Daily vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Daily vent
2
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 2:21pm

For those who are new (like myself) or just find that they need somewhere to vent or discuss how they are feeling today - here you go :)

I will start off by giving my background - I will try and keep these as condensed as possible. My husband and I met at 18, started dating at 19. He was my first real relationship...up until that point I was quite happy to "play the field". We were part of the sorority/fraternity scene and faced some of the common college issues - jealousy, lying, school problems, etc. If I ever mentioned breaking up he would threaten suicide and go into a deep depression. I felt trapped early on, but knowing how much he adored and loved me, I figured things would eventually work out. We got engaged at 22 and married at 24. I was so caught up with planning and having the perfect wedding, that I focussed on that instead of my upcoming marriage. Our wedding was perfect, but from day one, I was unhappy. I had never lived on my own and with having a new house and a husband things were rocky. We never worked through our problems, but just let them fester. If I ever raised an issue or mentioned that I was unhappy, he would convince me (he is a law student) that I felt otherwise and I always went along with it. We went to counseling last summer for a bit, but it got so hard because I had no support from my family, that I just gave up and went back to things being as they were. This summer he spent 6 weeks abroad for work and I thought this would be a major turning point in our relationship...I would miss him so much that when he got back maybe we would find the passion we never seemed to have in our marriage. It didn't work out that way and we ended up in counseling again this summer. He did not put much effort into it, as I read every book on emotional unavailability and fixing a marriage to try and determine what was wrong with me and where I went wrong. I started seeing an individual counselor and he refused. That brings us to last week. He wrote me a letter saying how unhappy he is with how we are progressing and that he is going to move out over the next month. After reading it, I told him that I completely agreed that we needed time apart. He flew off the handle and over the course of a few hours, basically told me that he wrote that note and expected me to come crawling to him begging him to stay. He got angry and told me that I was not trying to save our marriage. I stood my ground for the first time in our relationship and told him that we need to separate. We went back anf forth for awhile, but as it stands now - he is living in our condo, while I am staying at my parents and paying all of our bills. Since then he has told me he has had a revelation and now he understands how controlling, manipulative and needy he has been our entire relationship. He wants me to give things another shot, but I was honest with him when I said that I really thought it was too late. I am emotionally drained by him and cannot be everything for him and myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
In reply to: ivyone_1978
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 5:33pm

My gut reaction is, "RUN!!!"

Then the logical part of me says that your story is probably not complete, and there may be other things I am missing since I only know your situation from the words that you shared.

I am almost 40 years old and going through a divorce myself that I initiated. I understand your feelings as I too married my first boyfriend, but only after having his baby at age 19. Now, 18 years of marriage later, I need to get out. I hate that I am putting my 9-year old daughter through this (my oldest is now nearly 20), but I have to for my own sanity and happiness, as well as that of my STBX. We are simply not compatible and had we not had a child together, I guarantee that we would not have stayed together.

If you don't want to rush a divorce at the risk of making a mistake, give yourself more time away from him. If he loves you, he will be fine with that. After all, he only wants his wife to be happy. That's what couples do for each other.

But, just so you know, in all my years, my gut has never failed me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
In reply to: ivyone_1978
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 7:35am

Ivyone,

You responded to my post yesterday, and I thank you. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one asking questions and wanting to vent. I was never one for message boards and forums, but this one has given me much food for thought. A good complement to my therapist (who is not American, since I live abroad). You're right, our situations are similar. As you can see, I most certainly don't have any answers for you. I myself am already 4 months into my separation and have taken the first steps towards divorce, but I still doubt my decision. When I talk to my husband, it makes me sad and makes me doubt myself, makes me think that I might very well be crazy to leave someone who says he's willing to make so many efforts, someone who says he loves me, someone who will be so sad when I'm gone. But when I spend time alone, think things over, I start feeling better about myself, think that the future can only be brighter. I feel like I know what I want now, for myself and my future, but I'm still trying to figure out what a marriage is all about. All I can do is offer you support, and say that whatever happens, you will have reflected on yourself, your marraige, your life, what makes you happy, and that's a pretty good thing to do at our relatively young age.