Day 3 of separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Day 3 of separation
3
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 8:56am
In June my husband of 16 years told me he hadn't been happy for years and he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn't interested in counseling and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. I was devastated. I had missed the signs that things were going wrong and he was not good at communicating them to me verbally. 2 years ago his father and best friend died of cancer. He had been unhappy at his job, and wanted to sell the house. Last year I had a new job and was very stressed out and some minor health problems. I warned him that it would be a tough year career wise and that we'd have to hang in there. It turns out that while he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to a coworker who was also a friend of mine. I even had her daughter in my class at school. Several times over the course of the year, I questioned him as to why he was helping her so much (she was newly divorced and coincidentally lives about 5 houses away) and was told that she was just a friend and coworker and he was just being helpful. (painting, snowplowing etc.) Turns out that while he wasn't sharing with me he was telling her intimate details of our life. This is not typical behavior for him. He has always been honest, hard working and a good husband and father. Admittedly, there have been issues with intimacy and finances and some of his gripes were very legitimate. But he should have been talking to me about them. I encouraged him to go to counseling independently since he wouldn't go with me and he went. He was diagnosed with depression but initially refused medicine. Friends encouraged him to take medication and he has started paxil. We lived in the same house for 7 weeks while he secured a house to rent. I should mention that financially, this is killing us, I think I have $100 left over to make it to the next pay period 2 weeks later. God forbid I have any kind of emergency. While he was home, we got along fine for the most part, took our kids places together, and even spent a couple of nights out together. We decided that maybe there was some hope. He went from refusing to even entertain the idea to now saying that there may be a chance and that some days he wants to get back together and other days hes not so sure. He also agreed recently to start marriage counseling and we have gone twice so far. I have made changes to behaviors that he has been unhappy with and that seems to be helping too. I am very sad though that he still felt that he needed to move out. He is now living about 15 minutes away out in the country where he says he can get some space and thinking time. I should mention that from about the week after he told me, we have been intimate on an almost daily basis. Even the night he left, I took the kids to see his place and he made us dinner. As we were leaving, he asked me to stay. There is still much physical attraction between us, and also at the very least care and fondness for me. I got the I love you, but I'm not sure I am in love speech. I want this to work, but will be so incredibly devastated if it doesn't I almost want to end it now to save me more pain. His confusion and unwillingness to commit drives me crazy. He says he is afraid to ever feel that low again and questions changes that the changes I have made are permanent. Which they are, whether he is here or not. He feels that 3 months of separation will be enough to figure out what he wants. I kind of hope that I decide the I don't want him before that, but I think thats just a protection mechanism for me. How do I surve the next few weeks? We work in the same district and the other woman (they have had no contact over the summer) works with him in the same building. So it stands to reason they will at least run into each other from time to time. I will see them both on Monday as our district meets as a whole that first day back. That has my stomach in knots. On one hand, I want to see him as much as possible, on the other hand, I want to be available on a more limited basis to give him some food for thought. Not sure I am strong enough for that. He needs to be alone to miss me and miss our family. We have the kids every three days right now and have a family night each week and a date night in addition to our counseling appt. So I really see him quite frequently. We are both good people who have drifted apart over the years and need some serious help to save our marriage. Please share some thoughts for getting through this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 4:50pm

How are things going???


I'm not a big fan of 'separation"... in some cases it can work, but when you already suspect infidelity, it just adds fuel to the fire, in my opinion.


I hope you are getting along OK.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 7:25am

wow, I could have written your whole story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 3:18pm

wow that is very heavy and somewhat similar situation here. 3 days ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce after 21 years of marriage. Im still in the shocked phase and trying to figure out whywhywhy.

Erin