DD is having SUCH a rough time ...
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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:55am |
She just turned 5. 1st off, she has been really asking me a LOT if i am going to die, & "leave her an orphan". Its so d@mn hard to answer - i just tell her that Mommy & Daddys almost ALWAYS dont die till they are really really old, that we have LOTS of things to do before i die, lets not even talk about it b/c its SO long away, etc. & she usually says "But youre not too old & your Mommy died, SHE wasnt too too old". & of course, the "orphan" idea - i try to reassure her that i am pretty sure nothing will happen to Mommy OR Daddy for a long time, but IF it did, she would never be an orphan b/c she would always have the other parent - & even if she didnt, then Uncle Chris & Patty, & our families, would always take care of her.
So then, the old man, who i was caring for in home care for the past 5-6 months, who she loved, & called "Grampa Phil", he died last week. I just cant bring myself to tell her. I mean, Mike leaving brought up all those feelings of loss of my Mom for her, & now Grampa Phil (not to mention that my Gramma is late 80's, & Mikes parents are both pretty old & frail) .... & NOW, this AM, one of her fish, Princess, died. She was SOBBING. It was so pathetic. & of course, the 1st words out of her mouth were "I need my Dadda". She asked to call him so i did what i did once b4, i said he was at work, but she could leave him a phone message. & i called MY cell & she thought she was leaving it for him. She cried "Daddy, I am sorry to tell you this but Princess, the fish you bought me, died, she was all white & i yelled for Mommy & she came in & said "oh oh" & then i am so sad, please can you come home .... to visit one day? ... i need you" ....
Sh*t. How pathetic is THAT???? My heart is breaking for her. & then we were snuggling on the couch & she was crying & saying "my belly feels so angry & sad" & then she was asking if Paka, out almost 16 yr old cat would die .... & she was sobbing about that, that she is so old, & lots of ? about Heaven & how do i KNOW its so nice if i wasnt ever there - & will we SEE Paka die? & what about Kibo? He's an older doggy. etc, ect.
Oh man, the kid has herself so worked up over death & loss ... i wish so badly i could take all this pain away from her. It is breaking my freaking heart. & i know none of it would be so bad if she had her Daddy. I HATE HIM for what he is doing to her!!!!!!!!!!
& now i am waiting to hear if they granted supervised visitation ... & if it will be granted in time & then Mike will agree to it ... & how soon i can get her to see him.
This is all just too freaking much. R~
Oh, I Ave refused to go see the cousnelor yesterday. I called to tell them she didnt want to go & she said "Yes, i got the feeling last week - (only her 2nd visit) that she was tuning out & becoming uncomfortable when i talked about things. I think that reality is setting in, we dont want to force her to come, so let it be her choice & we will offer again in a few days"


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Ok, NOW i had my breakdown. I STUPIDLY counted on him agreeing to supervised visitation & we made a calendar that she would see him either Sun or Tues. I didnt PROMISE her, i told her it was probably going to work out, but it MAY not. So ... my atty called & her father refused the visitation!!! Apparently his atty is "away until next week" & he didnt "feel comfortable making visiation arrangments w/o his own atty". yes, i understand that. Myabe another atty in the office wasnt who he wanted to take advice from, but now i have to tell her that there now WONT be a visit very soon. I am heartbroken for her. I called the counselor & she said that i can just tell her basically that its not working out YET, but it will, its just that the judge/atty still havent said ok. & thats pretty much the truth. So i warned her that "Maybe it wont work out as soon as we thought, & i am waiting to hear". She was a bit upset, but when she saw i was teary-eyed (i really TRIED not to be) she said "Why are you so sad Mamma?" & i told her that "I just am afraid you will be dissapointed" & she said "No, its ok Mom! Its ok if i have to wait just a little bit longer .... can i have some ice cream w/ strawberries now?" lol I just love this kid.
So, she has a heads up now, & i will give her the rest of the news later on. B4 her appt. I sure am glad we GOT that appt today.
Thank you guys SO SO SO much, R~
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Just as a "heads up" for down the road.... I would stipulate that after the agreement is in place and visitation is outlined, that if he breaks a date that HE has to tell Avery HIMSELF.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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