Day 1, too

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Day 1, too
11
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 7:50pm
This is day 1 for me as well. After 12 years of marriage, I have to call it quits. After moving me and my two girls, 9 and 11 out to a new state for a new job opportunity for him. I begged him not to move us away from our friends and family, but gave in for the kids sake, for his career and for our financial future. 6 mos. after moving here, I get back from vatation with my two kids and he announces that he is moving out. Since he moved out, he has been begging me to try to work things out with him and go to therapy. I have been reluctant for many reasons but agreed. Now I just found out that during this whole time that he has been trying to work on fixing his problems and us, he has been dating someone that works for him!!! OMG!!! SO I told him enough is enough and told the kids I am asking for a divorce. The kids freak out, cried all night, blamed themselves and BEGGED me to work things out for our family's sake ( that was the final dagger to my heart). He then calls me at 1 a.m. in the morning crying to work things out with him. Now it's on my shoulders again to stick out for the family? Why do I have to be the bad guy that breaks up the family? I cant tell my girls the reason that I have to leave is because their loving dad has continuously lied to me and cheated on me for sometime now and basically is a non remorseful jerk. And to top things off, he is now the president of a large publicly traded company and is financially successful, but I will only be able to get alimony for 1/3 to 1/2 of my marrige and will have to go back to square one in my career. After writing all of this, I now am sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do next. Suck it up for the kids sake and for my financial future Or start over at 42 years old? I'm scared I thought all these years I was during the right things for us to be financially ok in the future and now I feel I've done all this for no other reason but to help him become a successful business man and I have become nothing but a corporte wife?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
In reply to: cabound2006
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 8:42pm

WOW! You just wrote my life. Almost exactly, except that my husband isn't asking me to take him back. Why do men think they can do these thiings to the women who devote their lives to them. I am so sorry you are goign through this. I keep telling myself it's all for the best in my case. Have faith in yourself, hon!

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cabound2006
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 2:12pm

CA bound...of course you should not suck it up for financial security! Reclaim your dignity and get the divorce. You didn't ASK to be treated like this, and some day your children will understand there IS a reason why. Your story is similar to mine, STBX works a lot, has an A with a woman who works for him. I'm right there with you on wanting them to know the truth and wanting to preserve their respect/love for their dad.

What sort of career can you go back to?

I feel that even though I'll have less money, I'll have less detail in my life to manage, and I'll have more emotional energy to make my own decisions.

I've also heard it is better to get divorced when your kids are younger than wait until they are teens...they will adjust better.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: cabound2006
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:56pm

HUGS. You are NOT the only one in this position. I also stayed with my STBX for 12 years. In the end, WE decided to get divorced. He asked me to hurry up and leave. THEN he changed his mind, and suddenly wanted to work on the marriage! After 12 years of neglecting me and spending nights out with his buddies at movies, golf, poker, parties, dinner, being financially irresponsible, etc. he decides he wants to work on things! And now, It's all MY fault for giving up on the marriage, and I "chose to leave" him and our son (even though we have joint custody...so I don't know how I "left" my child, but I digress..)

I promise, you CAN start over. It will be tough, but it is better than being subjected to a life of misery. You did NOT break up this family. Do not even think that for a second. It serves HIM well to make you think that, but what about your needs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
In reply to: cabound2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 7:54pm
Thx for your support and I am sorry you had a similiar experience! He is currently in China for business and when he returns I will serve him with divorce papers. Hopefully in doing this I will show my two girls that no one should be treated this badly. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
In reply to: cabound2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:10pm

Thank you for your reply. I do agree with you, it's better now then later with the kids. I will leave this marriage with my dignity and take each day as it comes.

I did graduate with a BA in Business and I use to work in the semiconductor industry. I do believe that I will be able to go back to work but feel I'll have to start all over again. And on top of all this, all of my networking and contacts are back in California. Hopefully I will be able to convince the judge to let me go back home with the kids so I can find a job.

Everytime I get sad or angry, I just keep telling myself " I deserve better!" Non of us would take such behavior from our friends. Non of us would have friends that would makes us feel bad or constantly lie to us, why the heck would I take it from my husband?

Thanks again, I appreciate your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
In reply to: cabound2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:19pm

Can you believe it! My husband apologized to me and the kids and said, " if mommy will take me back, I will be the best that I can be." So now my kids are begging me not to break up the family. How the heck did that monkey get on my back?? Although he has treated me like trash and had an affair on me, all I have to do is forgive and move on! Well guess what, no matter what may come my way in the future, I will have no regrets about leaving this marriage behind. I CAN do it!

Thank you for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
In reply to: cabound2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:31pm
I'm in a similar situation but without the financial security. We are so far in the hole that I think I'd be better off financially without him. But I feel guilty that he wants to try and change but it's just too late for me...I've changed as a woman and my feelings for him have changed. Even if he does change, I don't want this anymore. And I can't seem to convince my mom that I am doing the right thing. She thinks I need to try again and not break up the family, I think her main worry is my son whose 4. But then again, she stayed with my dad til he finally left when I was in college. And what my mom taught me by staying was to have no inner strength as a woman. So I think you will be setting a good example for your daughters by teaching them that nobody deserves to be treated like this. I can't believe your husband wanted to work things out yet was still seeing someone. Now this makes me wonder about my husband. My husband told me he's ready for whatever I choose but really wants to work it out. My biggest issue is convincing my mom...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
In reply to: cabound2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:37am
I have to say it was so wrong of him to do that in front of the kids. Now his tried to put all the blame off on you. You get to be the bad guy who ends it. So wrong!! Sounds just like something my s2bx would do. You should never bring your kids into it like that. Any father should know that. Your right you Can do this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: cabound2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:56pm

I am so very sorry you find yourself in such a spot. Are you committed to the divorce? If so, let me offer up one caveat. I divorced a selfish abusive control-freak with lots of $$--it has been horrible long custody fight. I only suggest you be absolutely committed before setting on this path, be prepared for him to fight dirty. Once he gets into an attorney's office and they find out he's got $$, the attorney will urge him to fight you tooth and nail--that's their job. Hopefully he won't be as nasty as my ex is, just be ready. It's horrifying to go through.

If it's any consolation to you, I re-started my career at age 42 after 15 years as a SAHM. This ole girl's brain still works! I'm doing pretty dang well right now too, not as good as I could have without that long gap in experience, but pretty dang well.

I'm finding freedom well worth the financial price I paid. I get zero alimony and all the assets I got in the property division now belong to the attorney who fought my custody battle--money well spent! I now live at about 50% of the old lifestyle level and find it terrific.

Cupcake

edited to add...
No longer do I have to iron 5 white shirts every week, "because I do it better than the cleaners". No longer do I have to wait dinner just to have him not show up. No longer do I have to do 100% of everything with no thanks. And no longer do I have to shop/wrap for 20 staff Christmas gifts. Instead of focusing on the financial things you're losing, think of all the crap you'll be losing also.

Edited 1/18/2006 1:12 pm ET by momsacupcake




Edited 1/18/2006 1:14 pm ET by momsacupcake
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: cabound2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:57pm

My heart goes out to you.

If it is even possible at this point, you need to try to step back from the horrible current situation and think what would be best for your long-term future. If there is no chance that you feel you can ever love him again, then I'd say you are doing the right thing to just cut the strings now. If you think there is any chance he is remorseful and regrets what he has done, and that he could improve, you should try counseling.

I hope you have some sympathetic friends and family who you trust and can provide you w/good advice as well as this board.

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