidence of his apparent porn addiction. So I kind of feel stuck. I definitely have learned a lot of lessons in the past two years and I am doing my best to not let the ex control and manipulate me like he did for the first two years after the divorce was final.
I am currently trying to work on rewriting our parenting plan so that it reflects what we are currently doing. I had two different versions of it and asked him for his copy as I did not know which had been filed with the court...and his copy was different from the two copies I had - and I DID NOT like and do not recall agreeing to what actually got filed. Geez - what a mess! When the ex offered to have his lawyer do the parenting plan - I said, "No thanks!" - with a big smile!!! I'll be doing that myself, thank you very much!
Edited 4/1/2006 12:04 am ET by abbynwb
I would love to talk to you about the military aspect of things regarding divorce, visitation and all. My husband is active duty military and we are using a military attorney to get our legal separation. Please feel free to email me privately or post here. Thanks.
free2bme2day@hotmail.com
We managed to get the supervised visitation because of my dd's (then 3 yo) allegations against him, his drinking (and driving with me and the girls in the car), his emotional abuse and his drug use (which he admitted to me but is now denying). When she initially came forward, I started to supervise the visits and he really didn't object because he had the time with me and I still did what I would do when we were still a family (cook, make the plates, clean up, etc). Later I realised she wasn't getting better and things could still be happening (even with me supervising). Unfortunately when I asked her, she admitted that things were.
The judge pretty much decided to error on the side of safety for the children and ordered supervised visits. We're also going through a custody evaluation where I'm repeating everything that she's done and said. The Dr. says he won't be able to find that there has been molestation, that would be up to the judge. I'm just hoping he finds enough wrong that he recommends that there be supervised visits.
The court date where we present all the evidence is May 9th. I just hope that this judge does the same thing as the last one and errors on the side of safety.
Threats of stealing your children are definite causes for concern. If you haven't already gotten a judgement, have your lawyer bring it up. Perhaps they can do something to prevent him from being alone with them. If you have already gotten a judgement, talk to your lawyer about going back to court. I know the laws are different in the different states so hopefully you can do something to protect your kids.
Good luck!
We have joint responsibility for our two children.
We decided to split the week because: we live VERY close to one another; STBX works evenings, weekends, and most holidays; STBX helps care for our youngest who is not in school during the mornings while I am at work; and when we first separated we thought more than a few days was too long for our youngest to be away from either of us.
Our kids stay with me Sunday - Wednesday nights. They stay at their father's house on Thursday and Friday nights one week and then Thursday - Saturday nights the next. They spend most of his Saturday nights with their grandparents since he works late, but the kids really enjoy being with them too. Thursday and Friday are STBX's days off from work.
We both attend as many of our oldest's extracurricular activities as we can. Both sets of grandparents help fill in the gaps to avoid us relying on paid child care.
Some people worry that our children may feel like their passed around a lot. For example, in the course of one day our youngest who is not in school may wake up at my house, spend a few hours with his daddy, eat lunch and take a nap at his his paternal grandmother's, spend a couple hours with my parents and his big sister back at my house after school hours, and then I'm home again shortly after 5pm. We've decided that we'd risk our children feeling like they are being passed around a little in order for them to always be with someone who they know loves them.
"passed around"????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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