Dealing with Feelings
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Dealing with Feelings
| Mon, 03-05-2007 - 12:24pm |
My STBX recently told me, out of the blue, that he wants a divorce. He doesn't want to go to councelling, he doesn't want to try harder to make it work, and he says he can't stand to live with me any longer. Ordinarily, I guess one of us would move out. He's in the air force and I'm a SAHM. We're currently in Hawaii. We don't really have any friends/family near by that would enable us to seperate until our move to Maryland in a couple months, at which time I'll be moving out. We'll be sharing custody of our two-year-old and unborn daughters.
We've been together for 4 years. I know that is a relatively short time, but I am having a lot of trouble with the idea of divorce. He is my family, my best friend, my lover, and all of that is changing. I still have very strong feelings for him, and it isn't as simple for me to suddenly stop showing him affection (ie a quick shoulder rub while he's on his computer, random hugs and kisses) as it is for him. Everytime I see my STBX playing with my DD it breaks my heart to think these are the last times I'll be seeing it, and that I'll never see that interaction between my STBX and our soon-to-be-born daughter. My family is everything to me. Is there anything I can do that will make this time a little easier? I need help making the transition from wife to ex while still sharing space with my STBX. Any suggestions would be very appreciated.
We've been together for 4 years. I know that is a relatively short time, but I am having a lot of trouble with the idea of divorce. He is my family, my best friend, my lover, and all of that is changing. I still have very strong feelings for him, and it isn't as simple for me to suddenly stop showing him affection (ie a quick shoulder rub while he's on his computer, random hugs and kisses) as it is for him. Everytime I see my STBX playing with my DD it breaks my heart to think these are the last times I'll be seeing it, and that I'll never see that interaction between my STBX and our soon-to-be-born daughter. My family is everything to me. Is there anything I can do that will make this time a little easier? I need help making the transition from wife to ex while still sharing space with my STBX. Any suggestions would be very appreciated.

Oh it is agonizing. I am SO sorry. It takes a long time and comes in fits and starts. I still call my stbx honey and dear, etc, although sometimes with an edge in my voice. I got over touching him pretty quick though. Anger takes over pretty soon so that helps kill the love (anger is supposed to be related to love).
I would strongly recommend individual counseling for you asap!!! Get someone to talk to. I also have heard that the military may have lots of support systems for folks in divorce situations; there might be a support group. Churches sponsor something called DivorceCare which takes a Christian perspective (you can find them on web at DivorceCare.org).
I think the military may even give you access to free/low cost legal advice with regard to divorce. One of the ways I took care of myself was to do everything practical I could to protect myself and my children (like seeing a lawyer and collecting all relevant financial information).
I know the grief in seeing your innocent child play with Dad when you know their innocent world is about to be torn asunder. Mine are almost 5 and 6 1/2. They will be devastated although my stbx *refuses* to believe this divorce will traumatize them despite hearing it from a child psychologist and reading it in any number of books.
My stbx and I still share the same house. I am much happier when he is not around because I am so upset that he is doing this. I think he is wrong, that it is a sin and that my children will pay the price emotionally, developmentally and intellectually, not to mention socio/economically for his selfishness. And the lack of integrity goes on as we work through mediation ... it is literally nauseating (Sp?).
So, take steps/take action to protect yourself and you child(ren) -- be strong. Allow the emotions to come and get support in dealing with them. Know it is a rollercoaster ride and that you are right--it is brutal.
I hope things get much better once you are in Maryland and have family support and possibly access to employment. I, too, am a sahm and I know how scarey the financial picture is as well as the loss of time with your children; that's my biggest sorrow--Iwant to have these precious hours with my children; living at a reasonable pace of life, not rushing to fit it all in frantically!
Sigh ...
You are strong; we are strong and we will take care of ourselves and our children!
Welcome!
M