Custody Evaluation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Custody Evaluation
8
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 5:38pm

Has anyone gone through a custody evaluation?

I moved out in October 2003, he filed (I can't call him a STBX, because he's dragging things along as much as possible, so the "soon" doesn't apply) in mid-November 2003. I left because he was verbally/emotionally abusive. Although he never spent more than 5 minutes a day with the kids and hardly ever spent time with us on family outings (unless we were invited over to one of his friend's homes), he wants joint custody and wants to see them 50% of the time.

My main reason for being against this is because he's verbally and emotionally abusive, and I can already see how he's trying to control and manipulate our 5 yo DD.

I'm just wondering if anyone went through an evaluation or knows anything about them.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 1:18am

I am currently going through a custody review after divorcing an abusive ex. We have both asked for sole custody. He also spent next to no time with son and was actually abusive to him as well. I am sure the rules are different where you are, but I can tell you what is happening in my case. Because the ex refuses to drop his application for custody (oh, boy, I shouldn't get started on THAT) the judge had to appoint a court psych to evaluate each parent, the child, and each parent WITH the child. This is apparently taking two sessions. I have been to the first, and they have first looked at the relationship between him and me. I think they guessed that it is aweful. He hates with all the hate of a demon, and I distrust like a person should distrust a demon. Negotiations are hopeless. They also spoke to my son. They asked him a little about me, what it is like living with me, and asked him to draw some pictures. I think they use pictures to help figure out the situation. They spoke with the ex, but no info at the moment.

They have asked for all to return to asked additional questions. Types of questions are 'what do you forsee the future of your son and his relationship with the other parent as', 'what is your parenting style', 'what have you done to try and promote a relationship (or not) between son and other parent'. They want to know about where the child lives now, where he WILL live, what kind of schooling will he have or has now, who is also involved in the raising of the child, how long the child has lived in the household, any other relevant information. They may even ask you to play a particular game with son to see your parenting style.

The psych then writes a report over several weeks, then presents it to the court and to both parties. I suppose it will recommend who gets custody. The side who gets the unfavorable review will probably request an appeal and it goes back into the court for perhaps one more session. It will then be up to that party to explain why there are grounds to challenge the review. The judge will decide if it is warranted, and perhaps request further discussion or make a dicision there.

I have no experience with joint custody and so can't say a word about it. From what I understand, they will usually use the review to decide who gets what percentage of custody and choose which household is considered the primary household. Of course, then fixed visitation schedules have to be negotiated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 8:18am
Hello I'm new my name is Denise, I was reading ur ? what is it u wanna know I'v been going through the same thing for the past five years, my ex was an is still abusive in every way , we hav a 6 year old daughter and we always in a battle over her, we hav joint custody, but she livs w/him , and I get her weekends, and some holidays, anyways the evaluations u go through is like home cheeck they come an look around in ur home , they even go too the extent as too see who and what type ok people u hang out with, they look at how stable of a life u hav an can provide for the childern, I hope this helps u, if u wanna know any thing more just ask I just may know, oh yes another thing abusive men in my oppian will use the childern as a form of control its thire way of holding on too u and still controlling u ,
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:58am

Hi Chrissy!


I have gone through one custody evalutation that was very unfavorable towards my X (and his environment).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:27pm

Thanks hglucky, Denise, and Melanie.

hglucky, negotiations are hopeless in my divorce too, becase he refuses to negotiate anything, which is totally and completely ridiculous, but I totally relate to what you're going through.

Denise, I really just wanted to know what to expect. What you wrote totally helped. And, he's already using them to control me. He isn't paying any child support, and my wages are being garnished because he (of course) maxed out my credit cards and didn't bother paying the bills. So, I recently asked him for some money to buy spring/summer clothes for the kids, and he said he would buy them. I have yet to receive anything. Meanwhile, he's paying almost $800/month for his Expedition (he ruined his own credit too), and around $1700/month for his luxury apartment complete with a gym, pool, and tennis court, while we live with my parents, until I can get my finances straightened out. Thanks for letting me vent.

Melanie, I guess I'm new at this divorce thing. What's the GAL report?
My husband sounds like yours. If he doesn't like something, he tries to drag me to court, only to get reprimanded by the judge for wasting the court's time. It's too bad I live in a no-fault/community property state (CA) -- it's totally working against me. And it's too bad divorces aren't granted on moral grounds, because both our husband's would get life sentences.

I wish all of you the very best.

Thanks again for all the info.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:50pm

I am in almost exactly your situation, 5 yr old, a VERY abusive X who tried also for joint custody ... the difference is that my H *was* very close to dd & actually was very good to her until the very end where he was desperate & did & said some horrid things in front of her ... We got a GAL appointed & i was just awarded "physical possesion" & we have joint custody. I cant possibly go into all my details ... but you can read back on here, the Divorce

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 6:38pm

I've been documenting incidents, like when my kids come home and tell me that their dad told them that I don't love them or that I'm bad. I've also saved all the emails he sent me.

I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). My SIL is a therapist and showed me a list of the symptoms, and he had every single one. He became abusive when I figured out how he financially ruined us and me and then he just never let up... he also never bothered to pay the bills (but that's another story).

If we do end up having the evaluation, I'm going to bring this up. I also have a 3-ring binder that lists the reasons why I don't think he should have extended periods of time with the kids along with proof, such as emails or things the kids have told me.

My DD and DS are 5 & 3, so I don't know how credible the evaluator will find her and him to be.

I'm not against him seeing them at all, it's just that his control/manipulation/ intimidation is already affecting our daughter. I think my son is too young to be affected right now. I'm just worried about him getting worse as they get older and try to stand up for themselves, because I know that he'll totally lash out at them.

I'm hoping that the court will make him go through therapy or counseling or something, so he can work out his issues... but who knows.

My 5 y.o. DD has already figured out that it's easier for her to just agree with him or give him the answer he's looking for. She's already told me that she's lied to him, because she didn't want him to get mad at her several times.

I was wondering what DV is, because you mentioned that you got therapy for your daughter. I tried to go through my insurance company, but the therapists I spoke with all thought she was too young, so I went instead, and they gave me some coping skills and techniques that have been somewhat helpful.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for all the info. It really was helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 9:27pm
Chrissy, "DV" is Domestic Violence. I wanted you to be sure that you know that emotional & verbal abuse IS considered Domestiv Violence. I am glad you are keeping the records you have been. Our GAL (Gauridan ad Litum), the alwyer appointed by the court to evaluate the parenting AND the child, absolutely took what our daughter, 5, had to say as truth. We had a LOT of the "mommy threw me out, she took everything away from me" etc, going on here. That type of thing IS very damaging to kids, & i think courts are recognizing it more often. Good luck! R~
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 6:40pm
Thanks for the info. I find out tomorrow (5/26), if we're actually going through with the custody evaluation.