Day 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Day 1
16
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:04pm

Ok it is day one. As I type this he is moving out. But let me step back, last Friday my husband of 18 years and three beautiful daughters came home to tell me he still loves me but wants to move on before we hate each other. He had rented a place, but I should be happy, it's in walking distance for the girls.

Now we have never had the best relationship and I have been debating for years of not staying with him. He has always made sure that I knew that I was not what he wanted in a wife. He would refuse to try and make things work between us, he felt things should come easy and marriage should not be work. But I stayed, I loved him and I kept trying to make life better but no matter what I tried it was not right in his eyes.

I think I am mostly sad because I will miss his companionship I think once he is gone I will be fine, I have to be I have no choice. My girls are being very supportive they are 17, 15 and 12. My 12 yr old is a wreck and is having a very difficult time, she does not want to talk to her dad because she is afraid of making him sad.

One of the worst parts is that we live in a town of 20,000 people and we are a well known family. So of course moving on will be difficult thanks to small town life and small town talk. I know he is ready to move on right away and being that we live in a college town where the average age is 26 it will be easy for him. For me on the other hand, not so much.

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am trying to be strong and not cry when he is around but each day since he told me he was moving I have still woken up to him holding me and kissing me each day. I am so confused and hurt, I don't know how to get throough this. I have at least resorted myself to knowing that I have no control over what is happening and I have to just survive the ride.

How does someone still love you after 18 years but would just prefer to move on!! And who in the hell stays married for 18 years anymore in this instant mashed potatoes world, people just don't quit after 18 years. Ok well, I guess they do but why now when I am almost 40.

Please someone just give me some advice, what do I do to move on what have any of you done.

Today will be difficult.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 4:25pm

I am sorry to hear that. Forgive me but you seem very at peace with it. Did you know, where you expecting it to happen?

So are you doing ok today?

I will be thinking of you

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 9:15pm

Well I am on day 3 now! And I definitely feel better than I did the first night. That was without question the worst day of my life.

At peace? No, I'm very unsettled, scared, panicky and ENRAGED. But more than anything I am tired of my STBX's agonising indecision with our marriage. And so I decided to take CONTROL of the situation for my own benefit.

First he wanted to leave. Then he wanted to stay. And on. And on. For weeks. I tried to reason with him and save our marriage. I felt like that was the right thing to do. But after awhile, I simply took the choice away from HIM and started making my own choices. I decided enough was enough and told him to get the hell going.

I vowed to myself and to him that I would not allow him to destroy my pride, my sanity or my dignity. I am honoring that vow.

I think it may help to know that everything you and I are feeling right now is NORMAL. And though it may not seem like it, things will get better. Take it one day, one hour or even one minute at a time if you have to. You'll be okay because what other option is there?

Take CONTROL. Do it NOW.

I also have to say that these internet support forums have helped me tremendously. There's just something comforting about knowing you aren't the only person going through this.

Edited 1/14/2006 9:19 pm ET by magoo35




Edited 1/14/2006 9:22 pm ET by magoo35
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 1:34am

You sound so much like me. My husband has told me for about two weeks that he wanted to leave and then would stay. I just had come to the point that he would not actually follow through.

I hate how in one week he has become so distant, behaving as if he does not care about me at all. I guess this is how he has to behave to make it easier on himself but it still hurts.

I did decide on Wednesday that if he wants to move on that I will not sit here and wait for him to decide. I am going to move forward, I still will not file, that will only make his life easier. But I am going to contact a lawyer, find out my rights.

The hardest thing is that I can't call him like I used to and just see how his day was, or when I ask him how he is doing he barely responds.

I have hope, life has to be better than being with someone who does not want me. As I have said it has been 18 years, but we married because we 'had' to, I don't think he ever actually loved me.

I can't even imagine what this is going to be like for these next few months. I know I will adjust but I wonder about the unknown and how it will all change.

I agree these boards have really helped me keep moving forward.

Good luck, I will be looking for you over the next few days. Stay strong, I can tell that you are, good going!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 4:14pm

Well today was really hard for me. I had an enormous crying fit this morning, and I'm feeling pretty low. Today was the first time in four days that I've heard from him. Right now, he and my daughter are out for awhile. They are saying their good-byes because my daughter and I are leaving TONIGHT for my hometown....my father is coming to pick us up, and then next weekend, my STBX will transport the rest of our belongings back there.

But I've been keeping myself busy through this by making arrangements, talking on the phone with my family (they've been tremendously supportive), chain-smoking (lol) and packing up what we are taking with us tonight.

Financially, I feel pretty stable right now. STBX and I did talk "business" over the phone, but I refused to let it go any further than that.

Yeah, it is hard to keep it together at times but somehow I'm coping. I know that what I'm feeling right now has been experienced by countless other heartbroken souls.

I'll allow myself the ocassional "pity party" but I've accepted the fact that my marriage is over and a new life is just beginning.

***HUGS TO YOU***

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 5:54pm

Your post is full of such strength and determination to do things right for you.... You're not necessarily happy about the way things are, but you're not going to let the b**t**d get you down... which is exactly the way you need to be thinking. I'm extremely proud of you for being in this place!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: chickygirl2
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 7:00pm

I'm sorry you are having a rough day. Let's just keep telling ourselves that a new life is around the corner, there maybe some nasty obstacles but it's there waiting for us to arrive. My husband has also not been talking to me unless he had to during the week, it's been a difficult adjustment to not see how he is doing, make sure he is ok. That is the biggest adjustment.

Stay stong, it's a good thing you will be closer to family and that they are supportive. I think it will be a big help in you adjusting to this.

And cry, get it all out because I belive as soon as it is all out it will be easier to move ahead. So cry, it's good an it's normal. You'd have to wonder if you did not cry why were you there. It's a change.

Good luck I hope the move goes well.

Check in soon.

Hugs to you.

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