Day three

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Day three
8
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 3:03pm

Please how? How do you get divorced? It's day two for me of splitting with my husband and because of all those marriage values and things it feels downright impossible. I miss him so much. And yet I know I have to do it, it was a relationship in denial - kind of plastic - I just felt like I've been a doll for four years and not a woman, and that he's a pervert sho despises me. I do want to be free in the end, but those marriage vows are like HEAVY and this splitting up is more intense than any break up ever before and I'm always quite bad - i really grieve. Even though I've got this idea a lot of my depression will go away from his sex objectification habits and porn and stuff, good I'll be free of all that stuff. Besides I don't want to share my money with him, I want to spend it on shopping sprees and things, I mean we had this plan to tour the country and I don't want to pay for that now, I don't want to have bush showers, it was just to try to have a vision. Because we had no vision together but i can feel myself spiralling into it again, the denial and I do love him, but he's not the right person. Besides he's left it's mutual. I'm not really religious but i find divorce completely immoral, I wouldn't seriously do it unless he was and I wouldn't mind something different for myself, too, I was committed, but I wouldn't mind breaking up with him you know. And its a relationship gone very wrong all of the sudden. Please help me I can't sleep I want to be held, I've rung twenty friends I'm trying not to get lonely I'm chain smoking I just feel like I can't achieve it like a little girl in big shock. If he came home I'd just be with him again and within a few days we'll be at eachothers throats again. I wish he'd done sort of a seperation or something like been a bit more of a good leader but he's not. He's dumb or should I say stoned, whatever. Somethings died, I'm so so so so hurting and emotional. Ow. Besides there were all these chicks with dicks and men with tits and god knows in his internet history, and of course Jenifer unlovely and them, I was bawling looking at it - everytime I go to the gym or something that's all he thought about! so I"m very out of there. So why am I experiencing intense heartbreak

Edited 1/7/2007 3:25 pm ET by purrinrightalong




Edited 1/7/2007 3:27 pm ET by purrinrightalong
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 6:09pm
It sounds to me more like you are mourning your self-esteem than this guy you are married to. Take care of yourself and learn to value yourself----it doesn't sound like this guy is worth your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 12:38am
My self esteem is really at an all time low, he was so on the sex object trip. I do miss him a lot. I'm having a really intense time, kind of like I can't break up with him. Then there were the transexual things whatever they were that he was on a trip about on the porn thing. It really confused me I was thinking are you gay and stuff. I've just never had to deal with anything like it before. I've never really thought about what was in porn before. He was so much on that trip you know he was neglecting me! that's a bit full on. I felt like he was distant from me when I wanted to feel close. No wonder I felt like he wasn't there for me. Now I find out it's a just life long habit of looking at porn, I have mixed feelings about it. Different friends tell you different opinions, the voice of reason is not to worry and break up over porn, and then from a female point of view though, men who sex objectify women to that degree do really mess with your self esteem, always on about things of the flesh and whatnot. Anyway I'm going to try to keep going, I dream of going and making him happy and winning him back with dominatrix outfits or whatever he's into, but it's just humiliating, I'm gonna leave it up to him to do some big deal romantic thing for me - which I don't think he's capable of so in time I might get used to suddenly being alone in the apartment and find my autonomy again. I just don't think it's that great all this running around and breaking up people do these days, It's kind of against my eithics, and I don't need the instability - but It could be a good thing to get him out of my head - I feel like a doll - and I'm sick of trying to communicate my values to hhim, like deep down I'm a feminist - I'm a leader and I need another leader, not a child who doesn't know how to make love and please me in bed very well because his notion of women is just things - because his trip is pornography and not real grown up relationships. - but I mean it does something to you I think, being a divorcee, to your reputation, and I didn't want the hassle of stating all over again and stuff, and being lonely and single maybe having trouble finding someone - I was happily marrried for a while - it's just gone wrong, and it's hard to know what to think. I'd never thought about the porn before, I knew he did it but I never looked at it, and I didn't realise it was like a full on thing for a couple of hours nearly everyday everytime I wasn't home - it does affect my self esteem a lot, and that feels like a pretty serious matter - like how can I ever get it back again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:57am

I have something that might help you... it's my favorite book that I read when I was feeling very much like you're feeling right now... In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want --Iyanla Vanzant.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 8:30am

yeah I've noticed that book on the shelves, I never really felt like I was in that situation before but I'll grab it if I come across it. I actually had to negotiate a trial seperation - I'm just finding it all too much to deal with. I just want some time to deal with my self esteem issues, and maybe talk to him, that we all have boundaries and that self esteem issues aside we all get jealous sometimes it's probably evolution without him being really angry with me about it. I went to self esteem for women, you do this course there, they said I had to deal with jealousy, conflict and I know I have to deal my work life - so there's a lot on my plate. Let alone if I love him and if I can be like my friend Alex who says 'he's just looking' to herself about porn or girls in the street or if I wouldn't mind someone a bit calmer on the whole porn thing. It's odd how she can say it's just a picture and it makes me throw up and masturbate at the same time it's just so confusing. I guess I've never even seen it before he's probably been looking at it since he was like 9 so he's got no idea how I can be so shocked! I watched a movie or two once a long time ago and even then my feminist intincts were fired up but I had more of a sense of humour then, I guess I felt a bit prettier when I was 18 - I mean it was way back then. I've got to work out what I want whether I love him and at least feel confident enough to let him go when the time comes.

I'm very unhappy with my face at the moment. And it really really is crying out for my love. For years I coped with an aqualine nose (with a bump) and I got better than during puberty and discovered beauty therapy and stuff but there's always been this thing. And then because I have a nice figure guys like compliment my arse and you start to wonder what about my face. I think only one gy ever said 'I love your face or a couple of times people said nice things but not very often. It really hurts. And I tried not to be insecure and have rhinosurgery and these days I think whats the point of that at my age, especially with crows feet and furrows and pigmentation anyway. the pigmentation which came from some meds the shrinks gave me after a few months of taking them kind of destroyed me, because I was working well with what I had and it was just a bummer, and lazer and creams help a little but it's still there. I'm sick of looking shadowy in photo's and even though I've deep down tried to accept my nose as part of my aristocratic heritage or something and I did, I'm sure I did -accept it, and love my face for a while but I feel like it's all been dragged up and ruined, that this marriage isn't bringing out the best in me - God I wish it would. So there's feelings how I never really had this concept of myself as really pretty 'cause my parents didn't bring me up girly girl and then there's also the fact that my face isn't perfectly symetrical or whatever is aesthetic, it's nice but it's part of this insecure jealous thing - and it's a really sad thing. And if he loves my face?

Anyway at least I have some time now, and I don't have to deal with devastation and divorce right away. So maybe I can work it out. I mean basically it's that I had impotence from these drugs the doctors have kept me on for a few years and of course lack of sex drive made feel dried out and we grew apart. bloomin Doctors didn't take any action or it seriously - they kind of just told me to accept it, and I guess with that I at least am a sexy girl. anyway recently i got this aphrodisiac off the internet and I think it really is helping. It's ironic that when I'm finally in a position to repair our sex life he's gone, like something conspired against my marriage and what would you expect to happen if you're not impotent. I'm telling you now psychiatrists just act stupid, why couldn't they have used modern medicine to do something - you have to depend on google to diagnose your own cancer in this city I hate doctors sometimes. I mean maybe if I had sex with him for goodness sakes I'd feel close to him, which is what I'm freaked out about. It's missing. He wouldn't acknowlege it or help I mean we still could have tried to make some kind of love even if it wasn't perfect you know with me in that medical condition. but no it didn't work. I have to take the lead all the time and you know initiate it and of course I have to be really good at it. which I am normally. And we hit it off a few times recently but we need a good few months of sex if you ask me, it's simple, but he's not kind of even acknowleging that it's a problem even though it must be. Well at the very least I'm in a better situation to offer him (or someone else) that now that I got the fematril - that works by the way - it makes me feel a lot more normal but not as complete as before these meds. It was funny when he was fighting with me the other day he criticised me for taking them like he doesn't particularly even happy for me that I can have sex now again, even though he appreciated it a lot when we had better sex than when I'm impotent the other night - that was strange. it only makes me feel normally horny it's not like I"m a nympho or anything. god the double standars eh. God that was a heavy issue for me, I'm happy I at last found something that helps.
For him personally the issue is more the conflict for me all the other issues are causing the conflict!




Edited 1/8/2007 8:59 am ET by purrinrightalong
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 8:49am

Ahhh.... I almost forgot!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:17am
Alot of women have that! alot. They even have a new gadget out that you keep in your purse for women for facial hair removal. you know the kind that grows out twice a day. lol I think it was being sold on tv or could be in the stores. had some fancy feminine name which was probably short for razor. guess I will get one .........looks more discreet in your purse than a razor. I was told that shaving hair off DOES NOT make it grow out faster and get thicker than plucking. it may take longer to come back in with plucking but heck that hurts lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:23am
Well, plucking does help it to stay gone for a little longer than shaving it.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:09am
its hard to deal with but I think alot more women have it than admit. I can see in my imagination, women sneaking into the bathroom at the restaurant and going into the stall and whacking it off where no one can see them LOL I mean you cant stand at the public sink and do it lol
my mom has it too........she is 84. I feel so sorry for her when we get half way to town and she discovers she forgot to take care of it that day.
I have that problem and its a daily or twice daily thing but the hair on my legs and armpits quit growing almost. well everywhere else. strange.
I think society is starting to accept our facial hair that is why they came out with the new fangled gadget with a discreet look and a feminine name for our purses lol
It use to be taboo I think to admit you had it. LOL
And then there were the women who did nothing about it. there use to be a cook at a restaurant I waitressed at. She did nothing and it grew long and looked so bad.