Custody/visitation questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
Custody/visitation questions
2
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 9:01pm

Hi everyone!
While H and I have not filed yet, I am starting to think it would really be in everyone's best interest to have some sort of formal custody agreement established. How can I go about this? I know H is going to be pissed, and I would not put it past him to try and get full custody just to spite me.

Also, I remember someone mentioning an amendment or something you can add onto the custody arrangement stating that if one parent cannot watch the child, then the next person in line is the other parent? We have had some issues with this in the past.

Lastly (this is personal, not legal), every weekend when H picks up dd, they go straight to his mother's house and dd does not come back until 3 days later when MIL brings her back for me to pick up. All the while H is crying about wanting to spend time with dd, although he is not really spending any time at all with her (MIL says my dd is like the "daughter she never had" and basically takes over, but that is another story). I am probably being a little selfish and vindictive with this one, but is there any way I can get him to actually spend some time with his daughter rather than pawning her off on his mom? Dd practically cries that she does not want to go to his house and I feel bad, but he is so clearly unconfortable with her and REALLY short with her. He actually uses seeing his mother as a bargaining tool with her...it makes me crazy!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 9:32pm

Hi there!

You can get a temporary custody order in place, I think you have an attorney right? This usually goes hand in hand with filing, but I suppose it could be handled separately. The one thing if it is separate then you'll be asking him to review a custody agreement and all the focus is on the details of that. If you were to file, then the custody agreement is just one section in a large somewhat standard document and it will stand out less. Generally it should formalize the custody arrangement you have been practicing since you separated. The courts like to see consistency so they normally expect whatever you are doing now you will keep doing during and after the divorce. This may not be exactly what you want, but it will also work in your favor, he isn't going to be able to get full custody if he doesn't have full custody now unless he somehow has evidence you are unfit, which I am sure he doesn't.

The provision to notify the other child if you can't watch them on your parenting time is called a 'right of first refusal.' It says if you (or he) are going to have a babysitter you will first give the other parent the chance to take the child. I know a poster on another board who lives in NJ who had issues with this. Under NJ law his ex could leave their son with a family member and not tell him, because his son has a right to spend time with extended family, but if she was going to be paying a family member to watch their son, then she had to tell him and give him a chance to take their son instead. I am not sure if that is how it works in PA, but your attorney should know. The hard part is proving he is leaving dd with his mom. It's very possible that PA law could say he's got to give dd back to you if he can't watch her, but I'm not sure.

If his mother always takes over (OMG I can't imagine having a MIL like that, I would go insane) then he'll probably never get 'used' to being in the father role. That is so sad for your dd. Unfortunately it's also probably something you can't every change. I'm not sure what the right answer is. What does he say about filing, does he want that or do you really want that or do you want to hold off for a while longer? If you do just want to have a temporary custody arrangement, your attorney could draw one up, sending it him or his attorney for review, and then file it, or I suppose your attorney could file it directly and wait for a response from him. I think filing first before he's seen it is more expensive, because future amended agreements have to be refilled and that can happen over and over, more paperwork, more attorney fees, more cost. If you have your attorney prepare it and everyone reviews it and comes to an agreement, then you just file it once. When you later file for divorce, the custody agreements gets added into the divorce agreement, that gets filed as temporary, then there is a 90 day waiting period and then you refile the agreeement as 'final' and a judge reviews it.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:41am
I was thinking about something else, if he (or MIL) has dd through Monday, that won't work once she starts school. I'd say it would be good to have in the custody arrangment a plan for how custody will work when she starts school. Will she go with her dad every other weekend then? If he has half of every weekend now, every other weekend might be roughly the same amount of time, but he might fight for one weeknight per week. Could that arrangement work? Could he take her one weeknight and get her to school the next day? Something to think about.

Photobucket