DD's issues with me dating???
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| Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:24pm |
I have been separated from my STBX for some time. He has moved out of state and I have full custody of my DD.
There is a guy at my work that I have been close friends with for over 3 years. He is going through a divorce too and has two little boys. We started to just hang out with all of the kids so they can play (they are close to same ages). We would go to the park, the kids would have fun and we kept each other company.
Well lately, we have started developing feelings for one another and want to take it further. The gentleman has been absolutely wonderful with my DD - plays with her, would basically do anything for her, he is a terrific guy. I have truly never been so happy and we get along perfectly - have so much in common.
My DD has started to notice the relationship change a little and has now told me (mind you she is only 8) that she does not want me to get a boyfriend and if she saw someone kiss me she would kick him in the weiner!!!! I can't believe this. She proceeded to tell me how she hates my friend and hates when he plays with her (when they are playing, she appears to be having a great time).
I am feeling so torn because I want my daughter to be happy, she doesn't understand all of this. My STBX and I had a terrible relationship - like roommates and we never showed any type of affection towards each other. Me and my friend have not showed any affection in front of her so far - we want to wait longer for that.
Because I have full custody of her and have her almost all of the time unless I hire a babysitter, this situation has been really hard on me. Have any of you had similar problems. I don't know if time will heal this one or if I need to do something else. I don't want her to think she is the boss and controls my life by giving in and telling him we can't take it further - I know I would be miserable without him in my life.
I appreciate any suggestions/insight.
J

I would just tell her that whatever happens in your life... and her life... you plan to take it slowly, and that you will keep her in the loop ;-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
First off, you need to get your daughter to return to a normal place in the family. She seems to be acting like see's one of the heads of household. Children don't get to dictate what mom and dad can/can't do. This will take some time, and you will need to be firm with her and consistent. My ex-wife allowed her eldest daughter to behave in this fashion, and the daughter was emotionally harmed by it.
Second, dating before you are divorced can be a real problem. Its very easy to over-invest in a relationship at this time. If its just a fling, hey , good for you, and its no one's business but your own. However, if you are thinking that this is a serious long term relationship, you are heading down a painful and wrong path.
I wouldn't recommend attempting a serious relationship for at least two years from the date the divorce is granted (in court). Any sooner and its probably a rebound relationship that will simply last way too long.
I agree. Dating really is not your daughter's business BUT it sounds like you've already introduced the kids and are trying to do the "family" thing...not wise when he's not even divorced.
If you are going to take it further, back off on the kids. Take your dating to a private place and don't try to make the kids a "family" so early.
You do need to let your daughter know that the lines of communications are open but you are going to do what you want to do. She's not in charge, you are. If she has feelings about it, you can talk about it but that doesn't mean it will change.
Children WILL rebel when the new people are not introduced slowly and here it sounds like it wasn't. You might want to think about backing off with the kids and pursue the relationship on your own time away from the kids.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."
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Susan
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