Day 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Day 1
16
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:04pm

Ok it is day one. As I type this he is moving out. But let me step back, last Friday my husband of 18 years and three beautiful daughters came home to tell me he still loves me but wants to move on before we hate each other. He had rented a place, but I should be happy, it's in walking distance for the girls.

Now we have never had the best relationship and I have been debating for years of not staying with him. He has always made sure that I knew that I was not what he wanted in a wife. He would refuse to try and make things work between us, he felt things should come easy and marriage should not be work. But I stayed, I loved him and I kept trying to make life better but no matter what I tried it was not right in his eyes.

I think I am mostly sad because I will miss his companionship I think once he is gone I will be fine, I have to be I have no choice. My girls are being very supportive they are 17, 15 and 12. My 12 yr old is a wreck and is having a very difficult time, she does not want to talk to her dad because she is afraid of making him sad.

One of the worst parts is that we live in a town of 20,000 people and we are a well known family. So of course moving on will be difficult thanks to small town life and small town talk. I know he is ready to move on right away and being that we live in a college town where the average age is 26 it will be easy for him. For me on the other hand, not so much.

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am trying to be strong and not cry when he is around but each day since he told me he was moving I have still woken up to him holding me and kissing me each day. I am so confused and hurt, I don't know how to get throough this. I have at least resorted myself to knowing that I have no control over what is happening and I have to just survive the ride.

How does someone still love you after 18 years but would just prefer to move on!! And who in the hell stays married for 18 years anymore in this instant mashed potatoes world, people just don't quit after 18 years. Ok well, I guess they do but why now when I am almost 40.

Please someone just give me some advice, what do I do to move on what have any of you done.

Today will be difficult.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:26pm

(((Hugs)))


Oh, it can all be sooo confusing. The first bit of advice I can give you is not to have any contact with him unless it is in regards to the kids. Anything other than that will just be painful and will hold you back. Now, how did I get through it? Therapy, therapy and then some more therapy!!!! You can expect to go through all of the stages of grief (like when you lose a loved one). I cried, I screamed, I threw things (only when alone!), I was furious, I was depressed, I was miserable. Now, 10 months later, I'm mostly happy! I have three boys myself, ages 4, 2, and 6-months. I'm a full-time student and I work. Being in this situation has made me such a strong person and I finally know that I don't need to have a man around to feel okay. I'm alright with being alone! It's a wonderful feeling! You'll make it and you'll be a better, stronger woman for it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:28pm
Hugs to you Chicky! The days will be tough, but they will get better. 10mos. later my good days out number my bad days. My XH just came home 3-4-05 and said he didn't love me anymore. Then he kicked me out of my house and took my children (DSs 12 and 10). Since then I have gotten my house back, my children 50% of the time and my divorce was finaled in August. I know there are reasons I should be happy, but most of the time I am not. I am really combatting lonliness. He had been my companion for 20yrs (15 married). Now he is moving on. I am left to battle my depression alone. Try to find things to do with yourself. Idleness is a really bad thing in the begining. (ie. Today I cleaned out the file cabinet) I know about having no choice but to be fine. I have recently read a book that may help you some. It is call "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. The first part of that book talks about taking care of you and being able to let go. I will warn you though this book is about fixing your marriage not divorce, but some of it's principles still apply. I wish I had read it 2-3 years ago. Once you get through the shock of the whole thing you will start to move on. I noticed how life went on around me and I felt like I was standing still. I live in a small town of 3,000. It is hard to shut down the rumors and they will be there. Also I'll warn you everyone will think you want to know what is going on in your stbx's life and they will tell you before you have a chance to stop them. It'll open up any of those wounds that have started to heal so keep lots of bandaids around. Hugs from your children are a good bandaid.
I wish I could answer all your why questions. I have a ton of my own. I am also almost forty. It sucks to be alone at this time in your life. For a while life will seem to go by on automatic pilot. Let it, then wake up one morning and promise yourself a life. You deserve it. You have worked hard as a wife and a mother. We shouldn't be where we are. We where supposed to grow old with our husbands, but they always seem to be looking for greener pastures. (and they are always younger and thinner). God has given us a new path for a purpose. It is now our job to find out that purpose. I'll send you an angel to watch over you during this difficult time.
Post here anytime. There are a lot of great people here.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:52pm

As I type this, I am hoping that your day one is almost over and that you know that you have survived it... It is not easy, but you can and will make it through it...

You probably don't know what to feel or do because you're in shock... and that's OK... but while you're in shock, keep yourself busy making some copies of financial records, social security numbers and such to make sure that you have all your ducks in a row... if you don't have one all ready, open your own bank account, separate from his or the one that you shared with him... change the locks to your house... also, consult with an attorney... you probably don't want to hear that... but if this is going to happen, make sure that you know what your RIGHTS are... by being better informed as to your rights, you can make sure that you have some control over what is happening and that you don't have to just survive... I'm not saying it will be easy, especially at first, but you can do it, and you can come out thriving!

Initially, where you are, expect a wide range of emotions... anger, fear, confusion, shock, hurt, I could go on, but the truth of the matter is that it is what it is and you will likely feel a lot of different things, sometimes all at the same time... If you work and you have a comfortable relationship with your boss, let them know what is going on... you don't have to go into a lot of detail, but just letting them know is a good idea with the wide variety of things that you will be feeling

If you notice that you are not sleeping/eating well, you may wish to consider seeing your doctor as they can often perscribe something to help you with adjusting to the changes that are beginning to happen and may also be able to recommend a therapist for you to speak with as therapy is so valuble at a time like this...

Try to limit contact with him as much as possible. Try to limit your discussions to your children, your joint finances, etc and start thinking of him more as a business partner than anything more... I hope, and I'm sorry if this hurts when you read this, that this was the last morning that you woke up to "him holding me and kissing me each day"... he has his cake (his freedom) and is eating it too... um, no, that is not going to work anymore... Try to remain civil (if not a bit better) and always remember to take the high road, even when it is difficult, because it is always the better way to go and you'll look back at yourself later and be proud...

Don't let him see your emotions with this... he wants to leave, FINE... you don't need him... you can always break down after he leaves... after you hang up the phone... you get the idea... let you strength shine through... at the same time, do not speak ill about your stbx around your children...

Lastly, take it one day at a time... if that seems like too much, take it one hour at a time... and if that seems to tough, take it five minutes at a time... we can stand practically ANYTHING for five minutes... focus on your children and pull happiness from them... I used to pick one thing every day that my little boy did to focus on and make me smile...

Lastly, I hope you know that you can come here for support and venting... we're here for you!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: chickygirl2
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 1:57am

Brenda, Thank you so much for your response. You said so much of how I am feeling. Crying seems to have taken over my life. I guess the part that kills me the most is that he keeps telling me he still loves me but can't continue because he is afraid we will hate each other. Today he kissed me goodbye twice. I know he wants someone younger, thinner and more doding than me and it kills me to know he will never be a part of me again. Life was not perfect and I always wished that I had made differnt choices, but I didn't and I accepted this is my life.

I am glad to hear for you that you were able to get your house back, my husband attempted to kick me out but I let him know that I did not have to leave. I am sure it just fired him up more to prepare to leave me.

Thank you it is nice to hear someone who is in the same boat as me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: chickygirl2
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 2:14am

Thank you for your advice. Somethings I have done. I have my account, although our account is still open. Some of the things you said I tell myself that is not him, he would not do that to me, but then I have to remind myself that life is different now. I miss him terribly and I know that he has agreed to think about things....but I know it's over.
My kids are my strenth, and I thank god for them and I am glad that they are teenagers. They have been there for me as much as I have been there for him. My parents were divorced and never spoke poorly of each other to me and I refuse to be that way in front of my kids.

Luckly I have a very strong support group of friends and family, the only bad thing is most have either never been married or are happily married they have no real concept of what is going on for me.

The one thing I know about my husband is he has never cheated on me and I know at this time until we are divorced he does not plan to date. He says out of respect for me and our kids, he also knows our kids will stop speaking to him and he can't handle that.

I told him if he wants to divorce me that he can file, but I wonder how smart that is on my part. I also do not want to file because I don't want to make this easy on him.

I am glad that I found this board because each thing person that has responded to me has given me some type of hope that there is life somewhere out there. I just can't believe that after 18 years this is it, it's over, and I want so much to be beyond this.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: chickygirl2
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:38am

"I told him if he wants to divorce me that he can file, but I wonder how smart that is on my part. I also do not want to file because I don't want to make this easy on him."

My situation is very similar to yours only my children and I are a little younger and my STBX moved out August 1 so I'm on my way to recovery. It will be very hard for you for a while, but it will get easier. I'm glad your kids are there for you, but try not to lean on them too much. This is hard for them too. Before you know it you'll all have enough good days that you won't be able to remember when was the last day you cried.

It might depend on your state and you can check with a lawyer, but I have not experienced any negative consequences to STBX filing instead of me other than the pain of reading the initial complaint when served.

I imagine it was easier since I knew the complaint was coming and it was delivered by certified mail rather than by law enforcement. However, I was only prepared for the irreconcilable differences part. I was not prepared for the "cruel and inhumane treatment" complaint that STBX's attorney included in case I didn't agree to irreconcilable differences and I wasn't prepared for the initial request that the judge grant STBX sole access to our home.

STBX and I had been already doing a lot of successful negotiating about big things like parenting and the house. He had already agreed to move out (just around the corner so he'd be close for the kids)and he had never made me feel like he thought I was a terrible person. So reading the complaint hit me like a ton of bricks. Thankfully I kept my head and kept calm. I did take the complaint to my attorney ASAP, but I didn't say or do anything to STBX that hurt our ability to negotiate/co-parent.

I need to get back to work, but will be checking the board to see how you are doing.

Hugs

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: chickygirl2
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:52pm

Hey there...

I'm glad to hear that you are getting your things in order... it isn't easy, but necessary!

I can certainly relate to missing your h ~ I remember for the longest time I missed mine, until I realized that I didn't miss the man he was at that point in time, I missed the man he ~used~ to be... I don't want much to do with the man he is now, to tell you the truth... anyone who can turn their back on their own child, well, I just don't understand how my xh can live with himself. Some say that one day he'll realize what he's done and I just hope that he doesn't make that realization too late.

In the meantime, while you are trying to sort things out, don't forget your rights and those of your children... child support orders can take effect anytime... it may be something you wish to consider if you need it. I know that when my xh moved out, I made more money than he did and said that I didn't care about it, because at the time I didn't and if he wanted to file so bad, to go ahead, but I wasn't doing it... in a manner similar to what you wrote... but then three months had gone by with nothing... no agreements... no filing and after three months of him not being involved in his son's life, even though he only lived three miles away, I was sick of it and took matter into my own hands... In some states there is an advantage to filing, as you enter the complaint, and do not need to defend yourself, in others there isn't so much of an advantage. Have you spoken to a lawyer to get a better idea of things in your area?

Good Luck... I am all for saving a marriage, if it can be saved and is worth saving... so I wish you lots of luck with that...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: chickygirl2
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 10:03pm

It's funny I was thinking how similar your situation sounded. I am attempting to be strong and not want to cave. Each day he picks up our daughter and gives me a kiss goodbye. I know he still loves me but in the 18 years we have been together I was never sure if he really did. Life was always my fault, I was always to blame for eveything, he never accepted responsiblilty. I want him to make a decision but I also know that I am not ready to really know.

I appreciate you telling me not to lean on my kids to much and I do not, we do attempt to be a support for each other. I spent about seven years of my life as a councilor so I try to remember the people I dealt with during those times.

It's funny each time you tell me something new I keep thinking I never thought of that. I want him to file but I have not thought of what it will feel like to get those papers or what they might say. It has always been that sheet of paper with some unknown words on it.

I will tell you today I have cried less, I don't think as of yet I have actually begun to cry. However, I am sure tomorrow will be different.

I am glad to hear that you are stronger it certainly gives me hope.

Thank you for your support when I know for you this is still so new also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: chickygirl2
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 6:56am

Hi chickygirl

Well, my husband of fifteen years left last night. This is my day 1. So we have something in common.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you, and I too hope I can make it through this very difficult time.

Helps to vent, I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: chickygirl2
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:27am
Hi magoo35!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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