dating a seperated man- advice needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
dating a seperated man- advice needed!
4
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:23pm

i decided this post best fit here because you are all experiencing divorce or have gone through it and would give the best advice.

i have been dating a guy for 7 months. he is about 10 years older than me. i'm about 25. now please, before you jump to conclusions, i should say i grew up a bit faster than most people my age. i was just told this last night by a 48 year old woman. i've lived on my own since before i was out of high school, have had a 6-7 year drug habit (clean for 2 yrs and not going back, i dont do ANYTHING now, even ciggys), basically, had a lot of crap happen to me and had to fend for myself. this has made me fiercely independent. sometimes intimidating. i havent dated anyone in a long time and been busy focusing on work and healthy activities before current bf came along. i am working on educating myself and saving for a future.

current bf is still married. WAIT! let me explain...he married in his late teens/early 20s, he also has a 15 year old son whom he hasnt seen since the son was a baby. he doesnt discuss the subject much. he has brought it up in the past vaguely, but when i'd try and get him to talk in detail so i dont jump to conclusions, he just says things like 'how painful it is' or he doesn't like talking about it. from what he's told me, he had a fight with his wife and she left with the baby and everything else. he said he tried to call and talk to her but all she said was to stay away from her. he has also admitted to me he had a bad temper in the past but has never hit a woman. he has never seen his son since and has never legally filed for divorce from his wife. it has been about 13 years since they have had any contact. he has had quite a few relationships since then, from the way he describes them, some of them were successful. here is where we differ, i have sought therapy to work through my issues and let it be and moved on. i feel he hasnt moved on. he feels that by filing for divorce from this woman that it would just open up old wounds.

i wasnt planning on marrying this guy or anything, but is it wrong for me to think he should deal with his issues once and for all get a divorce and get on with life? i didnt rehab for my drug habit and it took quite some time to get clean, but i did it. he says he's moved on from the situation and actions (such as being with other women) have shown me he has, but still...it's gotten to the point i've though of leaving him. he does treat me well otherwise. we dont fight, we take care of ourselves (we dont live together), he's not a cheater, etc.

here's what gets to me, he has told me he wants to settle down, but hasnt really made the effort to do so. i'm believing his actions here in that he has no plans for a future in life at all, with me or otherwise. oh and one other thing, i dont want kids, that includes his. i have told him this and he says it's unlikely that his 'ex'wife or his child will contact him anytime soon in the future.

if you need more info feel free to ask...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:53pm

Quite frankly, you seem to know that this very likely will not go anywhere. I don't mean to be rude or mean, but he sounds lazy. He's been "separated" for 15 years? The excuse that he doesn't want to talk or deal with it because of feelings it may bring up is weak. The man needs to grow up.

I wasn't actually going to respond to this post, but there was one thing you said that prompted me to. < i dont want kids, that includes his. >

The fact is this man has a child. Just because he has done absolutely nothing to be a father doesn't mean this kid won't come knocking one day. Does this mean he can expect to not only have to try to deal with why his father abandoned him, but now he'll have a cold resentful woman to contend with as well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:59pm

he has brought it up in the past vaguely, but when i'd try and get him to talk in detail so i dont jump to conclusions, he just says things like 'how painful it is' or he doesn't like talking about it. from what he's told me, he had a fight with his wife and she left with the baby and everything else. he said he tried to call and talk to her but all she said was to stay away from her. he has also admitted to me he had a bad temper in the past but has never hit a woman. he has never seen his son since and has never legally filed for divorce from his wife. it has been about 13 years since they have had any contact


He has scratched the surface of what happened but is vague with the details for fear that you too will walk.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:01pm

Get out of my head ;-)


You posted the compact version of what I was thinking.

Peace,


Di


***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***


Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:54am

Silly:


Two initial questions for you.


1) How do you know he's really married?


2)

CL-Wisdomtooth2020