Dazed and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Dazed and Confused
9
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 6:52pm

Hello. I post on ivillage every now and then.. usually when I have a problem and have no one to talk to. I am 21... me and my husband have been seperated for two months now because he weren't getting along very well during our marriage so he has completely given up on me... I haven't talked to him since the day he told me it was over. I don't understand whats going on inside me.. I work in the town that he and I used to live in and everywhere I go and everything I do I think about him and remember the good times that he and I had at those places. (For instance, I see the movie theater and think about all the great times when we used to go out and have fun and then I go to Wendy's and think about him and wish he was there...) It's driving me crazy. I dont have any friends.. he was everything to me and now he's gone. I wanted to write him an email and ask if he there was something we could possible do to work through this but I am almost positive that he will say no and that will just hurt as much as anything. He has already paid to have the paper work filed but I guess we have to wait 6 months before we can get a divorce. I just wish there was something I could do... but I know he isn't interested. It's really killing me inside and no one knows or cares.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:46pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. You can always come here to talk, question, vent, or whatever. My x decided he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I want to turn back time, but I know I can't. I just have to deal with it and know that the problem is with *him* and not me. I won't lie and tell you it's easy or that my heart always knows this, but my head knows it and deep down, I know.

Try to explore you. I'm having fun getting to know me again. What do I really like? I went to the bookstore the other day and just perused. I had fun and didn't worry about what I looked at or even bought. I bought a little book of quizes to get to know yourself. They're fun. If you think hard enough, I'm sure there are things you enjoy that you've put aside. Go back to them!

Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 10:33pm

Thanks for replying. :) I appreciate it. Tonight I decided not to write him or even bother - that's just taking a step backwards I guess. He will have to decide on his own if he wants to be with me... so I'm not even going to bother its just hard. I miss him every day and I wish I would have done things so differently when we were together but I can't change it and if he doesn't want to be with me.. well that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. He hasn't talked to me in two months (and let me remind that there was no abuse or cheating in our relationship) he just decided that we argued to much and he was tired of it so he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's sad. I would have done anything to be with him but he decided that I wasn't able to change... its very complicated but I guess its just fate.

I really enjoy writing, short stories and things like that. I stopped doing that after I got married but now I am starting up again (my laptops broken so Ive been put on hold :(( ) but that is my first love. It keeps me busy.. sometimes though I feel like I block the real world out so I don't have to hurt and then I realize whats going on around me and its like reliving it all over again. I just don't know what to do anymore but I guess live the best way I can. Anyway, thanks again for replying. I'm sorry that you and your ex aren't together anymore but hopefully God's will will be done, thats what I pray for at least. Thank you again! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 7:25am

Welcome to the boards!


First off, hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this.


I do remember being in your position and thinking all of the same things you did. My only difference is we have kids, so I am forever tied to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:26am
I used to write a lot too! I stopped when it became 'his thing' and he was more willing to share his writing than I was mine. So I just quit. I don't understand why. (What's wrong with having 2 writers in the family?) But I did. I'm trying to get back into it too. There are some writing boards here. Have you checked them out? I haven't yet, just enough to have seen them. I've also got a blog. Not sure about that. But maybe if it makes me write at least a couple of sentences to start it up again. I'd love to hear what you're doing to further that. I also used to do videos. I did my undergrad in that. But stopped because that became his thing too. I just helped him -- became a behind the scenes goofer type. Feel free to drop me a line some time!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 4:31pm

Thanks butterfly71676 for your kind words, you really do know what I'm going through. I guess yesterday was just a bad day for me because I feel a little better today but I do miss him.... but he doesn't miss me so I'm not going to put myself in that situation just to get hurt again. Like I said if he loves me and wants to be with me then he'll come around... I don't see it happening but oh well, his loss I guess. :) I feel the same way about hearing a song, seeing places that we used to hang out - seeing his friends that wont even talk to me now and stuff like that. I left our apartment as well because I couldn't afford it on my own and I only took our television and the play station, but I don't really think of him when I look at those things. Maybe one day he and I will work things out.. I just feel so hopeless because he was the only person I had and now I don't have any friends or anyone to hang out with.. I guess it'll get better, some days are just harder then others. Thank you again. :) Ps. you have beautiful children!

Rudith2005 - I really love writing, but mostly I write fanfictions... (storys about tv shows, and movies) but I've written some poetry as well. What kind of writing are you into? I stopped writing because my soon to be ex husband thought it was stupid when I let him read some of it.. I guess it embarassed me so I just write for myself. Also while I was in college I was in 'Communications' and got to do a little bit of video work but I never really understood how to put effects and things into videos. I always wanted to write commercials and scripts for movies... maybe one day. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 5:32pm

Thank you! My kids are my world. I will say the one thing I got out of my marriage that reminds me of what I did right... is my 2 beautiful children. The third, well although a surprise, he was a good surprise. They are all the love of my life. No more for me though ;)


I know what you mean about family and friends. I will say that in the beginning my XH left all of his friends behind because "I got to them first" he also was ashamed of what he had done to me and his kids so he left his family behind too. I talked to them all until fairly recently when he had a change of heart. His father even bought me a car last year at this time. Well now is a different story. He is back in their lives and even though his father and sister told me they would never welcome that "girl" into their lives and they were so mad at him that he was written out of the will ( his father has money ) Now they are all with him and I hear nothing except how they have get togethers with my kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 8:48pm

I guess me and my ex just werent meant to be, or mature enough to be married. We argued so much because I felt like he was using me and he just stopped being loving and being affectionate towards me (I know it gets old after a while but I don't think it should completely stop after you get married.) He told me that he didn't think he had to talk to me at night time or do anything with me after work because we lived together and saw each other everyday. We might have seen each other but we sure didn't spend anytime together and he only wanted to be with me when it was good with him. I would get upset when he would go off ALL DAY on his days off with his friends so he stopped doing that and blamed me for not getting to see his friends, then when he would stay home on his days off he would ignore me all day. He made me feel so unloved.. I guess I was immature but at least I had my reasons for arguing with him. Who wants to spend 10 months together not talking, going places, having fun? He wouldn't even tell me he loved me when we went to bed at night. He would stay up all night with his friends but whenever I was home he just had to go to bed. Its stupid.. but he really did change after we got married. We never once fought when we were together... but after we got married I guess it all just got to much for me. He really did choose his friends over me. All we used to do was kiss and have fun and be loving towards one another and then suddenly he tells me he doesn't like doing those things anymore. I feel like our whole relationship was fake and he was only pretending to do those things and be nice to me... Ugh.

Oh well. Thanks so much for listening. I don't know what I would do if I had kids involved with this or if I had to see him all the time. His family is weird too... one of the big reasons we got married is because his dad was threatening him.. so I figured we'd just get married since we were planning on it anyway and we were 'so in love'... his mom is in a really screwed up relationship with his dad... I thought she'd understand but of course not.. haven't heard from her and its better that way because she told my husband that if we couldn't get along early in the marriage we never would be able to. They all deserve each other I guess. I'm just rambling. In the long run I'm sure this is for the best.. I just feel so alone because he was my bestfriend and now hes not, just like all the other friends I once had. Oh well, who needs em. Thanks for listening. :) *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:06pm

Im sorry Honey. Its hard to move on. But he has made it clear at this point, i guess, by filing. I know you dont WANT to hear this, but you have a whole life ahead of you. The world is a wonderful exciting place & you will be FINE!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:37pm

Thank you so much for replying. I understand that its over.. guess I'm just being stubborn but I haven't contacted him, just curious as to when this will all be over. I really think moving away from this town would help but I couldn't leave my family, they are all I have. I guess I just don't want to be alone. Another reason I have lost every friend I've ever had is because I am to needy? Who knows. I think its best if I just stay to myself and don't screw anyone else up. Other then that I really want to start working out and getting myself in better shape.. I just have no energy or time. I work so much... when am I ever going to have the chance to just do my thing? Maybe one day. I'd love to travel and go places and shop, its my weakness... so maybe soon I can spend sometime on me. :) Also my laptop should be coming back from the shop soon so I can start on my writing again! It's a very good threapy for me.... in a way, I guess sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in my writings that I forget about the real world. Maybe one day I'll figure it all out. Thank you all for being so nice and supportive and helpful!

~ Nikki