custody question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
custody question
7
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 5:07pm

I have just transfered here from the betrayed spouse board. I filed for divorce yesterday after a year and a half of trying to rebuid on my part but being strung along by my husband. He has informed me that he will be moving in June to be closer (20 minutes) to the OW but 3000 miles away from me and our 8 year old daughter. He is in the military and will only be able to fly home once or twice a year.
I applied for sole custody (legal and physical). And I guess that now I am questioning if I did the right thing. I have every intention of letting him see her, his family see her,asking his opinions and keeping him informed on everything. I know that he loves her but during the past eight years he really hasn't shown any initiative to do anything with her and during this past 1 1/2 years after he moved out (3 minutes by car) he has seen her less and less. DD loves her Dad but is starting to feel uncomfortable around him like he is becoming a stranger or more of a favorite uncle instead of a Dad. I think that it is because of lazyness. He always has an excuse--too tired, too busy, headache, she get's bored with me...But I know for a fact that on evenings that he couldn't take her for what ever reason that he has been on the phone or MSN chat with OW. I guess that I'm thinking --"he wasn't thinking of DD when he was 3000 miles away and his pants were around his ankles, or when he accepted the posting to the other side of the country, or when he decided that taking his daily after work nap, working on his computer and talking with his girlfriend are more pressing that spending some quality time with his daughter." But are these reasons good enough for sole custody? He has never harmed her and in his own way he only wants what is best for her. I am concerned that I may be doing this out of revenge but everyone thinks it is the best choice. One woman said that it will help to have sole custody down the road if anything comes up. What does she mean? what kind of stunt could he pull. Can any one enlighten me as I've never gone thrugh this before. I thought that I knew my husband but this past year has shown me that he can be very deceitful,hurtful, is not as strong as I thought he was and he is very screwed up. He has admitted this but says that he has to be with her (OW) eventhough he's pretty sure that they aren't going to last.

Any insight would be appreciated

Thank You

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 5:30pm

If he's going to be that far away, I wouldn't see any problem in getting sole custody. He is pretty much indicating that OW is more important than his own flesh and blood. Just because you have sole custody doesn't mean he won't have contact with his daughter. You can do your best to have your daughter know her father - but if he's not interested, there is really nothing that can be done.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 9:51pm

What she probably meant by "it will help to have sole custody down the road if anything comes up" is that down the road if you disagree on something you can disregard his opinion because you have sole legal and physical custody, and he will have no say. Being the only one to make decisions is easier sometimes, but it's not the model of co-parenting I ascribe to.

I am a big believer in joint custody, but you can't have joint physical custody if he is 3000 miles away, and even if you have sole legal custody, you can still involve him in parenting, medical and eduational decisions and make his opinion as her father count.

I am not sure why you are beating yourself up about this though. Has he said he wanted joint legal custody and is he upset that you asked for sole legal? He can't be upset about you asking for sole physical since he's moving away, can he? Also, asking for sole legal doesn't mean you'll get it, if he disputes it a judge will decide. Most parents can get joint legal unless they have proven that they cannot make decisions in the best interst of the child (ie, 2 doctors recommend surgery and your ex refuses due to the cost).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:07pm
It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:21pm

Unfortunatley we had never discussed anyting in regards to the divorce except that he was extremely angry that I was going after half of his monthly disability pension (I have since told the lawyer to leave that alone). It is very hard to discuss problems with him because right away he gets defensive, prideful and just won't listen to anything. He e-mailed me to inform me that he had accepted a posting (couldn't do it face to face),to go ahead with the divorce and he would look everything over and sign. I have always been very accomodating and I think he expected me to let him just have his way as usual. I also think that he is angry because not having custody is putting a snag in his plans to get a military house when he moves. Only those that are married or with children are entitled to a house. I have every intension of keeping him involved in her life. How he intends to keep up his end is anyones guess. I don't know ...maybe I could drop it down to joint custody and I have physical custody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 9:02am

You really do need to talk about him with this. How you handle things now will set the stage for your post-divorce co-parenting relationship. Not talking now means a lot of not talking, anger under the surface, defensive communication later.

If he's angry and defensive and won't listen, don't ask him to listen. You be the one to listen. Ask him questions. Ask him: what do you want as far as custody and visitation, what do you want as far as involvement in decision making, what do you want to know about or have sent to you (school pictures, report cards, etc.), what do you want as far as telephone contact (calling dd once per week at a set time so she has that to look forward to and knows she can count on it, and he can feel a little more involved even though he's far away), etc. Ask ask ask and you listen. Once he knows his opinion matters and he is still going to be a parent after divorce, he might be more open to listening to your opinion too.

I think joint legal is so common and since it is usually the default, the judge may ask why this father is not entitled to be involved in decision regarding his child. Your STBX might just sign because he wants to get this over with, but he may not realize what not having joint legal means. He's giving up a lot by moving away, but one of your obligations as custodial parent is to ensure a continuing bond between her and her father, and you do that by not cutting him out of decisions, including him when you can, encouraging phone contact and having her write letters or send artwork, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 9:30am

I would have to agree with the other posters. When my first xH and I D he never questioned that I wanted sole physical custody and I never questioned the fact that we would have joint legal custody. He was and is in the USMC and it just made sense that physical custody for him was totally out. Let me tell you from experience with him that it is only in the last year or two (we have been D 13 yrs) that he has actually taken any interest in DS. Actually last summer he took DS to his home in VA for 6 wks (before that time DS was lucky to get a wk), but this year he has decided that 2 is all he can handle (gee you think reality hit home). This year is the first year that he actually talked to DS's guidance counselor and has been involved in his schooling (DS has ADD and I have been dealing with it since 4th grade, he is now in 10th). I personally didn't like the "intrusion" but after talking with my counselor she made me see that it in no way was a reflection of my parenting but that xH finally realized he needed to step up and take an interest in DS.

I will tell you that with your STBX living so far away visitation would probably be sporadic at best and be prepared for a lot of cancellations. I learned early on that I needed to be flexible with visitation and whenever xH could get up to MA he had access to DS, not that he always took it. With the exception of him serving in the war he trys to call (and always has) at least once a week. Now it is much easier because DS has his own cell phone and can call or text his father and leave him messages whenever he wants.

It is very important for your DD's sake that you try and keep her communication with her father going, even if he is away. I have to disagree with Firstamendment about setting up a specific time because from my experience (we tried this), when they don't call you end up having to explain why and reassuring them it wasn't because of them. I learned to just let it be and when xH called I would give the phone to DS and it was a nice surprise. You said that your STBX couldn't get housing unless he had your DD, well in the US my xH was allowed to have housing if he wanted because he had a visitation schedule and as long as he is responsbile for DS and paying CS (i.e. DS has a dependent ID, is carried on xH's medical, etc.).

Please above all look out for you and DD. You know if you are entitled to a portion of his disability pension, then you should make sure you get it, no matter how mad STBX gets. Remember that any CS you get for DD is for her living and upbringing and it is partially STBX's responsiblity. Another point I want to make is that the first time around xH and I used one atty and everything seemed to be resolved and moving forward. About 3 months after the D was final, xH had his own atty and we were back in court and that went on for another 1 1/2 years because his GF at the time told him that I had screwed him in the D. After more legal fees and the 1 1/2 yrs not much got changed in the D agreement so it didn't do him or me any good. If your STBX decides to sign what you give him that is great but prepare yourself for the just in case with your atty and make sure everything (even the smallest detail) is covered so you don't end up in another long court battle.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing. Sorry this got so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 10:01am

>>>I have to disagree with Firstamendment about setting up a specific time because from my experience (we tried this), when they don't call you end up having to explain why and reassuring them it wasn't because of them.<<<

I take exception to your disagreement! LOL! Seriously, I suggested this because this is what my parents did. My father called every Sunday evening at a specific time for years (I believe the calls stopped when he began his year-long stint in the mental institution, and I do not believe they resumed when he got out). I figure if my drug addicted, mentally troubled father can handle always calling on Sunday night, pretty much anyone can. I'm also a 'give the benefit of the doubt' and 'innocent until proven guilty' kind of girl. If the OP (or anyone for that matter) knows that the other parent will not be able to handle a consistent phone schedule, then by all means do not set one up or continue any plan that leads to regular disappointment for the children. I do think the OP should at least discuss the option with her STBX (not all ex's are created equal, it is possible such an arrangement could work well for them). For me, I knew I could count on the calls and looked forward to them, and it gave my dad the chance to know what was going on in our lives each week.

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